Fight or flight

I didn't sleep well again last night. Apart from feeling like complete crap, I had one of those dreams that sticks with you when you wake up and throughout the day. It wasn't a nightmare... then again, anything having to do with Brian could be considered just that. I don't remember much about it, but whatever I was feeling during that dream, is still with me now. I know that he tried to come back and that I came dangerously close to letting him. I remember the feeling of emptiness and loneliness well. It was the feeling that because of him, I felt often during our relationship. So many times, I had to learn to let go (which until a few months ago, I hadn't perfected the art of that), and then he would come running back when his new fling didn't work out. I hate the fact that he can still get to me in my subconscious. I'm never truly rid of him, no matter how hard I try.

There's so many things that I still don't understand and that I never will. I'll never get the answers that I need to get past this because time and time again, he would just tell me that he didn't have the answers, that he didn't know why he lied or cheated. How can you not know the answers? When I do something horrible, I know why I did it, and I can give the answers even if they aren't pleasant. I think it was just another way that he could control me.

Cheating is horrible. I did it to Micah when I met Brain. We were separated, but that didn't mean that it wasn't considered cheating. I knew that I no longer loved him and that I wanted out. I never tried to go back after that because if it got to the point of cheating, then I knew I was done. Brian, on the other hand, cheated with at least 9 women that I know of... THAT I KNOW OF. After everyone, he would always want to be with me again, even if it were just for a short while. Looking back, I don't know why I allowed that behavior to continue. All it did was tell him that he could hurt me as much as he wanted and I would always put up with it and still be there. I enabled him to be a complete piece of shit. I hope that someday, he falls madly in love with someone and the same things happen to him. I hope he'll know what it feels like to not be able to trust anyone, to not have a normal relationship, even friendships with anyone because when you're afraid of people and afraid to trust, you shut everyone out. I hope that his heart gets broken beyond recognition. And I hope that he gets to feel as worthless and empty as I feel everyday because of him. There was no point to him stringing me along like that for years other than to control me. He knew my weakness was the love that I had for him and he ran with it.

I think the hardest part of life right now is where I am. I'm stuck in a state that I hate. I never wanted to move here as a teenager and I sure as hell never wanted to move back after living on my own for so many years. I'm stuck with my parents, which is detrimental to my healing. I have to deal with mental abuse everyday that I have to live here because of my mother. I'll never heal, I'll never get on my feet again until I can get away. Thanks to Brian's bullshit with Jude, I don't know when that will be now. I hate not having my own home with my own things. I don't have much, but what I do have is sitting in storage collecting dust.

I realized yesterday that all I want is love. I also realized that I am in no shape for a relationship. I can't devote myself to anyone until I find who I am again. It's going to take a long time. If I can't trust, then I can't make someone happy. I'm amazed that I was able to trust Travis right away... until that trust was broken and now it's impossible. I can't allow myself to continue to get hurt, but I can't let him go either. I should have never let him in the way I did. It's not his fault that we failed, I'm not good for anyone like this. I pushed him away, I wallowed in self pity... I'm sure I made him quite miserable. The shitty part is that I'm still very much in love, despite my insecurities, but it's more than likely too late. My head is a jumbled mess. Meanwhile, Brian has a girlfriend. How ironic. The abuser has someone, but the abused can't make sense of anything and is afraid of her own shadow. Funny how God seems to let everything get so screwed up. I'm the one suffering, but he's the one that caused all the suffering and should be paying dearly for the kids and wife that he damaged. Go figure.

Today isn't going to be a good one. It's a bad sign when I wake up like this. Often an indicator of how crappy my mood will be. On top of this, we're having visitors this weekend that I'm not fond of. My mother will more than likely be extra horrible with my cousin around, but that's always the way it goes. I can't wait to see what shit storm is going to develop this weekend. God help me.