I've gotten to the crucial half way point. I no longer have ANY feelings for Brian and I remember thinking that the love that I felt for him would never go away and that I'd never heal. Anyone who's been through a break up, whether it's in a marriage or not, knows that feeling. It's always hard when the relationship ends and it isn't on mutual terms. In my case with Brian, the more I look at it, I was the one who ended it. He didn't leave me the last time, he was arrested and had to leave because the cops hauled him off... but that was MY choice to end it. That was really the only way that I could end it. At the time, that wasn't my intention, I just realized how dangerously close I was to death and without even thinking about it, I called the police because even though I had let it get that far in the past I knew that the next time would probably be the end of the line for my life. It was fight or flight and I no longer regret the decision I made. It's crazy for me to look at myself now and see how far I really have come. What's even more crazy is that all of this strength that I possess now, came about in such a short period of time. It's like I just woke up one day and refused to weak anymore. I've got a long way to go and the road will always have bumps, but I feel much better equipped now to handle them now.
I wish I could explain how it used to be. I want to be able to really paint the picture of abuse and how an abuser controls his victim. When I used to say how much I missed him, people would look at me like I was insane. Only those that have actually been through it can really understand what it was like and why I stayed for so long. Aside from the children, the treats, telling me no one would want me... believe it or not, there was a sense of security there. I mentioned the cycles of abuse in a previous post and referred to the "honeymoon" and what I call the "normal" phases. During these times, we were just like any other couple, happy even. Those were the times that I saw my best friend in him. He was more like the man that I met, than the monster that had me begging for mercy. We did everything together then, we laughed, and we loved. I want to be clear... I DO NOT miss him, I don't miss the way that it used to be, I don't look back at anything with him fondly because I'm strong now and I see clearly. I know that when I thought I was happy, I was really miserable, but there were human comforts then that I do miss.
I don't thrive on having a relationship all the time. I realize that being single is healthy for me. I have forgiven and am trying to move past the heartache with Travis. He's a good man, and I don't fault him for his decisions. I can be a lot to handle and not everyone is cut out for relationships. I could have made the choice to stay angry, but what good would it have done? I can't ruin a friendship that I hold dearly, even though it does hurt and I don't think he understands what his words have a tendency to do to me, but that's not his fault. Men can be blind to those things. Not all, but the ones that I've been with certainly have. To get to the point, I miss that contact with someone. It's hard being a single mom because I've always been with my husband. At the end of the day, when the kids went to bed, I could curl up on the couch with someone and watch tv or sometimes we'd lay in bed and read. I had someone there. At night, I could hear him breathe next to me, and during the day, I had someone to talk to. Even the normal everyday things like discussing finances or making plans. I don't have that anymore. Now when I go to bed, I stretch my arm over the empty place where someone was always next to me. I miss having that deep connection with someone. I miss having a husband, a best friend, that person that you believe will never go away. But in my case, they all go away. Don't get me wrong, I'm strong now, I'm okay... but I'm lonely. It's now during these dark times that I wish I had someone to lay with and hold me or say something stupid to distract me and make me laugh. I want someone to look at me tell me that they can't imagine life without me. Believe it not, Brian did all of those things. That was the hardest part for me. I was promised a life of love, happiness, and growing old together, but it was a lie. To have gone through more of those promises with someone else and then him taking them away again, that was devastating and I now find myself back at that point where I feel like I won't heal from this. Luckily, I'm smart enough to know that if I could get through it once, I can do it again. It's just horrible that knowing what I've been through, anyone would make me go back and do it all over again. There has to be someone out there for me and I hope that I live long enough to find him. I'll stay strong no matter what... I have to.
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