And so it goes...

As Jude is napping peacefully in his new crib (which Sarah and I put together yesterday... I thank God for that kid and her ability to follow directions), I'll try and update this quickly before he wakes up. Yesterday was hard, VERY hard. I came dangerously close to pushing away a friendship that means the world to me. Thankfully, after talking to my brother for a few hours last night, I woke up with such a heavy heart and I immediately put myself in check. I CANNOT continue to treat someone with resentment for doing what he needed to do to make his life better. I've been in that position and it's miserable. I love him, and I'm not going to spend one more second berating him for his choices. Everyone makes mistakes, but when an apology is sincere, that's all that should matter. Live and learn. If it's meant to be, then it'll happen again in the future when my head is right and I'm much better for him. With that said, I feel like something has awakened inside of me. It's been a good day.

I saw my counselor again on Monday and when she asked how I had been over the week, I held nothing back. If I lie about how I'm feeling or my lack of ability to cope, then I'll never get any better and life will stay at this plateau of shit. I make myself miserable, and I know for a fact that I've made one of the few people that actually matters to me, miserable as well. That defeats the purpose of going to counseling. I don't want to waste her time or mine, so I figure that honesty (as always) is the best policy. Cliche, but true. This time wasn't so bad, I barely cried at all and she offered encouragement which really does help. It's strange for me to hear encouragement and compliments. She remarked on how I don't know how to act when treated kindly... that's pretty sad. Just one more thing to work on. My "homework" for the week was to write a list of 50 things that I like about myself. My first reaction was that this is a rather ridiculous thing to do. I barely have time to myself to write this! My second thought was that there is no way that I can come up with 5 good things, let alone 50... and after much thought, I've only been able to come up with 2. It's amazing to me that I can handle so much that life throws at me (even though I think I can't handle one more thing... until the next thing comes along) but this little assignment has stopped me dead in my tracks and makes me feel panicky. I have this overwhelming fear of letting people down, especially the people that want to help me. Somehow, I have to come up with 48 more quality traits for her, and that scares the shit out of me. I don't want her to think that I'm not serious about getting better or that I am unappreciative of her suggestions. She says I can ask friends and family for help, but I'm not going to do that. I have a hard time with a stranger complimenting me... I don't want to force other people to do it too. Ahh, the life of being mind fucked! Doesn't it just sound like so much fun?

I have decided to finally go on an antidepressant. I've fought it for years, but I think now is the time to do it. I always felt that it was just a quick fix to mask problems, but eventually you have to face those problems anyway so what's the point? The way my counselor explained it to me made much more sense. She says it's more like a bandaide for people that deal with things like this. It will help me to fight the depression so that the layers of pain, anger, and shame can be lifted one by one through our talks. I believe that it will help greatly and at this point, I'm so focused on getting my life back, that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that goal. It's going to be a low dose, but it'll help me want to get out of bed everyday and that's huge for me. I have a life, but I hate the life I have. I have no choice but to change my thought patterns that have been programmed into me for the past few years, or I will die a very sad lady. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in misery, and if I did, then I will have let Brian accomplish what he set out to do. My life was and is a game to him. If I continue to let his words break me down, then he will have won and I might as well jump off of a bridge.

My children don't think I'm worthless. In fact, they think I'm amazing and the opinions of Sarah, Emma, Aiden, Jack, and Jude, are all that should matter to me. I was given the responsibility of molding them into happy, intelligent, responsible little people and though I may not be able to do that on a daily basis, I have to set the example. As I'm writing this and thinking about my little blessings, I realize that that piece of shit that called himself a man, is really the one who has nothing. If I look at it closely enough, I realize that I'm the one that has everything. He can't be a father to his children. There are laws that will eventually keep him away from Jack, there is so much protection here on Jude that he'll never be able to get close to him in any way, and his daughter thinks that another man is her father. When it all boils down to it, children are what make worth living. Being a parent is such a gift and even though I don't get to see Emma, Aiden, and Jack everyday, I will always be their mother and that's something that NO ONE can take away. I will be with them all again one day, and he'll still never be able to. That right there puts a smile on my face. I know that I've been a good mother, I know that I'm a good person, and I know that I've told the truth through and through... and THAT makes me the winner here.

Thinking about the kids makes me miss the old days very much, but the old days also came with a lot of pain. The new days are what I' m trying to look forward to. Sarah had her first horse show of the summer last Friday, and though I'm proud of her everyday, I could literally feel myself beaming pride as I watched my first born hop up on her horse. She's worked so hard and it shows and as I watched her ride Taz, I was tearing up because I'd missed so much of her young life. She is such an amazing young woman, and it's hard to know that she's becoming less of my little girl, and more of her own person. I hope that she is as proud of herself as I am of her. One good thing that I can say about living here, is that I get to be with her almost everyday. I miss her on the weekends when she's at the farm, but I look forward to when she gets home. A few nights ago, we stayed awake until almost 2 and just talked. That's a memory that I'll keep forever. She's my saving grace and I can't tell you how much I thank God for her... for all of them.

Jude is beginning to stir in his sleep so I know that it's time to wrap this up. It was nice having some "me" time and now it's back to reality, but today, that's a good thing. God bless!

I'm thankful for:

1. My children
2. A saved friendship
3. The bitch slap of reality