A sigh of relief

I shouldn't still be awake at 1am. I can't keep staying up late every night, but sometimes it helps to thoroughly exhaust myself to avoid nightmares. Tonight, I'm just excited. Emma, Aiden, and Micah should be here around 10 tomorrow morning. I haven't seen them since November, just 2 days after Brian was arrested. It's amazing to me how quickly that time has gone by. I managed to make it through a pregnancy since then and Jude is now 11 weeks old. It's funny how slow my day to day life seems and then when I really look at it, I realize that life is flying by in the blink of an eye. I can only imagine how big the kids will seem to me when I see them, though in my mind, they're still my babies.

It seems like only yesterday that Sarah was born. I've lived a lot and I've made a lot of mistakes, but my children are my biggest accomplishments. No, it's not hard to have a ton of kids... the act of creating them is the easiest thing a person can do, but it IS hard to have children that are so well behaved and intelligent. In today's society, I often frown on the behavior of most children. It truly is the reflection of the parents and I'm thankful to see how polite and generous my babies are. They're kids, they fight, have tempers... the usual kid stuff, but they're amazing and I've always been complimented on them. They really are the biggest blessings.

I was thankful today that I didn't have to see Brian as Jude and I showed up for the paternity test. My stomach was in knots all morning thinking that he might actually be responsible and show up. I couldn't imagine how terrifying it would be to have to see his smug, asshole face. I detest him more than anything. But he wasn't there and today was a good day. Tomorrow, well later today that is, will be a good day too! I know that chaos is just around the corner, but it's a welcomed chaos! I can't wait to feel those tiny arms wrap around my neck and feel the sweet kisses on my cheeks. I plan to spend the next 3 weeks breathing my babies in and cherishing every moment. I wish that I could be a full time mom to all of them again, but right now I will take what I can get and be grateful.