I want to close my eyes and have everything back. I want to go back in time and make everything right. I want to undo bad decisions so that I never have to be afraid to make decisions in the future. Most of all, I want to look in the mirror and love what I see. I used to feel beautiful inside and out, not anymore. I'm sure there are people that read this and think that I should just shut up, quit whining, and get on with life. To those people, I offer a simple fuck you. Nobody makes you read what I write. This is for me, and me only. I don't care what anyone thinks of me, I only care about getting my thoughts out so that I don't have to carry them around all the time. My head gets really congested some days. I want to sleep peacefully and wake up to a life where this bullshit never happened. I know that's not possible.
I'm terrified to make any decisions. They always end up hurting in the end. I miss my children, I miss my happiness with them. I don't want anyone to save me, most days I just want everyone to leave me alone. This is my life now, Brian. Are you happy to know that you have destroyed so much? Are you happy that I gave you every ounce of love that I could conjure up, only to hurt me time and time again? Did those other women make you feel good about yourself? Does your new girlfriend believe your lies like I did? Are you going to try to kill her too? You killed me long ago, just not in the way you intended to. I've been dead for years. I only hope that my ghost haunts your dreams just as much as you haunt mine.
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