Somebody pinch me!

It seems so surreal that as I'm typing this entry, I have 3 children sound asleep downstairs. I thought that this day would never come and here it is. It's such a mixed bag of emotions. I'm thrilled to be with them, and already sad that in just 3 weeks, I have to let them go again. I've missed so much and I don't want to miss a second more. They have grown into even sillier monsters and I love them so much! It pisses me off that when I should be on cloud nine, someone is here to make sure that I can't enjoy every bit of it. I'll never understand why there are people in this world that work so hard to make sure they make as many people as miserable as possible. How sad of a life that must be.

It was good to see Micah. My ex-husband and I haven't always gotten along so well. It was great to hang out last night and today and I was surprised when I actually wanted him to stay another day. Hopefully, we're working on a friendship because it's long overdue and our children deserve the very best out of a shitty situation. It seems as though he's trying really hard to change his past behavior and it was nice to get a hug before he left. I hope that it continues to get better. He's a good man that did the best thing for our kids. I didn't see it at the time because Brian was causing so much chaos and making me crazy, but Micah did the right thing and someday the kids will understand how lucky they were to get away from Brian when they did. I wish I could say the same for Jack and I, but I can't change that now. I'm looking forward to the future and I think that just maybe things will work out.

It's strange to me because the last time Emma, Aiden, and I were together here was in June 2008. Jack was only 5 months old when we decided to make the trip to visit. Brian was once again in the psych ward at Bethesda (during which he managed to screw another psych patient name Margaret) so the little ones and I got away from the mess for a week. That seems so long ago now. It hurts a little when I think about it because we lived together then. When I left, I took them with me, but this time it will be them leaving and I have to stay. I pray that things go quickly in Jude's case because I really need to leave this house. It's not healthy for me here and I can't see too much progress happening in these conditions. The mental bullshit is overwhelming and I've had enough of that in my life. I'm doing okay right now and I will try my best to keep pushing forward. I have a strong support system and that's something that no one can take away.

I would love to pour my heart out right now and say everything that I'm thinking, but God forbid I say something that might offend any "family" member that may read this. God knows they could care less about anything I go through or have to say, their only real concern is making me look bad or talking shit behind my back. If that's the case... you can fuck off. I've made it this long without you in my life, I won't start now. My close friends know what I feel and they're the ones that matter.

So now, I'm off to bed... on a Saturday night... at 10:30. That's fine with me. I'm almost 30 and though my life is FAR from what I thought it would be at this age, I have ALMOST everything that I want right now. The only missing piece is Jack and someday, come hell or high water, we will be together again. Goodnight, little angel.