The little things

It's been an interesting day to say the least. I found out that Jude was dropped from medicaid and was informed of this by his pediatrician's office as they called to reschedule is 2 month well baby appointment that was supposed to be tomorrow. Imagine my shock as I was informed that it was cancelled because they were sent a letter stating that he wasn't insured. I thought that I had taken care of everything, and was able to breathe a huge sigh of relief because if nothing else, my son had health insurance. I HATE living in this state. I can't stand the fact that I now have close to 50 grand in medical bills because I went through a pregnancy and birth with no insurance. I thought I had it, I was told I had it, but alas, it seems that no one had their shit straight. I've never needed insurance more in my life than I do right now and it's not available to me. However, I'm not freaking out about it. I have faith and I trust that that will be taken care of. It's just hard to have to go about it in the ways that I'm going to have to. Is nothing simple?

I had counseling today and it went great! My therapist sat in awe as I told her how I was feeling, how I had been feeling. Ever since I put the crib together, I found a new strength in myself that I didn't know was still there. It's amazing how such a menial task could take on the form of empowerment for me. I'm not sure if I can explain it, but for me, I was always told that I couldn't do things. I wanted to learn how to change my oil or fix things... even how to change a wiper blade... things that most people could do in their sleep, but I was told that I'd "never be able to learn because you're too stupid". I put my son's crib together. I did it (with the help of my daughter), but it was something that I didn't need help with from a man. Guess what? I wasn't too stupid after all! That small task finally made me realize that there a lot of things that I CAN do. I am an intelligent woman and there's nothing that I can't learn how to do. With that small accomplishment, I woke up. That's when the more positive attitude started. Yes, I hate living in Ohio, yes I still have a few crappy moments some days, but doesn't everyone? I'm no different than anyone else. My life is no better or no worse, it's just different circumstances.

I've decided that I will not be allowing the paternity test to take place. I will make calls to stop it tomorrow. I don't want child support from Brian, I don't want anything. If he wants to see his son, then he'll have to get through ME first... and though I can be a very sweet person and I have a heart of gold for the ones I love, I'm not one who will easily give in to the people that I don't like. Jude is MY son. He grew in my body, and depends on me alone for his protection. I'm not going to let that little guy down. I've let my children down before and it will never happen again! See, this is me being strong. I'll bet Brian completely forgot that I have worth and I'm not afraid to show it now.

I doubt anyone will understand this, that a piece of baby furniture made me feel whole again. It's ok, I'm not offended if you think I'm nuts. Kristin is coming back. It's damn good to see glimpses of her again! I'm content tonight, I might even go so far as to say that I'm HAPPY, and this time, I actually feel it and I'm not just going through the motions of acting like a happy person. In my heart I know that there are good things ahead of me. I feel so full of love tonight that I don't know what to do with myself. God, it feels good!