To quote the infamous Ice Cube, "today was a good day"

The past few days have been looking up. There has been no fighting, no crying, no feelings of hopeless desperation for a life that has been lost... it's been more upbeat than I've felt in a while. I'm trying my best to look at the little things in life and be more thankful for them. Though I don't have my children, I am lucky that my ex husband has agreed to let them visit for a few weeks in July. I am thrilled that I'll get to feel their small, but strong arms wrap around my neck again as they hug me, and call me mommy. I long to be able to embrace my sweet little Jack, but for now, that can't happen and I feel very blessed to have the connection with Emma and Aiden. I'm devastated that I can't even communicate with Jack and I fear that he doesn't know who I am anymore, but am still very blessed to be able to talk to Emma and Aiden over the phone most days. I will take what I can get and be thankful because I know that my time with Jack will come again and I will do everything in my power to restore the bond that has been broken.

I am thankful for my friends, and am learning to get back in the swing of being sociable again. I am feeling less like I want to shut people out because of my own insecurities, and talk openly about what's been going on. That's a huge step for me at this point. Things with my mother have been better the past few days as well, and I will do my best to keep it that way. It makes for less stress on all of us, as for now, we have no other choice but to coexist. I know it isn't easy on my parents to have their 29 year old daughter and their 7 week old grandson living under their roof. I need to remember that they had good intentions by asking me to move back home so I could have the baby and we could be safe. Yes, it's a whole new life, but life can't get better if I'm stuck in the past and constantly dwelling on what I no longer have. I'm young, and I will someday have my own home, and a happy life again, but no one can make that happen other than myself.

Tomorrow I have my first counseling at the domestic abuse crisis center. I've been trying to get in since I'd moved here in January, but for some reason, they never returned my phone calls. I did let them know how discouraged and upset I was that the only place for me to turn for help (seeing as though I had no insurance and I WAS a victim of abuse) wasn't in fact there to help. This will be the first time that I've had counseling since January, when I still lived in Indiana. Once again, I'm thankful that it's available to me now. I know that I couldn't get through all the bullshit if I couldn't get the help. At least I'm smart enough to realize that. I don't want to continue living in fear and hopelessness and I'm taking abuse by the balls and ripping it out of my life... if only I had done that to Brian!

I am thankful that I had "girl time" today with my friend, Kara. It was so nice to be out of the house and actually laughing again! I used to be with friends all the time, even if it just meant sitting and shooting the shit at each others houses... I was content. I'll always be thankful for Jen and for all the times that she would sit and listen or cry with me because of what I had gone through. God knew that I would need these strong women and he put them in my path at just the right times in life. Jen, Kara, and Beth... thank you from the bottom of my heart! I only hope that I am as good of a friend to you as you are to me.

I was cleaning my room when I decided to take a break and update this, so I should probably get back to the task at hand before I decide that laziness is much more appealing than being productive, but I have a new project that I will begin working on soon. As I was trying to fill out parts of Jude's baby book (something that I've tried to do since the day after he was born), I realized how sad it is for me. The traditional baby book includes page upon page of spaces to involve information on the father, beginning with his name, hobbies, etc, and ending with a whole page dedicated to a note from him. In Jude's case, I'd rather not have to put anything about Brian or our relationship in there. The day I found out I was pregnant, things were good. He had just come home from work, and as he was playing with Jack, I handed him the positive pregnancy test with terrified tears in my eyes. I wasn't sure how he would react and I sure as hell wasn't thrilled about having another child. To my surprise, he was excited and gave me a big hug... we all know it went down hill from there. Beyond that moment, aside from one OB appointment, he wasn't involved. I went to my first ultrasound alone, I was alone for all of my OB appointments... you get the point. So I'm writing my own baby book. It will exclude the traditional spots for the father. In my case, and I suspect in the case of many other women facing this dilemma, it was my family and friends who earned those places in Jude's baby book and I intend to involve them in his life from the baby years and as he grows to be a man. The world is changing and single mothers are becoming far more traditional than those who parent with a spouse or significant other. We'll see how it goes, but please keep me in your prayers as I work this out... as I work all of this out. Now... back to cleaning.

I'm thankful for:

1. My children
2. Travis
3. My friendships
4. Counseling
5. A safe place for Jude and I
6. Creative ingenuity

"I have learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we
feel. That either you control your attitude or it controls you."