Father's Day... or is it?

I'd be lying if I said that I haven't shed a tear today. It's hard being a single mother, though I try to remind myself that if it weren't for my parents and their financial help, it would be much harder. It's not that I miss Brian, please don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful that he's out of my life and will never be in Jude's, but it's sad. Jude may never know what it's like to have a good father in his life. There are certain things that I can't teach my son, but I've been through too much as far as relationships go to ever introduce another man into his life. If I can't have who I want, then I'd rather just stay single and not have to go through the heartbreak again, and I definitely don't want my child to go through that either. Most of the time, I don't even think of the fact that it's just me raising him. My days are so full of taking care of him that it seems routine. It IS routine now and I'm proud of that! Then again, there are times like his first real smile and the first day that he started "talking"... those moments are wonderful and I'm stopped dead in my tracks because it's just me that is experiencing those firsts. I want to watch him being held in strong arms and to watch a father and son playing catch in the backyard. I don't want Jude to miss out, but he will. There is going to come a day when he'll notice that the other kids have dads, and he'll ask me where his is. The thought of this breaks my heart. How do I explain that he was safer not having his father there. How do you a tell a child that his father tried to kill both he and his mother before he was born? How do I tell Jude that he's had two men that called themselves dad, and then decided that they didn't want mom anymore? I feel so fucking guilty over it. I look at that precious baby, and I thank God for his life. We could have easily been killed that day, Jude was in even more danger as I may have recovered from being strangled, but who knows if I hadn't gone limp like the voice in my head told me to... I can't even think about it. So it's Father's Day, and Brian and his father are more than likely basking in each others worthless company. My son, my Jack, is there with them. I can't protect him from those monsters and this is supposed to be his day, dad's day. So today, I'm claiming this one. I'm both, a mother and a father. I will teach my son as much as I can. He'll probably be sitting down to pee well into his twenties, and he'll throw a baseball like a girl, but at least he'll be able to hold his head high and know that even though he didn't have a dad, he has a mom that loves him unconditionally and she tried her best to make life good for him. On that note, I'm going to watch my baby sleep peacefully in his crib... the one that I put together, without a man's help and listen to the music playing on his new mobile... that I put together, once again without a man. I'm sad and I'm lonely and I'd give anything to have him be the dad that he promised to be and watch Jude grow, but this is the hand I've been dealt. Things can always change and can always get better. So to all the single moms... HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!