It's July 7, 2010. Four years ago today, I began a relationship that seemed more promising than anything I'd ever experienced in my 25 years of life. He was beautiful, charming, and he loved me like no other... I'd never been more wrong about something in my life. Today is harder than I thought it would be. Honestly, I hadn't even thought about the date until I looked at the calendar and it hit me like a ton of bricks. You can't change the past, but the pain is overwhelming today. I was so in love, I would've given my life to save him, but it didn't matter. In the end I learned that love isn't enough and it wasn't mutual.
It was so amazing in the beginning, enough that I left my life in Okinawa, and moved my children to California just to make a new life with him. He was persuasive and I wanted my days and nights to be filled with love. Today, everything reminds me of him. I've done such a good job of shutting him out of my mind, and my life. I've perfected my way of protecting myself from the pain, but today, I grieve. I think it's normal, but then again, nothing about my life with him was normal.
I live with so much regret that some days it's unbearable. I've lost more than anyone should, but I must say that I've finally gained perspective and I know what I want my life to be like. The hard part is remaining the strong woman I've become and learning to rely on myself more than anyone else. That's something that I never thought I could do. I miss the good times, and I guess maybe today, I miss him just a little... but the man in my memory isn't the real deal. Our minds tend to block out the bad so that our memories seem less painful. I can admit that today, I miss who he was, who I was 4 years ago, but I can also admit that I never want him back in my life. Those days are gone, good and bad, and I have so much to work towards now. I'm such a different person and I wonder if I'll ever get back to feeling like myself. I want that confidence that I once held but I don't know that I can manage to find it again. I've been mentally beaten down for so long that I have no clue how to pick myself up again. I wish that I could understand why this happened to me, but there are things that I'll never know, so many questions that will remain left unanswered.
It's been a rough day with Jude. I think he may not be feeling well, and so he's been fussy all day. God forbid I put him down for 5 minutes. Sometimes I do wish that I didn't have to be a single mom. It's harder than I thought that it would be and today, I just want a break. Emma and Aiden went out with my mom and Sarah for a bit and I missed them for the hour that they were gone. It's going to be so hard when they leave. Right now, I'm on the back deck with Jude and the kids are in the pool splashing and laughing. I'm really going to miss that laughter.
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