I vaguely remember what being "normal" felt like. I get glimpses of it on occasion, but really, I'm back to living day to day, just trying to find something that makes the day worth living. I'm so far gone from who I used to be. I still keep that fire burning inside that I will find myself again. I've reconnected with an old friend, whom because of Brian's jealousy, I was not allowed to talk to for some time. He kept reminding me that he believes me to be "the most awesome woman he's ever met". It has been two years since we were last able to see each other. The only reason I could, was because at that time, Brian was cheating heavily during his time with the Wounder Warriors Battalion at the National Naval Hospital in Bethesda, MD, and we had split up. This was a period of time that I try not to think about because it can still be quite painful if I think about the words that he said to me. The physical acts against me are healing little by little, but the words... God, they're enough to bring me to my knees some days.
As we were talking, and I was telling Andrew what happened that led to Brian's arrest, I kept saying things like "stupid me, I should have kept my mouth shut", and "it's my fault that the kids are gone"... I kept taking the blame. For the first time, someone put it into perspective and a light went on... It wasn't my fault! In a normal relationship, we should be able to speak our minds and not have fear of being punished for it. We should be able to communicate. I never thought of it like that. I was constantly told that "that wouldn't have happened, if you didn't say that, do that". It's ironic that shortly after that epiphany struck me, I am once again blaming myself for another failed relationship. No matter how much I'm told something isn't my fault, it's like I'm programmed now to automatically take the blame and feel like complete shit for it.
I was born in the wrong era. I belong back in the 50's, when a woman was sought after for marriage and no matter what, the majority of those relationships lasted come hell or high water. The times were much more innocent... and the cars were far more bad ass! Maybe it was because morals were much higher (not that I'm one who should be preaching about that), or because there was simply less temptation to stray from loved ones. I don't know, but to me, the thought of having a specific role as a mother and a wife has such appeal to me. I long for that simplicity.
Love is a tricky thing. I believe it is the most powerful emotion in existence. The range alone of the emotion can't be described. We've all felt it wax and wan like the cycle of the moon, or the ebb of a tide. It's powerful, it's beautiful, it's devastating. Love is the drug that can make a person, and consequently, also break a person. I am very much broken.
I'm a fighter and I don't walk away easily. It took me almost 4 years, at least 10 affairs, and countless periods of sadness, to finally walk away from Brian. Sadly, I will admit that after Brian's arrest in November, he sucked me back into his vortex of shit a month later. I spent most of December back in the arms of my abuser. I was living in a place where I didn't know anyone but my father-in-law, and he refused to speak to me. Brian was back to his charming, apologetic self, and I was back to being the idiot that believed that he was changing. It didn't take long to realize that I was very much in danger again, and it was time to get out of dodge. It may seem like no accomplishment to you, but I haven't spoken to him since December 29, 2009... which was his 26th birthday. It was the last time he threatened that if I didn't do something, he would end his life. I simply replied with "what's stopping you?". Maybe a small part of me takes pride in being that strong, but then again, I was in Ohio at the time so it's not like he was going to show up at my doorstep.
Travis and I began talking in September of 2009. I immediately felt a bond, and that's strange for me because I DO NOT trust people, especially people I had just "met". Even now, when I'm so far away from Brian and the crap that he did to me, I have a very hard time trusting people. I am the type of person that puts it all out there (if you haven't noticed) and I believe that honesty is the best policy. Even if that honesty may hurt someone's feelings, I'd rather be blunt and tell it like it is, than lie to someone. If there was one thing that I lost in my marriage and then regained, it's my honesty. You'd think that I'd attract people like that, but apparently not. Maybe he just didn't want to hurt my feelings or maybe I just suck at life. I don't know.
I hate not being able to openly talk about something that is important to me and I'm sick of hearing "I'm sorry". Maybe I hate hearing that because I've heard it so much after getting thrown around my home or learning of another lie. Maybe those words can't possible mean anything to me anymore because they meant absolutely nothing when they've been said to me in the past. Here's an idea... say you're sorry, and then fix what you're sorry about. Don't allow those words to be your crutch. Face the decisions that you've made that impacted another person's life and work them out. Give it a chance. I don't just give up even though God knows how badly I want to at times. When it comes to love, I fight. I fought for my marriage, I fought for my children, and I lost. At some point, the pattern has to stop and I have to start winning. You can't make someone love you, but if they really do love you, then nothing should stand in the way of making it work.
I decided to do my yoga at 1am. Not a stellar idea since I'm wide awake now. I thought that maybe by clearing my mind and some deep breathing, I would calm down, my heart would be at ease, and I could fall into a peaceful slumber. It's proving to be quite the opposite. I have so many body image issues that lately, I've been pushing myself to look like I did before Jude came along. Though I look at him and feel very blessed for him... I really miss being that size 6. I'm starting to wonder if that will ever come back. For some stupid reason, I feel like if I don't look that way again, I'll never be able to be loved. I worked so hard to look the way that Brian wanted me to, and it didn't really matter. Blah... I'm a mess. Tomorrow is another day, another chance to get it right. I'm praying for a change of heart and a better day. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and maybe someday, I won't be so far away from my loved ones.
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