I wonder what it's like to be "normal". I don't know what it's like to wake up and go through out your day not thinking about things that hurt. It would be so liberating to be one of those people that isn't insecure and doesn't let hurtful words or actions bother them. I wish I could be like that.
I wish that I could make it through one day where I don't remember what happened, and think of all the nasty things that have been said and done to me. I've got to get past this shit or it will eat me alive. I love my husband more than life and I can't keep letting the past eat away at me day in and day out. How much can he stand before he decides it's not worth it? No, my marriage isn't failing, in fact I think we're stronger than ever now and that's after a few things that did hurt me. The important this is that he loves me for who I am, not who he hopes that I'll become. He knows my flaws and my fears and yet he accepts them and helps me through every bad moment that I come across. Maybe that's why I worry so much... I'm not used to this at all. I can't remember ever being in love with someone so wonderful.
My insecurities are a pain in the ass, even to me. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and not seeing what I want to see. I find myself often thinking how unfair it is that I wasn't born beautiful like other women. I'm short, I've got a big nose and fat face. I've got these tree trunks for legs and after the kids, my stomach will never look like how I want it to no matter what I do. I see 13 year old girls with bigger boobs than I'll ever have, including during all of my pregnancies. I feel inadequate. I think about how skinny I was before I got pregnant with Jude, and then I think about how huge I still felt when I looked in the mirror then. It's never ending and I'm sick of it.
Depression is a bitch. No matter what I do, I can't win. I feel disgusting, but since I don't sleep well, I'm always too tired to work out. When I actually do have the energy to work out, I don't have the time, and this only depresses me more because I realize that I'm the only one that can change my weight. I see the women on my husband's facebook page and my heart sinks. They're all so much prettier and skinnier than me, than I'll ever be... how can he love me? I'm not putting my marital business out there... but I'm afraid from the past and I don't think I'm good enough or at least pretty enough. My husband is a typical man... and I'm afraid that someday, someone much better looking will come along, and well... you know how the story goes. Brian cheated so much.
Is that where this inferiority complex stems from? I'm to the point where if I could afford it, I'd have so many surgeries to fix what I hate, but I think that the problem is deeper than cosmetic. I've been trained to hate everything about myself.
So where is this all coming from tonight? I finally had both the time AND the energy to work out. It wasn't anything strenuous, mostly yoga which is something that I used to love to do and did it religiously. It's supposed to calm the mind and body but tonight it didn't work. I want to be me again, but the thing is, I don't know who I am. I guess at 30, I should have a tiny clue, but I don't. I know who I want to be, but I'll never be that. This is my life after the hell that I've lived through. This is what I do... I psychoanalyze myself until I just call myself nuts and call it a night.
The bottom line is that I just want to be the best mother, the best wife, the best everything that I can be. I know in my heart that my body has nothing to do with that, but when I look at pictures I see someone better than this. Reality would prove that I'm much better now because I am stronger (believe it or not), but my body image has always been and I fear, will always be a struggle. Tomorrow starts a new routine, complete with pills to help out. Here's to hoping my heart doesn't explode from Dexatrim and the hell that I'm going to push myself through for the next few months.
When it all comes down to it I need to stop bitching and start taking control. For far too long others have controlled my life, but this is my time. I have a husband that loves me unconditionally and that respects me rather than tris to control me. With him, I think I can do anything that I set my mind to. Here's to hoping...
hit counter
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Broken down but not broken
It's been hard lately. If you know me, then you know that I will often put on a smile so that people think I'm ok just so I don't have to deal with confronting what's really hurting me. Only here do I feel that I can be open because I don't have to look anyone in the eyes and feel their judgement or their pity. I loathe pity.
Christmas has come and gone, and a new year has arrived. I've been close to numb since Thanksgiving. This new year will be different. A lot of wonderful changes are coming, and sometimes I get scared, but I'm letting the fear go because my life is different now. There isn't anything or anyone that can hurt me anymore. I've fallen to the bottom, touched the depths of darkness, and I've sprung back up to the world. This place is terrifying after losing everything, but I realize that I can only go up from here.
Today was a milestone for me. I finished my last domestic violence education class. In the beginning I was so pissed that I had to attend because I believed that it couldn't help. I didn't want to sit in a room with other abused women and hear the sob stories because I was trying to run away from it. I thought that if I dealt with it on my own, I would surely overcome my obstacles much easier that bringing it to the surface every week. The reality of it is that those women became inspirations to me. We inspired one another. For the first time in several years, I didn't feel alone. For an hour every Tuesday, I was part of group that was searching for answers, and longing to heal. We all felt weak because we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable and abused, but we learned how strong we really were because not only had we gotten away, but we were taking the steps to move beyond abuse and experience life. I can't explain what a gift it has been to share my story with these women and to be a part of their transition.
Travis and I have come a long way. I can't imagine life without him in it. It's been a long journey and though a year ago I knew in my heart that I would marry him one day, I certainly didn't make it easy for him to stick it out. I thank God for the day that he put Travis in my life. I married my best friend that has been with me through all of this chaos. He was there before Jude was born, and calls that sweet little angel his son. He is such a wonderful husband and father and it's amazing to me because I didn't know men like him existed.
Next month we will be joining him in MD. A new life, a new start. I'm finally going to be able to be with Emma and Aiden on a permanent basis and back with the friends that have known me (the real me, not the high school me), for so long. We're all one big family and that's so important to be back where I feel like I belong. I am so blessed.
Christmas has come and gone, and a new year has arrived. I've been close to numb since Thanksgiving. This new year will be different. A lot of wonderful changes are coming, and sometimes I get scared, but I'm letting the fear go because my life is different now. There isn't anything or anyone that can hurt me anymore. I've fallen to the bottom, touched the depths of darkness, and I've sprung back up to the world. This place is terrifying after losing everything, but I realize that I can only go up from here.
Today was a milestone for me. I finished my last domestic violence education class. In the beginning I was so pissed that I had to attend because I believed that it couldn't help. I didn't want to sit in a room with other abused women and hear the sob stories because I was trying to run away from it. I thought that if I dealt with it on my own, I would surely overcome my obstacles much easier that bringing it to the surface every week. The reality of it is that those women became inspirations to me. We inspired one another. For the first time in several years, I didn't feel alone. For an hour every Tuesday, I was part of group that was searching for answers, and longing to heal. We all felt weak because we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable and abused, but we learned how strong we really were because not only had we gotten away, but we were taking the steps to move beyond abuse and experience life. I can't explain what a gift it has been to share my story with these women and to be a part of their transition.
Travis and I have come a long way. I can't imagine life without him in it. It's been a long journey and though a year ago I knew in my heart that I would marry him one day, I certainly didn't make it easy for him to stick it out. I thank God for the day that he put Travis in my life. I married my best friend that has been with me through all of this chaos. He was there before Jude was born, and calls that sweet little angel his son. He is such a wonderful husband and father and it's amazing to me because I didn't know men like him existed.
Next month we will be joining him in MD. A new life, a new start. I'm finally going to be able to be with Emma and Aiden on a permanent basis and back with the friends that have known me (the real me, not the high school me), for so long. We're all one big family and that's so important to be back where I feel like I belong. I am so blessed.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Fuck all of it
All I can do is cry because the pain is overwhelming and write to keep from doing something really stupid. At first, when I lost Emma and Aiden, I couldn't imagine a pain greater than that. Brian had been cheating on me with a 19 year old girl named Season, that he had met at Bethesda. I found out and was devastated, just like always, and he managed to sneak his way back into our home in Fredericksburg, VA... and back into our bed. For the night, I felt like he loved me again. He begged for my forgiveness and swore he loved me and Jack more than life itself.
The next day, Sunday morning, I got a call from Micah telling me that I wouldn't be getting Emma and Aiden back. I was infuriated. I didn't know what to do, but I knew that I couldn't live without my kids and I tried everything to get them home. Given our custody agreement at that time, there was nothing that I could do outside of a courtroom. Devastation flooded my soul. And there was Brian, telling me that he was going to be there for me, to help me through this and that we would fight for them. I took him back to Bethesda that night, and he cheated on me with another woman the next day.
It was just Jack and I then. I had to somehow function enough to take care of my 6 month old baby, while grieving for the 3 and 4 year old son and daughter that their father wouldn't let me see. I promise you that the pain, that wound, has never healed... not even a little. As I type, I'm crying and still grieving for them and for the stupid decisions that I made to forgive Brian and continue to let him do the damage that he did.
It wasn't long after I lost Emma and Aiden, that I found out about the next affair. Every time, it cut like a knife in a fresh spot where scar tissue hadn't formed from the previous affairs. He had no interest in seeing Jack, only in living it up and sleeping around. I was fading fast as his lies were taking a toll on me. I look back now and I can't fathom how I managed to stay alive. As always, he convinced me to forgive him, and allow him back into our bed... but this time, he gave me a hand written apology that promised he would change. I was reluctant for the first time since the cheating began, but I caved and he came back.
It was two days later that I would lose Jack. I gave Brian what he wanted from me and things were fine when I took him back to Bethesda. Monday morning, through a text message, he said he didn't want me anymore. I remember the sting as my knees hit the hardwood kitchen floor. I can still hear the cries that felt as though I would die if I couldn't stop. The panic flooded me and I wanted to take my life right then and there. I wish I could go back and tell myself not to leave the house. I should have just grabbed Jack and sang to him and remembered that he and I would be ok... but I just kept thinking that I needed to get help. I didn't want to kill myself, I didn't want to take myself away from the children, for them to grow up without a mother.
I learned a valuable lesson that day that has stuck with me. Sometimes, you can't trust anyone. I thought that going to a hospital to talk to someone was the right thing to do for my kids, but they took Jack from me because I was having a nervous breakdown. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I feel the same tonight.
I can't cry hard enough to soothe my soul from the aching of missing my baby boy. I'm sick of people asking me what happened to my kids. Fuck you if you think it's any of your damn business. Fuck you if you judge me. Fuck you if you take Brian's side. And fuck Brian and his family for what they're doing. Fuck this country and the way they handle domestic abuse cases. Fuck men that cheat, lie, and abuse. Fuck you for taking me for granted and putting me through hell after all I've been through. I'm so broken hearted and there's nothing I can do to ease the pain. I feel like I'm being stabbed and punched and spun around. I can't catch my breath, my head hearts, and my heart literally aches in my chest. I haven't showered or changed my clothes today, I didn't even brush my teeth. I can't eat, I can't sleep because I can't stop crying. And this blog, this is my only friend right now. I don't trust anyone. How dare you message me and ask me why I don't have my kids?! Who do you think you are? Would you be offended if I had asked you how your daughter died at such a young age? How can someone be so stupid and inconsiderate?
The next day, Sunday morning, I got a call from Micah telling me that I wouldn't be getting Emma and Aiden back. I was infuriated. I didn't know what to do, but I knew that I couldn't live without my kids and I tried everything to get them home. Given our custody agreement at that time, there was nothing that I could do outside of a courtroom. Devastation flooded my soul. And there was Brian, telling me that he was going to be there for me, to help me through this and that we would fight for them. I took him back to Bethesda that night, and he cheated on me with another woman the next day.
It was just Jack and I then. I had to somehow function enough to take care of my 6 month old baby, while grieving for the 3 and 4 year old son and daughter that their father wouldn't let me see. I promise you that the pain, that wound, has never healed... not even a little. As I type, I'm crying and still grieving for them and for the stupid decisions that I made to forgive Brian and continue to let him do the damage that he did.
It wasn't long after I lost Emma and Aiden, that I found out about the next affair. Every time, it cut like a knife in a fresh spot where scar tissue hadn't formed from the previous affairs. He had no interest in seeing Jack, only in living it up and sleeping around. I was fading fast as his lies were taking a toll on me. I look back now and I can't fathom how I managed to stay alive. As always, he convinced me to forgive him, and allow him back into our bed... but this time, he gave me a hand written apology that promised he would change. I was reluctant for the first time since the cheating began, but I caved and he came back.
It was two days later that I would lose Jack. I gave Brian what he wanted from me and things were fine when I took him back to Bethesda. Monday morning, through a text message, he said he didn't want me anymore. I remember the sting as my knees hit the hardwood kitchen floor. I can still hear the cries that felt as though I would die if I couldn't stop. The panic flooded me and I wanted to take my life right then and there. I wish I could go back and tell myself not to leave the house. I should have just grabbed Jack and sang to him and remembered that he and I would be ok... but I just kept thinking that I needed to get help. I didn't want to kill myself, I didn't want to take myself away from the children, for them to grow up without a mother.
I learned a valuable lesson that day that has stuck with me. Sometimes, you can't trust anyone. I thought that going to a hospital to talk to someone was the right thing to do for my kids, but they took Jack from me because I was having a nervous breakdown. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I feel the same tonight.
I can't cry hard enough to soothe my soul from the aching of missing my baby boy. I'm sick of people asking me what happened to my kids. Fuck you if you think it's any of your damn business. Fuck you if you judge me. Fuck you if you take Brian's side. And fuck Brian and his family for what they're doing. Fuck this country and the way they handle domestic abuse cases. Fuck men that cheat, lie, and abuse. Fuck you for taking me for granted and putting me through hell after all I've been through. I'm so broken hearted and there's nothing I can do to ease the pain. I feel like I'm being stabbed and punched and spun around. I can't catch my breath, my head hearts, and my heart literally aches in my chest. I haven't showered or changed my clothes today, I didn't even brush my teeth. I can't eat, I can't sleep because I can't stop crying. And this blog, this is my only friend right now. I don't trust anyone. How dare you message me and ask me why I don't have my kids?! Who do you think you are? Would you be offended if I had asked you how your daughter died at such a young age? How can someone be so stupid and inconsiderate?
It aches
To my dear Jack,
Today you turned 3 years old. I was there with you all day, I hope you felt my presence. I remember the day you were born and my heart is so sad because it misses you everyday. I am so sorry that I can't be there. It isn't because I choose not to be, but because you're being held from me. I wish I could tell you how badly it hurts to not see your face or hear your voice, but there aren't words strong enough to describe it.
I keep your picture on my dresser so that everyday when I wake up, I can see you just like I did when you were a baby. I'll never forget walking into your room in the morning and seeing your big smile and those beautiful blue eyes light up because mommy was coming to get you. Please remember me.
I'm sorry for all the things that you've gone through in your 3 years. I never imagined that this kind of pain could happen to us. I never thought that there would be a day that I wouldn't have you and your brother and sister by my side. We were supposed to be there for each other and I let you all down. We all miss you so much and I hope that you remember how loved you are and that you have a big family here that's waiting for you.
Your baby brother, Jude, looks just like you. Sometimes it's hard to look at him because I see your face too. He is sweet just like you when you were a baby. Very happy and very full of life. I tell him about you all the time and today we sang happy birthday to you. I know you couldn't hear us, but someday I pray that I'll be able to sing to you again. Do you remember all of our songs? I'll never forget how we used to cuddle and I'd sing until you fell asleep.
I wish that it were different. I don't understand why this had to happen. I am afraid that you'll think I don't love you and that I left you. My sweet angel, I would never leave you and I will never stop loving you. My heart hurts so much without you, but I keep hope that they won't be able to keep you away from me forever. Someday, I will hold your hand again and tell you the truth. I hope that you can feel me in your heart. I don't know that you remember my face, but maybe something inside of you remembers that you have a mommy and she loves you so very much.
My son, I wish that I could tell you this myself, but my letters will live on even if I don't and by the grace of God, you will read my words someday and you know who I was. I should have fought harder, but this world makes it easy to feel beaten down. There are so many people that love you and will never forget you. They keep me strong and I don't know how I would have made it this far without you, if I didn't have them in my life. We all love you so much. I hope you've had the best birthday that a little man can have, and I wish for many more. Look to the sky and count the stars that God has given us. Never take anything for granted. Know that when you sleep, mommy is there in your heart and you are in mine. I love you, Jack.
Love,
Mommy
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Viva Revolution
I found this in my sent box. I'm proud of myself for having the balls to say this to him. I didn't take a stand for Jack, but I sure as hell wasn't going to make the same mistake for Jude.
Kristin Itnyre February 8, 2010 at 1:05am
I don't know why tonight is so hard. Most of the time, I'm fine, but then sometimes, I sit and feel so sorry for the little boy that kicks my ribs and hiccups a million times a day. I don't care who you show this to, because the truth is, none of them matter in my life now and never will. They believe your lies and that's something that only you will have to deal with in the future... not me, not ever again. It's not often that I think of you or wonder how you're doing, but on occasion I do still get sad at the thought that you probably never think about the baby that will be here in 8 weeks. I don't understand it, Brian. I don't know how you can walk around with the weight of your conscience. I miss my kids everyday to the point where it's hard to breathe at times, and yet, you're able to look at yourself in the mirror and carry on like you haven't done anything wrong. I used to feel sorry for you, and at times I'm angry that I no longer feel that compassion for someone that I feared I would never be able to stop loving. Does that mean that I'm becoming cold? I don't ever want to become that. I'm terrified that Jude will look anything like you. I love him so much already, but what if someday I look into his eyes and see yours? I don't know how I'll ever be able to explain all of this to him. Some days I get so angry at you that I feel like my head will explode. Most of the time, I can shrug off the fact that you don't care and that you really don't matter, but tonight, that anger is in full force as I try to settle down but can't because my son is trying to punch through my diaphragm. I have nightmares. It's your face I see, your eyes turning black when you're coming after me. When is life going to be normal? When does the anger stop and the forgiveness start? I'm so mad that while I'm here, pregnant and alone, you're living life like nothing matters. You've placed all the blame on me, you've made a fool out of me, and made fun of me. You've allowed your sons to become victims of a deadbeat father. You've made comments about the fact that I don't have my children, well Brian, where the fuck are you? Which one of your kids are you going to pay child support for or teach how to ride a bike, or to play baseball? When are you going to give up your act and be a man? While you spend your "disability" check on bullshit, have you even stopped to realize that Jude has nothing? Last week, I had to spend a few days in labor and delivery because I had a severe kidney infection. It wasn't a big deal, really. I spent a few days on IV antibiotics and fluids, and the baby was fine through all of it. He's a darling little shit, that even though he has no room in there, always manages to run away from the monitors. We made it through just fine. The sad part was having to be on labor and delivery, in a birthing room for a few days and realizing that when the time does come, you'll never know. No one will call you because you wouldn't want to know anyway. When he takes his first breath, he'll do so without a father. That makes me angry. What's the point to all of this? You're two faced so I'm sure that your whole family will know I wrote this, and you're trying to protect your lies, so I'm sure you'll show this to the scumbag lawyer that has to try and prove that you're a good person, just a veteran gone wrong. You and I, Brian, we know the truth. Whatever demons you battle, I'm sorry. If there had been a magic wand, I would've used it years ago. I made my mistakes. I didn't forgive when I could have, I didn't let go when I should have. I didn't trust you, but I loved you. If nothing else, I can take those lessons learned and use them in the future. I can be happy, and I'm getting there. I've moved on just like I told you I would. I didn't think it would be possible. The thought of never having you around, even though most of the time it was a nightmare, scared the shit out of me. Now, I'm thankful for all the little things that I have in life. I hope someday, someone helps you see those little things as well. Life isn't a party. You can't keep hurting people and not suffering the consequences. I still pray for you on occasion, but I'm proud to say that it's no longer for you to come back. Now when I think to, I pray for you to have an honest heart, for you to stay away from the pills and the booze, the crazy people, and the sluts, and to find the father in you. I'm strong now, stronger than I ever thought I could be, way stronger than you thought I could ever be. Your words still ring in my head, and they probably always will, but I work through it everyday. Just because you hated me, doesn't mean that everyone does and just because you didn't want me or the kids, or the responsibility, doesn't mean that other men wouldn't. I wash my hand of it. I've turned your court case over to the hands of God. His will be done and I can't do anything about it. Take care, Brian.
Kristin Itnyre February 8, 2010 at 1:05am
I don't know why tonight is so hard. Most of the time, I'm fine, but then sometimes, I sit and feel so sorry for the little boy that kicks my ribs and hiccups a million times a day. I don't care who you show this to, because the truth is, none of them matter in my life now and never will. They believe your lies and that's something that only you will have to deal with in the future... not me, not ever again. It's not often that I think of you or wonder how you're doing, but on occasion I do still get sad at the thought that you probably never think about the baby that will be here in 8 weeks. I don't understand it, Brian. I don't know how you can walk around with the weight of your conscience. I miss my kids everyday to the point where it's hard to breathe at times, and yet, you're able to look at yourself in the mirror and carry on like you haven't done anything wrong. I used to feel sorry for you, and at times I'm angry that I no longer feel that compassion for someone that I feared I would never be able to stop loving. Does that mean that I'm becoming cold? I don't ever want to become that. I'm terrified that Jude will look anything like you. I love him so much already, but what if someday I look into his eyes and see yours? I don't know how I'll ever be able to explain all of this to him. Some days I get so angry at you that I feel like my head will explode. Most of the time, I can shrug off the fact that you don't care and that you really don't matter, but tonight, that anger is in full force as I try to settle down but can't because my son is trying to punch through my diaphragm. I have nightmares. It's your face I see, your eyes turning black when you're coming after me. When is life going to be normal? When does the anger stop and the forgiveness start? I'm so mad that while I'm here, pregnant and alone, you're living life like nothing matters. You've placed all the blame on me, you've made a fool out of me, and made fun of me. You've allowed your sons to become victims of a deadbeat father. You've made comments about the fact that I don't have my children, well Brian, where the fuck are you? Which one of your kids are you going to pay child support for or teach how to ride a bike, or to play baseball? When are you going to give up your act and be a man? While you spend your "disability" check on bullshit, have you even stopped to realize that Jude has nothing? Last week, I had to spend a few days in labor and delivery because I had a severe kidney infection. It wasn't a big deal, really. I spent a few days on IV antibiotics and fluids, and the baby was fine through all of it. He's a darling little shit, that even though he has no room in there, always manages to run away from the monitors. We made it through just fine. The sad part was having to be on labor and delivery, in a birthing room for a few days and realizing that when the time does come, you'll never know. No one will call you because you wouldn't want to know anyway. When he takes his first breath, he'll do so without a father. That makes me angry. What's the point to all of this? You're two faced so I'm sure that your whole family will know I wrote this, and you're trying to protect your lies, so I'm sure you'll show this to the scumbag lawyer that has to try and prove that you're a good person, just a veteran gone wrong. You and I, Brian, we know the truth. Whatever demons you battle, I'm sorry. If there had been a magic wand, I would've used it years ago. I made my mistakes. I didn't forgive when I could have, I didn't let go when I should have. I didn't trust you, but I loved you. If nothing else, I can take those lessons learned and use them in the future. I can be happy, and I'm getting there. I've moved on just like I told you I would. I didn't think it would be possible. The thought of never having you around, even though most of the time it was a nightmare, scared the shit out of me. Now, I'm thankful for all the little things that I have in life. I hope someday, someone helps you see those little things as well. Life isn't a party. You can't keep hurting people and not suffering the consequences. I still pray for you on occasion, but I'm proud to say that it's no longer for you to come back. Now when I think to, I pray for you to have an honest heart, for you to stay away from the pills and the booze, the crazy people, and the sluts, and to find the father in you. I'm strong now, stronger than I ever thought I could be, way stronger than you thought I could ever be. Your words still ring in my head, and they probably always will, but I work through it everyday. Just because you hated me, doesn't mean that everyone does and just because you didn't want me or the kids, or the responsibility, doesn't mean that other men wouldn't. I wash my hand of it. I've turned your court case over to the hands of God. His will be done and I can't do anything about it. Take care, Brian.
3 years old
Tomorrow is Jack's birthday. He's going to be 3 years old. His father will be there, his new mother, his grandparents... but I'm not allowed to even see one single picture. How is this fair? He's gone and I can't accept it. Will I ever get to see him again?
I don't even try to call or email anymore. They never pick up the phone or respond to my emails where I beg for a picture, or a few details about my son... anything. I allowed all of this to happen because I was weak. I'm never going to be weak again. I'll never allow that kind of behavior again. There's so much that's bothering me tonight. My heart aches for my son and for the rest of the children that miss him so much. I'm angry at my husband. Maybe it's time I crawl under that rock for a while.
Happy birthday, Jack Brian. I miss you everyday.
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