I'm driving myself crazy! Everyday, I wake up and feel the emptiness hit in the pit of my stomach. The nightmares have been coming frequently and are getting more intense. The thing is, Brian is in fewer of them now, and the other is in more. I don't understand where this is coming from, but it's making me question reality.
It was a rough weekend and one that I'd really rather not talk about. Thankfully, Travis was there to pull me out of my head and see a bit more clearly. Sometimes, I think he still loves me and I carry hope that it will work out, then other times, he'll say something that completely knocks me off of my feet and I question everything. I don't know which way is up anymore and I blame myself for letting someone get so close and then rip themselves away. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish that I could just let go and put a smile on and at least pretend that I'm not hurt. My problem is that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I can't hide my emotions. I always thought that it was better to tell the people that you love how you feel, but in this case, I'm afraid that at some point soon, he'll just get sick of my crap and ditch me completely. I don't want to annoy him, I certainly don't want to offend him... I don't know how to act. This break up has been devastating. I don't think I could explain how painful it is even if I tried.
My problem is that I love too much. I give my heart away and trust too easily. I give a relationship everything that I can and I trust that the same will be done for me. So far, that hasn't been how it's panned out. I will say though that he is the one man that I haven't hated after breaking my heart. He did what was right for his life, and I can respect that... it's just hard when I'M what was wrong for his life. I'm still in love, I'm still holding on and I would still give my heart to him at any point and that's what hurts the most. How do you fall out of love? I don't want to go through this again and end up in the exact same place that I'm at right now. How can it be so easy for one and so hard for the other? I'm thankful to still get his phone calls everyday, but sometimes I think that makes it harder. I hate how platonic it's supposed to be but on the other hand, I can't bear the thought of losing him out of my life.
I do know that if I can't stay strong, that I'll never know love. I've been told that I need to love myself first, but that's not in my nature. I've always tried to put the people that I love first, myself second. There's no point in arguing with me about that, because I'll never change it. I've tried in the past, and it's just not how I'm wired. I don't try to be complicated. I'm a compassionate (sometimes), gentle, loving person and I can't change those traits that I would see as quality ones, just to become someone that hurts people to make myself happy.
I need to go to bed and try to sleep before the nightmares hit again. It sucks knowing that tomorrow, I'll more than likely wake up to that pit in my stomach and immediately reach for my phone and text something stupid. I always hope that he's thinking about me or happy to hear from me, but it's become routine. Things have changed and I'm just at the point in my life that I can't really handle any more changes. I'm a good woman, I'm not ugly, I'm not stupid... I just have to remind myself of these things and maybe with that, I'll shine on the outside bright enough for him to see me, the real me.
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