Hopes and dreams

Tonight, I was listening to my son as he was talking to his dad on the phone. I heard him say that he hopes it will snow for Christmas. I remember as a child living in Danville, VA, hoping for that very same thing. I would go outside at night every Christmas Eve, in the bitter cold, and look to the sky to make my wish. With my eyes shut tight, and the cold air filling my lungs, I truly believed that if I wished hard enough and really wanted it, I would wake up on Christmas morning to 10 feet of freshly fallen snow on the ground. It never happened.

When I was a kid, life was full of wishes. Some of them did come true, but most never did. Children put everything they have into their hopes. I always thought that if I was good, I would get that doll or that bike. I would hope and wish so hard that I really believed that I could make anything happen. I still find myself doing that to this day.

I miss being a child. I'm sure most of us do. I had the best childhood imaginable. I got most of what I wanted, never had to clean my room or do chores, and I was allowed to explore my creative side through theater, piano lessons, and dance classes. I lived in a nice, big house, and I had parents that were still together and I can only recall one fight being heard between them. I am ashamed to think of the opportunities that were laid out before me, and to see the life that I live now and what I've become.

My mother and I had the fight of all fights a couple days ago. I had had enough of the way she speaks to me and doing it in front of my children was the last straw. She kept saying "you weren't raised to be like this!"... and she was right. They gave me everything they could and it was much more than a lot of the kids that I went to school with. Like any parents, they would have given me the world if they could have. I didn't appreciate anything as a child, or a teenager, and even into my early adulthood. I just took and took, without really thanking or showing gratitude. When I lost everything, I began to appreciate everything that I did still have. Maybe it was too late. Maybe they can't see that I'm not that person anymore, that I AM appreciative. But at the same time, I'm an adult and I need to live my life. I'm not trying to go out and party, or waste money on clothes and stupid material things. I'm trying to make a life, a real life, for my children and myself. I went from having everything, to having close to nothing.

Everyday when I wake up, I make wishes like a child and I cling to hopes that I know are unrealistic. I still say my prayers everyday, even though I feel that my faith in God has slipped away. It's just by chance that He might actually hear me for once and I can't give up on what I'm asking for. I used to want a life full of so much, now I just beg for the simple life. My dreams have changed so much since childhood. I no longer want the big house, the nice cars, to be a doctor, singer, or ballerina. All I ask God for is love. Love from my parents, my children, and from the one person that I can see forever with. I don't need the big house, the nice car... those things don't matter. When I'm on my deathbed, I doubt that I'd care at all about the possessions that I'm about to leave behind. I know that I'll want the warmth of my loved ones around me. That's what matters, that's what life should be about. I may seem like such a complicated person when you really get to know me, but the thing that doesn't seem to come across is that I'm really one of the most uncomplicated people. I seek happiness and love. That's all.

So maybe tonight as I pray, God will hear my prayers and decide that it's time for an answer. Maybe He'll even say yes for once. It's been a long time coming and I'm trying so hard everyday to be a better person. I try to make myself happy and keep myself uplifted. Either He will give me the strength to turn my back, or the strength to keep fighting for that love that I so desperately want.