Alejandro

"She's not broken, she's just a baby...",that stupid song is stuck in my head and God help me... I actually like it. Well, another day gone, I made it, and to be honest it wasn't half bad. Maybe I'm done with being stuck in another rut for this week. I know that it hasn't been that long and things aren't fantastic in my life, so I'll give myself the appropriate time to grieve instead of beating myself up for my depression. If you can't handle my mood swings, then you probably don't belong in my life at this point in time. Simple as that. I spent too long thinking that I should be over this crap, but in reality, November wasn't that long ago and I am really learning a new way to live life. When it rains it pours, right? This isn't the first time that I've been bombarded with one horrible thing after the next and I've always made it through those times. Maybe I'll actually get through these... or maybe I won't, but I won't know unless I keep pushing through the shitty days.

My babies will be here Friday morning. I wish that Jack could be here too, but my father made me face the hard reality that I may have to start to let him go. Maybe just for now, or maybe forever. The thought in itself makes fire run through my veins. He started his life in my body, and I love him so deeply to the core of my being that it kills me to think that those bastards can keep him away, possibly until he's 18. I still wake up and can't believe that this is my life. It's hard not to blame myself, because even though people say it's not my fault, honestly I have to own at least some of the blame. I didn't get us away soon enough and my children and I have paid the price. I know that for the most part, Emma and Aiden are well taken care of. Their dad does the best that he can to be a good parent (aside from his "Once a Marine, Always a Marine" mindset), but Jack is not safe with the Powers. They are an evil and destructive family. Brian learned his abusive behavior as a child... and he was raised by the very man that was given custody of my son.

The system is so fucked up. They didn't want to hear anything that I had to say. Hopefully this time around will be different but I have my doubts on that. The first social worker that was involved from the time that Brian had one of his friends or family members attempt to have Jude taken from me when he was 1 day old (if you want to know, just ask)returned my phone call today. It was the first time that I've received a return call that quickly from these people. She stated that she had called and left messages on the home phone and sent a letter... I never got messages OR a letter. My parents could attest to that fact. She refused to believe that she never called or sent said letter. WHAT... THE... HELL??? Are they really that ridiculous? Must it always be my word against theirs? Is it really that hard for a so-called "professional" to admit that THEY didn't do something they were supposed to do? It's deja vu and I refuse to let this shit happen again. I won't allow another child to slip through my grasp because of an agency's negligence! They've officially pissed me off and that's generally not a good idea. I'm a sweetheart unless it comes to my kids or myself being put in harm's way.

So I'm on a mission. I have no idea how I'm supposed to bring this "system" down, but if it's the last thing I do, it WILL happen. These laws are pathetic, and removing children from a mother or father that has been abused doesn't make the situation any safer. Most of the cases that stem from abuse don't involve the mother as being the abuser. It's usually cases like mine where I was abused and the children witnessed little of what happened. In no way am I saying that child services serves no purpose and I'm also not saying that it's not in a child's best interest to remove them from any home where abuse is taking place... but taking them from an abused mother and then keeping them in a system that just shuffles them around for months or even years, only does more damage to that mother and child(ren). I could go on and on and give a million examples and reasons for my thought process on this, but it's late and I'll have to pick this back up tomorrow. But before I hop off of my soapbox, I will say that there is a purpose to what I have been through. The laws have to change, they have to actually start to protect rather than destroy. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I have little time in this life, and this is high priority for me.