My heart stopped...

It's Friday night, so that meant another show for Sarah. It's the last one at the fair grounds before the fair so it was a pretty big deal. As always, she placed in every class (a total of 6) and I am so very proud of her and her commitment to what she loves to do. I'm always in awe when I watch her ride. She went from being a timid little girl, to an outgoing young woman. I am so blessed to have her as my daughter and I hope that I make her see that every day.

Tonight was the first time that I saw just how quickly something can go wrong and how dangerous it can be. She has been riding for over 6 years now and she knows what she's doing. She knows Taz's every move and they work so well together. I never have any fear that he could hurt her (other than being lazy, laying down, and rolling on her leg)... I trust the relationship and bond that they have with one another. Since this was the last show of this kind before the fair, there were a lot of entries, more than I've seen all summer and some of these kids were not as experienced. I noticed almost immediately when everyone was in the ring that there was an arabian that was out of control. The girl riding it couldn't keep the damn horse in control and it was beginning to rear up on her. In a split second, I see this horse go nuts, and I panicked thinking that they needed to get this kid out of the ring. In a split second, Taz got spooked and Sarah fell from his back and landed on her knees. The judges didn't see, no one saw, and she was dangerously close to getting trampled. I have never been so horrified in my life. My daughter was hurt. Well, so I thought.

The judge walked over to her and they were helped out of the ring. Her dad and grandmothers rushed to be with her (I was in the middle of feeding Jude so I was behind), and thankfully though shaken, she ended up being ok. She was terrified and her pride was hurt more than anything else, but she finished the evening and that horse and rider weren't allowed to compete any more this evening. My daughter is a tough kid! If you would have seen how far she fell and how seriously injured she could have been, most adults wouldn't have gotten back on. She did. I admire her tenacity, and I hope that she will always carry that with her no matter what situation she's in. Maybe the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've got to be kidding me!

I've decided to keep this blog going, even though there is childish family drama attached to it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you don't like what I have to say, don't read it. Simple as that. Keep the crying to yourself and go on with YOUR life, I don't need the drama in MINE.

With that said, on to the update. I received a call from the prosecutor in Brian's case a earlier this week. What I learned has struck a nerve in me deeper than I thought possible. The prosecutor is offering a plea, and the defense is more than likely going to take it. Now, this still has to go before the judge and he will ultimately make the decision, but this is what the plea involves: Brian will plead guilty to only one of the felonies that he has been charged with. It's a class D felony, the other two are a class C(which is the worst), and another class D, but they will be dropped (bullshit!). He will be sentenced to 18 months in the DOC, however, those 18 months will be suspended if he agrees to a year of probation where he will have to continue treatment at the VA for PTSD, mandatory drug tests, and paying court costs. If he gets in any trouble during that one year that he's on probation, he will have to serve the rest of the time in jail. WHAT THE FUCK??? THIS is out legal system hard at work folks! Aren't we all so proud!

I made it VERY clear that every instance of abuse that occurred, always happened DURING his time in treatment either with his counselors in the Navy, or during treatment at the VA. Is it so hard to understand given his past even before entering the military that this is NOT about PTSD?! I also mentioned the fact that random drug testing is a great idea... if it weren't for the fact that he doesn't do illegal drugs. He chooses to abuse the drugs that he's prescribed by his awesome "doctors". So he can continue his drug abuse, taking whole bottles of xanax, klonapin, adavan... and it won't matter because he's prescribed that shit. What a great idea, let's give this veteran a chance to continue to fuck up people's lives. Also, they decided to drop the no contact order between he and Jack. Brian now gets to see my son as much as he wants because Keith (Brian's dad) thinks nothing ever happened. It's funny though how the abusive piece of crap can see Jack, but that family refuses to return phone calls, emails, or send any pictures to me of MY son.

I have made my recommendation that this case goes to trail and that the plea be pulled off the table. Even if I end up losing in the end and he gets off, I'd rather take a stand and fight for what's right then just roll over and agree with what I know is wrong. If this plea is accepted, he'll get a slap on the wrist while Emma, Aiden, Jack, Jude, and I get a slap in the face. There is no excuse for letting someone so dangerous get away with this. He will only continue to do this time and time again.

I will have my day in court soon when I can speak to the judge and I look forward to it. Gone are the days of fear, now I'm ready to make my voice be heard for not only myself, but for the children that he's done permanent damage to. I can only do my best at making sure that justice is served and even if I'm unsuccessful, I can say that I gave it a fighting chance.

Will it ever get easier?

I want to close my eyes and have everything back. I want to go back in time and make everything right. I want to undo bad decisions so that I never have to be afraid to make decisions in the future. Most of all, I want to look in the mirror and love what I see. I used to feel beautiful inside and out, not anymore. I'm sure there are people that read this and think that I should just shut up, quit whining, and get on with life. To those people, I offer a simple fuck you. Nobody makes you read what I write. This is for me, and me only. I don't care what anyone thinks of me, I only care about getting my thoughts out so that I don't have to carry them around all the time. My head gets really congested some days. I want to sleep peacefully and wake up to a life where this bullshit never happened. I know that's not possible.

I'm terrified to make any decisions. They always end up hurting in the end. I miss my children, I miss my happiness with them. I don't want anyone to save me, most days I just want everyone to leave me alone. This is my life now, Brian. Are you happy to know that you have destroyed so much? Are you happy that I gave you every ounce of love that I could conjure up, only to hurt me time and time again? Did those other women make you feel good about yourself? Does your new girlfriend believe your lies like I did? Are you going to try to kill her too? You killed me long ago, just not in the way you intended to. I've been dead for years. I only hope that my ghost haunts your dreams just as much as you haunt mine.

Love the Way You Lie

I heard this song on the radio tonight. His lyrics are right on in this song... THIS is what I lived for years. I couldn't stop the tears, it sent chills through my body. I'm glad this is all over now and I don't ever have to go through it again. I'm free...

It sucks to be sick

I think last night may have been one of the longest nights that I can remember. Seeing as though I managed to make through fall and the nasty IN and OH winter without getting sick, it would figure that I come down with a cold when it's close to a hundred degrees outside. Jude went to be a little before 8 o'clock last night (don't think he's feeling too grand either), and I was sure to have Emma and Aiden tucked in by 8:30 so I could pass out. I lost count of how many times I woke up. For some reason, Jude has been waking up around 2am lately. He's been sleeping through the night since he was 6 weeks old, so I'm not sure what it's about, but I think I'll have a talk with him about the matter today. He should know that I don't enjoy middle of the night feedings!

I've been having really weird dreams lately. I don't remember all of them, mostly just bits and pieces. They aren't bad dreams, just strange, so I'm ok with that. It's been a while since I've awakened to my heart pounding, sitting straight up in bed, sweating like Richard Simmons in spandex. I am becoming more immune to Brian and what has happened. I've moved into the hatred stage, and with that, I don't think about him really at all now. I just simply don't care. I'm sure in another week, something will piss me off and I'll be back to ranting about how he should be dead.

Today is the last full day with Emmma and Aiden here. I'm very sad about that, but I know that I will see them soon. I'm hoping to be able to make a visit to Woodbridge for a day when I'm out in MD in a couple weeks. I'm just not ready to let them go yet. If it were up to me, I wouldn't. I'm trying to prepare myself for the sadness that I will be facing in the next few days. It's not easy being away from your children for so long, and then having to let them go again. I hate being so far away from them. There's nothing I can do to protect them or guide them. I can't see their artwork over the phone or give them hugs and kisses. I'm not ready to go through this again.

Home is where the heart is? I think not...

I'm so far past the point of exhaustion. I have no idea how I'm able to keep my eyes open right now let alone write anything. I'll try to remain coherent here, just bear with me. It's a blessing to have had Emma and Aiden here. No matter how crappy I've felt or how tired I am, I'm going to miss them so much when they leave. I just wish I had some of the energy that they do! I'm amazed at how children never seem to get tired. It's amusing to me that as children, we dread having to take naps or going to bed, yet as an adult, we'll find any excuse we can to go to sleep. With the exception of my mother's horrid attitude, it's been really fun being mommy again in person rather than over the phone. I hope that with the friendship between Micah and me getting better, I'll be able to see them more often.

I had another day in court today and I'm happy to report that all is well. Brian has not been successful in trying to have Jude removed from my custody and he's not willing to show up for any court dates to continue to try and do so. He's the biggest idiot I've ever known... and I've known plenty! I don't understand why he's so determined to make sure that I live a life of suffering. If he and his family really care that little about me and what I do, wouldn't it make more sense to just leave me and my family alone? I don't understand why, if he cares so little, he can't just stay away from the child that he never wanted. Some things will never make sense I suppose.

All of the court stuff should be over soon and really, in my eyes, it already is. I can take Jude anywhere I would like now and I can also move out of here and take him with me. That's such an awesome feeling! It's been a long time since I've been able to do that. With Jack, he lived with me, I took care of him, but when shit went down with Brian, Jack's negligent grandfather (Brian's dad) has done everything in his power to make sure that I have no contact with MY son. I'm amazed at how callous that family is. Someday, everything will be ok, and I'll be with Jack again, but for now, I just have to focus on getting my life in order for my kids.

Untitled

Untitled

I close my eyes, I’m there with you
The heart that beats inside your soul
I was so naive, they didn’t care
It was your life that I sold
I’ll never know who you might be
Or see that sweet first smile
But in the arms of God, you wait for me
I promise to be there in a while
I often wonder what you’ll think
To see me face to face
Have you been happy all this time
Since my choice sent you away
Will you greet me with open arms
With a smile upon your lips
Please tell me that you’ll wait for me
Please tell me you’ll forgive
I never wanted to let you die
The pain I’ll always keep
I feel you with me when I cry
An ache that runs so deep
A choice they say that can be made
“It’s every woman’s right”
It’s safe to say, I no longer feel that way
It’s for your lost life that I fight

Fight or flight

I didn't sleep well again last night. Apart from feeling like complete crap, I had one of those dreams that sticks with you when you wake up and throughout the day. It wasn't a nightmare... then again, anything having to do with Brian could be considered just that. I don't remember much about it, but whatever I was feeling during that dream, is still with me now. I know that he tried to come back and that I came dangerously close to letting him. I remember the feeling of emptiness and loneliness well. It was the feeling that because of him, I felt often during our relationship. So many times, I had to learn to let go (which until a few months ago, I hadn't perfected the art of that), and then he would come running back when his new fling didn't work out. I hate the fact that he can still get to me in my subconscious. I'm never truly rid of him, no matter how hard I try.

There's so many things that I still don't understand and that I never will. I'll never get the answers that I need to get past this because time and time again, he would just tell me that he didn't have the answers, that he didn't know why he lied or cheated. How can you not know the answers? When I do something horrible, I know why I did it, and I can give the answers even if they aren't pleasant. I think it was just another way that he could control me.

Cheating is horrible. I did it to Micah when I met Brain. We were separated, but that didn't mean that it wasn't considered cheating. I knew that I no longer loved him and that I wanted out. I never tried to go back after that because if it got to the point of cheating, then I knew I was done. Brian, on the other hand, cheated with at least 9 women that I know of... THAT I KNOW OF. After everyone, he would always want to be with me again, even if it were just for a short while. Looking back, I don't know why I allowed that behavior to continue. All it did was tell him that he could hurt me as much as he wanted and I would always put up with it and still be there. I enabled him to be a complete piece of shit. I hope that someday, he falls madly in love with someone and the same things happen to him. I hope he'll know what it feels like to not be able to trust anyone, to not have a normal relationship, even friendships with anyone because when you're afraid of people and afraid to trust, you shut everyone out. I hope that his heart gets broken beyond recognition. And I hope that he gets to feel as worthless and empty as I feel everyday because of him. There was no point to him stringing me along like that for years other than to control me. He knew my weakness was the love that I had for him and he ran with it.

I think the hardest part of life right now is where I am. I'm stuck in a state that I hate. I never wanted to move here as a teenager and I sure as hell never wanted to move back after living on my own for so many years. I'm stuck with my parents, which is detrimental to my healing. I have to deal with mental abuse everyday that I have to live here because of my mother. I'll never heal, I'll never get on my feet again until I can get away. Thanks to Brian's bullshit with Jude, I don't know when that will be now. I hate not having my own home with my own things. I don't have much, but what I do have is sitting in storage collecting dust.

I realized yesterday that all I want is love. I also realized that I am in no shape for a relationship. I can't devote myself to anyone until I find who I am again. It's going to take a long time. If I can't trust, then I can't make someone happy. I'm amazed that I was able to trust Travis right away... until that trust was broken and now it's impossible. I can't allow myself to continue to get hurt, but I can't let him go either. I should have never let him in the way I did. It's not his fault that we failed, I'm not good for anyone like this. I pushed him away, I wallowed in self pity... I'm sure I made him quite miserable. The shitty part is that I'm still very much in love, despite my insecurities, but it's more than likely too late. My head is a jumbled mess. Meanwhile, Brian has a girlfriend. How ironic. The abuser has someone, but the abused can't make sense of anything and is afraid of her own shadow. Funny how God seems to let everything get so screwed up. I'm the one suffering, but he's the one that caused all the suffering and should be paying dearly for the kids and wife that he damaged. Go figure.

Today isn't going to be a good one. It's a bad sign when I wake up like this. Often an indicator of how crappy my mood will be. On top of this, we're having visitors this weekend that I'm not fond of. My mother will more than likely be extra horrible with my cousin around, but that's always the way it goes. I can't wait to see what shit storm is going to develop this weekend. God help me.

Hopes and dreams

Tonight, I was listening to my son as he was talking to his dad on the phone. I heard him say that he hopes it will snow for Christmas. I remember as a child living in Danville, VA, hoping for that very same thing. I would go outside at night every Christmas Eve, in the bitter cold, and look to the sky to make my wish. With my eyes shut tight, and the cold air filling my lungs, I truly believed that if I wished hard enough and really wanted it, I would wake up on Christmas morning to 10 feet of freshly fallen snow on the ground. It never happened.

When I was a kid, life was full of wishes. Some of them did come true, but most never did. Children put everything they have into their hopes. I always thought that if I was good, I would get that doll or that bike. I would hope and wish so hard that I really believed that I could make anything happen. I still find myself doing that to this day.

I miss being a child. I'm sure most of us do. I had the best childhood imaginable. I got most of what I wanted, never had to clean my room or do chores, and I was allowed to explore my creative side through theater, piano lessons, and dance classes. I lived in a nice, big house, and I had parents that were still together and I can only recall one fight being heard between them. I am ashamed to think of the opportunities that were laid out before me, and to see the life that I live now and what I've become.

My mother and I had the fight of all fights a couple days ago. I had had enough of the way she speaks to me and doing it in front of my children was the last straw. She kept saying "you weren't raised to be like this!"... and she was right. They gave me everything they could and it was much more than a lot of the kids that I went to school with. Like any parents, they would have given me the world if they could have. I didn't appreciate anything as a child, or a teenager, and even into my early adulthood. I just took and took, without really thanking or showing gratitude. When I lost everything, I began to appreciate everything that I did still have. Maybe it was too late. Maybe they can't see that I'm not that person anymore, that I AM appreciative. But at the same time, I'm an adult and I need to live my life. I'm not trying to go out and party, or waste money on clothes and stupid material things. I'm trying to make a life, a real life, for my children and myself. I went from having everything, to having close to nothing.

Everyday when I wake up, I make wishes like a child and I cling to hopes that I know are unrealistic. I still say my prayers everyday, even though I feel that my faith in God has slipped away. It's just by chance that He might actually hear me for once and I can't give up on what I'm asking for. I used to want a life full of so much, now I just beg for the simple life. My dreams have changed so much since childhood. I no longer want the big house, the nice cars, to be a doctor, singer, or ballerina. All I ask God for is love. Love from my parents, my children, and from the one person that I can see forever with. I don't need the big house, the nice car... those things don't matter. When I'm on my deathbed, I doubt that I'd care at all about the possessions that I'm about to leave behind. I know that I'll want the warmth of my loved ones around me. That's what matters, that's what life should be about. I may seem like such a complicated person when you really get to know me, but the thing that doesn't seem to come across is that I'm really one of the most uncomplicated people. I seek happiness and love. That's all.

So maybe tonight as I pray, God will hear my prayers and decide that it's time for an answer. Maybe He'll even say yes for once. It's been a long time coming and I'm trying so hard everyday to be a better person. I try to make myself happy and keep myself uplifted. Either He will give me the strength to turn my back, or the strength to keep fighting for that love that I so desperately want.

Who knows?

It's been a few days since I've written anything here. I don't really know what to say tonight. I'm feeling pretty crappy but I can't explain it. For some reason, I've managed to put all my eggs in one basket again. I love too deeply and I think that it's not mutual... actually, I'm pretty sure it isn't. So the question is, if someone loves you, then falls out of love, is it possible for them to ever fall in love with you again? What was it that made them fall in love in the first place? I would just like the life that everyone else has instead of the one that I have to live. Why do I love this person so much in the first place? Tomorrow is another day, another chance to get it right... and hopefully, it will be a good one. I wish I could shake this terrible feeling, but I don't think it's possible. I know more than I should... I wish I were as naive as some people think I am.

Seriously?

I'm struggling with some things tonight. I don't understand why it's so hard for some people to accept the fact that they're an adult and should start acting like one. I had my time in my early and mid-twenties where I partied and acted a fool, but those days were terrible and I regret them heavily. I think about all the good things in life that I missed out on and how I'll never get to make up for them. I'm a few months away from 30 and I'm pissed that I had my life together and because of Brian, all of it fell apart. School, a career, all of it down the shitter now after all of my hard work. Why do I allow people to make me feel this way? I'll never understand that selfishness. How can you live your life for yourself and claim to care so much about others? Maybe it's just me and I'm so vial that I can't be cared about, or maybe it's because I allow myself to be everyone's doormat. I'm more pissed today than I have been in a while. I can't stand selfishness! Get over yourself and be responsible! It must be nice to do whatever you want, whenever you feel like it. It must be nice to treat someone however you want and know that they're still going to be there because they love you. I wouldn't know. See, I'm a mother. My life is for my kids. It's the hardest job that I've ever had to do and I do it day and night with only myself to depend on. Men have it so easy. They know that the woman is always going to take care of the kids so they get to take a break. I guess maybe I'm bitter because it's been my experience that they tend to think "Oh, it's ok, Kristin will take care of everything, she's the mom, it's her job"... with the exception of Micah (because he stepped up), I've been the one that's done everything. Do I complain? I try not to and I've always tried to be thankful for being blessed with my children. I believe that every baby is a blessing and no one should have the right to decide to end that life. I've been there, done that, and it was the most physical and emotionally painful decision I've ever made. I'm thankful for my babies... why the fuck can't everyone feel that way??? Being a single mom is so hard. I'm exhausted, I'm stressed, I'm overjoyed, I'm never alone, and yet, I'm so lonely. Yeah I'm bitching tonight. If you only knew...

Frick!

I've entered a new stage of this process and nobody told me that this would happen. I should have assumed that someday I would begin to date again and that it would scare the hell out of me. Just the thought of going out with someone that I barely know is terrifying. What if I fall in love with someone else and they end up being another Jeckle and Hyde? How will I know if someone is going to change their personality in a split second and I'm about to end up dead? I never thought of this part.

Travis didn't scare me, I knew him and I would have been forewarned if there was something that I should be alarmed about. He's never coming back, I give up on that. I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, but I'm afraid that this will really hold me back. I have too much to lose and I will NEVER introduce another man into the life of any of my kids unless I am 100 percent certain that, A. they won't ditch us (like most tend to do) and B. they're not going to hurt us in any way. How do I learn to trust again? I was always the person that trusted until I was given a reason not to and now, I've been burned so many times that I trust nothing. Thanks Brian, really, for everything you've done to completely brain wash and mind fuck me. I hope you get yours one day!

When will it go away?

I am…

Sad, broken, little, ashamed, guilty, ugly, manipulated, fat, worthless, beaten down, degraded, pushed over, stepped on, taken advantage of, self conscience, afraid, sinful, worthless, cowardly, needy, forgotten, belittled, fragile, betrayed, unforgiving, mocked, envious, discouraged, jealous, post abortive, abused, angry, depressed, unloved, scarred, bitter, loney, pathetic, exhausted, over stimulated, under achieved … STRONG.

Picking up the pieces

It's July 7, 2010. Four years ago today, I began a relationship that seemed more promising than anything I'd ever experienced in my 25 years of life. He was beautiful, charming, and he loved me like no other... I'd never been more wrong about something in my life. Today is harder than I thought it would be. Honestly, I hadn't even thought about the date until I looked at the calendar and it hit me like a ton of bricks. You can't change the past, but the pain is overwhelming today. I was so in love, I would've given my life to save him, but it didn't matter. In the end I learned that love isn't enough and it wasn't mutual.

It was so amazing in the beginning, enough that I left my life in Okinawa, and moved my children to California just to make a new life with him. He was persuasive and I wanted my days and nights to be filled with love. Today, everything reminds me of him. I've done such a good job of shutting him out of my mind, and my life. I've perfected my way of protecting myself from the pain, but today, I grieve. I think it's normal, but then again, nothing about my life with him was normal.

I live with so much regret that some days it's unbearable. I've lost more than anyone should, but I must say that I've finally gained perspective and I know what I want my life to be like. The hard part is remaining the strong woman I've become and learning to rely on myself more than anyone else. That's something that I never thought I could do. I miss the good times, and I guess maybe today, I miss him just a little... but the man in my memory isn't the real deal. Our minds tend to block out the bad so that our memories seem less painful. I can admit that today, I miss who he was, who I was 4 years ago, but I can also admit that I never want him back in my life. Those days are gone, good and bad, and I have so much to work towards now. I'm such a different person and I wonder if I'll ever get back to feeling like myself. I want that confidence that I once held but I don't know that I can manage to find it again. I've been mentally beaten down for so long that I have no clue how to pick myself up again. I wish that I could understand why this happened to me, but there are things that I'll never know, so many questions that will remain left unanswered.

It's been a rough day with Jude. I think he may not be feeling well, and so he's been fussy all day. God forbid I put him down for 5 minutes. Sometimes I do wish that I didn't have to be a single mom. It's harder than I thought that it would be and today, I just want a break. Emma and Aiden went out with my mom and Sarah for a bit and I missed them for the hour that they were gone. It's going to be so hard when they leave. Right now, I'm on the back deck with Jude and the kids are in the pool splashing and laughing. I'm really going to miss that laughter.

So far, so good

I'm exhausted! I am having so much fun with the kids and I'm truly grateful to Micah for giving us the chance to be together again. It's been non stop since 7am, and though I'm not a morning person, I love being gently tapped by Aiden in the morning asking if they can eat breakfast now. It still amazes me at how much that kid can eat! Today was filled with fun, smiles, farts(mostly Aiden though Emma had a few good ones, and giggles. Alas, they are in bed and though I can hear them chatting away to each other, I think that pretty soon they'll pass out... I know I will!

I was watching them ride their bikes today (and thankfully, Emma hasn't had any more mishaps with the back of my dad's truck), and it dawned on me that I'm actually happy. What a strange feeling it is. I have had moments of happiness here and there, but this isn't a passing moment, this has been days of actual elation. This is the life that I used to love. Of course, it's different here and my heart aches for Jack, and the kids ask about him all the time, but I'm a real mom again. Yes, I have Jude, who is mostly routine because he's so little, and Sarah, who is old enough to be completely self sufficient, and I love them so very much and enjoy every moment with them, but now it feels as though our little family is almost complete again. It may only be for a few weeks, but as I've mentioned before, I'll take what I can get and be gracious for it.

So far, Emma and Aiden haven't mentioned Brian's name and that's such an awesome thing. I wish I could erase him from their memories... from all of our memories. I feel so guilty for the pain that it caused not only my kids and myself, but my whole family. Now that I'm on the outside looking in, I can see clearly and though I know that I can't change the past, I'm so thankful that I finally got away from him. I wish I knew what happened, why it was so easy for him to fool me. I wonder if he saw me as an easy target years ago and that's why he picked me to damage. I am damaged and I don't know that I'll ever be completely me again. I think, just as I grieved the loss of a man that I thought was "the one", I also grieve for the part of me that died so long ago. Every word, every push, shove, or altercation became a new wound that never completely heals. I know that it will take a long time to get past everything that happened, but I get frustrated because I just want to go to sleep and wake up to a normal life again. It makes me so angry to know that he took a piece of my heart as a trophy and I'll never get that back. I don't know if he'll ever admit to anyone what he's done, and honestly, I don't think he feels the slightest bit bad for the kids or for anyone. I have to believe that someday he'll get what he deserves and this table will turn.

Tomorrow I have counseling. It's been going really well, but I haven't done my assignment for this week. I'm supposed to write out what I want to say to Brian and say it in front of her. This is really uncomfortable for me and I'm sure that's why she wants me to do it. I know that it's a big step in the healing process, but for me it's too hard. I'm not ready. There's a million things that I want to say, that I want to scream, but how do I get the words out? I'm afraid of the pain that will come along with it. I'm supposed to pretend that he's there... I don't want to pretend that he's anywhere! If I have to play pretend games, why can't I just pretend that nothing happened? Maybe in this case, denial might be the right path because I've been dealing with it for so long. The kids are here and I want to stay in this state of bliss for as long as I can. I don't want to stir up those emotions and then feel that searing pain in my heart. My children deserve a happy mother, not the one that I used to be when I wore a fake smile in front of them and then broke down after they went to bed. Why do I have to do this? I guess one positive way to approach this is that I have to speak in court. Well, I don't have to, but it's my right to do so and I WANT to. Though the thought of being face to face with that man makes me panic, I want a judge to hear what I have to say. I want him to go to jail for 3 years... an even trade for the 3 years that he took away from the children and me. Maybe this assignment would be good practice for the real thing.

I try very hard not to allow myself to think about November 4th 2009. I thought that by now, it would be a blur, but as any trauma haunts it's victim for as long as allowed, this is no different. I can still see everything clearly in my mind as if it were yesterday. I remember fearing for my life as his arm wrapped tightly around my neck like a boa constrictor. If I let myself, I can still feel the air being cut off as he wrapped tightly around my neck. I can remember how I thought that it was the end, that I'd never see my children again and that this is where my body would be found, lifeless on the green carpet in front of my front door where I was trying to escape. The worst part, the part that haunts me most as I sleep, is the look of fear in Jack's eyes as they met mine while I was struggling to get loose from his father's grip. I replay it over and over in my mind when I allow it. What if I had just played it cool until I was out of his sight and then called the cops, or what if I had just been a few seconds quicker in reaching the door, or turned the key in the deadbolt quicker to run out of the house? What really disgusts me is the fact that only 8 hours prior to his arrest, I was choked in the kitchen and thrown down to the floor, threatened to have my jaw broken and my life ended. I called the police from my cell phone, and when asked if I wanted to press charges, I said "no, he just needs help". I didn't want him to go to jail because I knew that if he did, it would be the end of us. Eight hours later, at 10am, I got out alive. I could have avoided my then, 1 year old son, witnessing what he did. I could have stopped that trauma from ever happening. I'll never forgive myself for that.

I had to take a break after writing that. I went out to smoke and noticed that my hands were shaking terribly as I lit my cigarette. How am I supposed to heal when I can't even write about what happened? Sometimes, if I'm in a good mood, I can talk about some things but only if I leave some of the worst details out. I want to write a book, I want my story told so that other women can know that if I could find the strength to get out alive, they can too. But how can I do that if it's this hard to even write in a blog? No, I'll get there. I have no choice! I have to get through this, because I have to live the life that I've been given. I've tried to take the easy way out too many times and I refuse to go down like that. My kids need me... I need them! I don't want them to look at me when they're grown up and see a pathetic mess who didn't care enough about them to be strong. I want my girls especially to know that they don't EVER have to put up with what I did, and my boys WILL know that they can't do this to a woman. No, I'll be strong. I'll keep pushing myself through this no matter how hard it gets. Yes, there are bad days, and when I say bad, I mean BAD, but with the bad comes the good. Maybe the good days don't come as often as I'd like, but it's only been 8 months now. I've suffered for almost 4 years, 8 months isn't long at all.

Somebody pinch me!

It seems so surreal that as I'm typing this entry, I have 3 children sound asleep downstairs. I thought that this day would never come and here it is. It's such a mixed bag of emotions. I'm thrilled to be with them, and already sad that in just 3 weeks, I have to let them go again. I've missed so much and I don't want to miss a second more. They have grown into even sillier monsters and I love them so much! It pisses me off that when I should be on cloud nine, someone is here to make sure that I can't enjoy every bit of it. I'll never understand why there are people in this world that work so hard to make sure they make as many people as miserable as possible. How sad of a life that must be.

It was good to see Micah. My ex-husband and I haven't always gotten along so well. It was great to hang out last night and today and I was surprised when I actually wanted him to stay another day. Hopefully, we're working on a friendship because it's long overdue and our children deserve the very best out of a shitty situation. It seems as though he's trying really hard to change his past behavior and it was nice to get a hug before he left. I hope that it continues to get better. He's a good man that did the best thing for our kids. I didn't see it at the time because Brian was causing so much chaos and making me crazy, but Micah did the right thing and someday the kids will understand how lucky they were to get away from Brian when they did. I wish I could say the same for Jack and I, but I can't change that now. I'm looking forward to the future and I think that just maybe things will work out.

It's strange to me because the last time Emma, Aiden, and I were together here was in June 2008. Jack was only 5 months old when we decided to make the trip to visit. Brian was once again in the psych ward at Bethesda (during which he managed to screw another psych patient name Margaret) so the little ones and I got away from the mess for a week. That seems so long ago now. It hurts a little when I think about it because we lived together then. When I left, I took them with me, but this time it will be them leaving and I have to stay. I pray that things go quickly in Jude's case because I really need to leave this house. It's not healthy for me here and I can't see too much progress happening in these conditions. The mental bullshit is overwhelming and I've had enough of that in my life. I'm doing okay right now and I will try my best to keep pushing forward. I have a strong support system and that's something that no one can take away.

I would love to pour my heart out right now and say everything that I'm thinking, but God forbid I say something that might offend any "family" member that may read this. God knows they could care less about anything I go through or have to say, their only real concern is making me look bad or talking shit behind my back. If that's the case... you can fuck off. I've made it this long without you in my life, I won't start now. My close friends know what I feel and they're the ones that matter.

So now, I'm off to bed... on a Saturday night... at 10:30. That's fine with me. I'm almost 30 and though my life is FAR from what I thought it would be at this age, I have ALMOST everything that I want right now. The only missing piece is Jack and someday, come hell or high water, we will be together again. Goodnight, little angel.

A sigh of relief

I shouldn't still be awake at 1am. I can't keep staying up late every night, but sometimes it helps to thoroughly exhaust myself to avoid nightmares. Tonight, I'm just excited. Emma, Aiden, and Micah should be here around 10 tomorrow morning. I haven't seen them since November, just 2 days after Brian was arrested. It's amazing to me how quickly that time has gone by. I managed to make it through a pregnancy since then and Jude is now 11 weeks old. It's funny how slow my day to day life seems and then when I really look at it, I realize that life is flying by in the blink of an eye. I can only imagine how big the kids will seem to me when I see them, though in my mind, they're still my babies.

It seems like only yesterday that Sarah was born. I've lived a lot and I've made a lot of mistakes, but my children are my biggest accomplishments. No, it's not hard to have a ton of kids... the act of creating them is the easiest thing a person can do, but it IS hard to have children that are so well behaved and intelligent. In today's society, I often frown on the behavior of most children. It truly is the reflection of the parents and I'm thankful to see how polite and generous my babies are. They're kids, they fight, have tempers... the usual kid stuff, but they're amazing and I've always been complimented on them. They really are the biggest blessings.

I was thankful today that I didn't have to see Brian as Jude and I showed up for the paternity test. My stomach was in knots all morning thinking that he might actually be responsible and show up. I couldn't imagine how terrifying it would be to have to see his smug, asshole face. I detest him more than anything. But he wasn't there and today was a good day. Tomorrow, well later today that is, will be a good day too! I know that chaos is just around the corner, but it's a welcomed chaos! I can't wait to feel those tiny arms wrap around my neck and feel the sweet kisses on my cheeks. I plan to spend the next 3 weeks breathing my babies in and cherishing every moment. I wish that I could be a full time mom to all of them again, but right now I will take what I can get and be grateful.

Alejandro

"She's not broken, she's just a baby...",that stupid song is stuck in my head and God help me... I actually like it. Well, another day gone, I made it, and to be honest it wasn't half bad. Maybe I'm done with being stuck in another rut for this week. I know that it hasn't been that long and things aren't fantastic in my life, so I'll give myself the appropriate time to grieve instead of beating myself up for my depression. If you can't handle my mood swings, then you probably don't belong in my life at this point in time. Simple as that. I spent too long thinking that I should be over this crap, but in reality, November wasn't that long ago and I am really learning a new way to live life. When it rains it pours, right? This isn't the first time that I've been bombarded with one horrible thing after the next and I've always made it through those times. Maybe I'll actually get through these... or maybe I won't, but I won't know unless I keep pushing through the shitty days.

My babies will be here Friday morning. I wish that Jack could be here too, but my father made me face the hard reality that I may have to start to let him go. Maybe just for now, or maybe forever. The thought in itself makes fire run through my veins. He started his life in my body, and I love him so deeply to the core of my being that it kills me to think that those bastards can keep him away, possibly until he's 18. I still wake up and can't believe that this is my life. It's hard not to blame myself, because even though people say it's not my fault, honestly I have to own at least some of the blame. I didn't get us away soon enough and my children and I have paid the price. I know that for the most part, Emma and Aiden are well taken care of. Their dad does the best that he can to be a good parent (aside from his "Once a Marine, Always a Marine" mindset), but Jack is not safe with the Powers. They are an evil and destructive family. Brian learned his abusive behavior as a child... and he was raised by the very man that was given custody of my son.

The system is so fucked up. They didn't want to hear anything that I had to say. Hopefully this time around will be different but I have my doubts on that. The first social worker that was involved from the time that Brian had one of his friends or family members attempt to have Jude taken from me when he was 1 day old (if you want to know, just ask)returned my phone call today. It was the first time that I've received a return call that quickly from these people. She stated that she had called and left messages on the home phone and sent a letter... I never got messages OR a letter. My parents could attest to that fact. She refused to believe that she never called or sent said letter. WHAT... THE... HELL??? Are they really that ridiculous? Must it always be my word against theirs? Is it really that hard for a so-called "professional" to admit that THEY didn't do something they were supposed to do? It's deja vu and I refuse to let this shit happen again. I won't allow another child to slip through my grasp because of an agency's negligence! They've officially pissed me off and that's generally not a good idea. I'm a sweetheart unless it comes to my kids or myself being put in harm's way.

So I'm on a mission. I have no idea how I'm supposed to bring this "system" down, but if it's the last thing I do, it WILL happen. These laws are pathetic, and removing children from a mother or father that has been abused doesn't make the situation any safer. Most of the cases that stem from abuse don't involve the mother as being the abuser. It's usually cases like mine where I was abused and the children witnessed little of what happened. In no way am I saying that child services serves no purpose and I'm also not saying that it's not in a child's best interest to remove them from any home where abuse is taking place... but taking them from an abused mother and then keeping them in a system that just shuffles them around for months or even years, only does more damage to that mother and child(ren). I could go on and on and give a million examples and reasons for my thought process on this, but it's late and I'll have to pick this back up tomorrow. But before I hop off of my soapbox, I will say that there is a purpose to what I have been through. The laws have to change, they have to actually start to protect rather than destroy. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I have little time in this life, and this is high priority for me.