Mojave

It's cool out tonight. I spent some time outside and felt the cool breeze brush against my face. It's one of those nights that isn't complete without a nice warm hoodie. As I sat on the back deck, I pulled my hood over my head and closed my eyes. It felt like I was back in the desert when I breathed the cool air into my lungs. Everything about it, the briskness, the smell of the air reminded me of sitting on my front porch at night in 29 Palms. I used to put the kids to bed and sit out there in the dark with nothing to light the front yard but the stars above. I've never seen the stars look clearer than those nights. There was no smog, no humidity, just cool air.

I miss those days. I try not to let myself think about them too often. That's when we were happy, and everything was new and beautiful. That's before I found out what a monster Brian could be. I know that it began there, but it was behind my back and I was none the wiser because he was still so charming then. My days were filled with love and excitement and my nights were full of passion. I felt on top of the world then and believed that life would stay that wonderful.

He was a husband there, a father. Emma and Aiden adored him, and he felt the same about them. I think about our house, and how quaint it was. It wasn't huge, but it was the perfect size for our little family. Everyday I would awaken to my little ones who were 1 and 2 years old, and kiss the man that I loved as he left for work. I was the picture perfect wife that had the palace clean and dinner on the table. Every night, I would watch Brian and the kids roll around on the floor and play tickle monster. We would take turns giving them baths and reading stories, then as the kids went to bed, we would spend time together just laughing and loving. Those were great days.

I'll never forget those days. To most, 29 Palms is the butthole of humanity. It was nothing but a waste of earth, a hole that people dreaded having to live in. It was hot in the summer, cold in the winter, and there was never anything to do that didn't involve driving at least 40 minutes to the closest Wal-Mart. For me, that was the happiest place that I've ever lived. I don't recall that I ever saw life as being more perfect. Maybe that's why I don't choose to think about it all that often. I got to be exactly what I've wanted to be my entire life. I was a happy wife and mother in a simple home with simple problems. Even when Brian was in trouble, I still managed to get by and take care of things knowing that it would get better.

It was my idea to move to Quantico. I wanted him to get orders there because I thought it was a beautiful place. Though I was happy in California, I was ready to remove my little family from the drama that was caused by Brian's ex-wife. Little did I know that he never quite made her an "ex" and I was being screwed around on quite frequently in the beginning. I thought that moving so far away would be good for us. I was so wrong. It's not where we live that will make us happy or miserable, it's about learning to like and live with your surroundings. I know that had my marriage been happy and stayed that way, I would have been happy no matter where we went. It was the idea of having my best friend with me where ever we had to go, that made the many moves tolerable. It was knowing that no matter what our house looked like or what car I would be driving that my children and my husband would always be there. I am disgusted with how naive I was. I wasn't a child, I was in my mid-twenties for Christ sake, how could I have been so blind to the shit that he was doing even in those early days?! Did it really need to come to this for me to realize that it was never real?

Today, I sat in a court room where I could lose another child. My baby, 10 weeks old, innocent and unaware of his father and the actions that almost ended his tiny life, could be taken away from me. I have lost Emma, Aiden, and Jack because of HIS abuse. I now have to go through the system to make sure that my son stays in my custody. It wasn't supposed to happen this time. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Jude and I belong together, without him. I can never describe the pain of losing a child. When you know that it's because of the actions of someone that you loved so much, the guilt is overwhelming. Now here we are again. Maybe it won't be the same this time, maybe I should have hope, but how can I when all I've known is tragedy. This is our country. These laws have to change. The protect no one but the abuser. He has rights to establish paternity and see the child that he wanted dead... Jude and I (along with Emma, Aiden, and Jack) have no rights. I won't stand for this bullshit any longer. I will NOT roll over and let anyone tell me that I'm not a good mother.