I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. Yesterday was my first day back in counseling, and it was excruciating. The first appointment is always the hardest. That's where you have to fill out tons of paperwork to determine the type of abuse you experienced and of course the millions of questions that you have to answer.
It's amazing how I had blocked so much out. I stopped thinking so much about the things that had happened. The feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness... those are still there almost everyday, but as far as the actual acts of violence, I began to shut those out after Jude was born. Maybe I was so busy with the baby that I didn't have time to think about it, or maybe I was just finally moving past it. Either way, the only time it was on my mind was when I would have nightmares about it. My appointment yesterday, brought it all back. Needless to say, it was an emotional and exhausting day, and I wasn't the most pleasant to talk to.
Today just sucks. Travis is gone now and that's the end. I've been hurt for the last time. If I keep people away, then they can't hurt Jude and me. I'm angry as hell that someone could change their mind so many times and cause pain again. I'm pissed that I allowed that to happen. I know I'm not the easiest person to be with, but I'm honest and I would've given the world to him if I could have. That's just who I am and it sucks when it's not enough. I think that an adult should know what they can and can't handle. Of course, this is coming from a woman that can't handle another break up. I hate the irony of it. Just as I can blame him for hurting me, really it's my fault for allowing it to happen. I gave my heart to someone and trusted that it would end happily. I believed his words because I love him. Lesson learned.
Now I have to make it through day to day. I want so badly to be able to plan out a future again. I really thought that I had found my Prince Charming. Fuck! How could I have been so stupid?
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