Today, I don't care about anything. I'm numb from the inside out. I could walk through fire and not feel a single sting. I want to give up, it's right there, right on the edge, where it's been so many times before. I knew I would still have days like this and I guess I'm thankful that I'm numb now because I don't think I could cry one more tear. It's just life, it's just MY life. So to those that tell me that God is going to make everything better... where is HE? When is He going to intervene and stop the landslides that get worse? I don't want to hear another thing about God. I was faithful, I loved Him more than I could imagine possible and yet it went unnoticed. When things started to get worse, I kept my faith, accepting that this was a test and it would be over soon... when? I've taken this test so many times and my answers are always the same. I always finish with my arms held high waiting for Him to life me up like a child, but He's not there. Aren't there other people that deserve their turn in this hell? I'm a good person, damn it! I have loved with all of my heart and continue to love the most selfish people that take me for granted and I want to stop. I want so badly to have the power over them for once instead of holding on to people that don't want me. I don't want the nightmares anymore and I would do anything for someone to take them away. Lately, it's not just Brian that I see. I see two men and they're both laughing over me as I'm begging for my life. I can't go into details, those dreams take my breath away. I know who the other man is. I thanked God for him, but God allowed all of this.