A Long December

I was going through the blogs from June, and it's amazing how much has changed. On October 1, 2010, I married my best friend. We've been through so much and I never gave up hope. I'm so thankful that I didn't. I want to tell him just how much I love him, but the words are so powerful that I can't seem to get them out. It's a feeling that is so beautiful and precious, I want to put it in a box and save it forever. I never want to forget how much my husband means to me and has meant to me for so long.

I'm struggling right now with Christmas only 9 days away. I used to love this time of year but now it's so painful that I ignore as much of the holiday as I can. I go through the motions because I have to, but I'd much rather hide under a rock until January 4th. Yes, I'm lucky because I get to spend Christmas with Sarah, then Jude and I will make our way to MD and VA to be with Travis, Emma, and Aiden, but I can't forget the fact that I won't get to see Jack and watch his face light up as he plays with his new toys. I didn't get to see it last Christmas either.

I haven't seen my son in almost a year. I missed his 2nd birthday, but thankfully, I got to see him a the week after. That was the last time. He will be 3 years old on January 3rd. His father, and his new mother, grandparents, people I don't even know will be allowed to celebrate Christmas and his birthday, but I'm not. I carried him in my womb, gave him life, and took care of his every need for so long, and yet, I'm not even allowed to see a picture. Words can't explain how heartbreaking this is. I think about my son night and day. Not a day goes by that I don't miss him terribly. Why did this have to happen? Time goes on and everything changes around me, but this stays the same. I know that I won't see him or hear his voice tomorrow, or the day after, or next month, next year... that's the one thing that doesn't change.

Jude is growing so quickly. I am madly in love with him, but it's hard because he looks so much like the brother that he may never be allowed to know. I have no idea how Travis and I are going to explain all of this to him. How do you tell a child that you have a brother, but you can't talk to him because your grandparents and your biological father want nothing to do with you. I'm sad for Sarah because she's old enough to understand and to miss him and feel as helpless as the rest of us because she knows there's nothing that I can do right now. And I'm even more saddened for Emma and Aiden because they remember that they have a baby brother and constantly ask when they'll see "baby Jack" again. They don't understand, they just think that he's gone away for a while. As a mother, I can't help but feel like I've let them down. I want them to be together. Even if I couldn't be in the picture, they should never have to miss out on growing up together, but because I was weak, that can never happen.

Jude is so lucky to have Travis. He's the best father that any boy could have. I hoped that he would come around and he did. I know that he loves my son, our son, more than life itself. It's so hard to be bitter when God is showing me that love is here and it's amazing. It's also difficult to be as happy and I want to be because I'm aching from such a powerful loss. I don't ever want my husband to think that he's not making me happy. He's such a positive and bright spot in my life. I can't imagine not being with him. He's never once judged me or turned his back. He's always understood my emotions and my pain. To put it simply, he's amazing.

I'm looking forward to being able to live together as a family soon. It's time to get on with this life and start this new chapter. He has faith that we will be able to see Jack someday, and that gives me hope as well. I've realized that I will always struggle with what has happened in my life. There are things that I can't forget and there is pain that I will always feel, but I never, NEVER have to worry about going through that pain again. I'm not sure why I couldn't have met Travis so much sooner, but God knows what He's doing and I'm trusting Him. I love you, Trav. I hope that you always remember how much I love you and how much I adore you. I don't know why you picked me, but I thank God for you every day.

With these scars, I thee mend

It's been a year now. I've survived the first anniversary and made it to the other side of being a victim. I now feel like I'm able to use the term "survivor" and not hesitate as the word leaves my throat. I can't explain the way it really feels to be me now.

Every Tuesday, I go to a support group, that recently has been full of women like me. At first, I felt like it was pointless to attend groups again because I felt that it was a waste of time. But I actually look forward to it now. These women are just like me, they feel alone too. We're a silent club, an organization of those who are afraid to raise our voices or draw attention. We've been mocked and told to get over it and move on. We're afraid of being alone, yet being alone is the only place where we find complete solace away from the memories that haunt us. We are members only, but would prefer to never meet a new candidate for membership. We feel helpless alone, but strong together. These women make me feel alive.

I'm learning more and more that my situation isn't unique. A lot of victims deal with the same legal and custody issues that I've dealt with. Many have been patronized by the police that were called to their home for protection. Most of the no contact and protection orders are violated, and few of the abusers actually get penalized for their violations. Though I'm very far into my healing and able to live a semi-normal life now, I still feel so helpless because of the laws that are failing society on a daily basis. I feel so small because I want to change them, and I'm learning that I'm not the only one that feels this way, but we realize that we don't stand a chance of being heard. It takes millions of voices to make change, but after being beaten for questioning anything, we're too afraid to speak up. It's a fucking never ending, vicious cycle.

I walk around every day with these thoughts in my head. At times, I felt as though I was going crazy, that no one else could be thinking these exact same things, feeling these exact same feelings. I'm thankful for the women that I've met. We need each other so that we realize we're not alone. There's nothing that I've thought, felt, said, that they haven't as well. I don't feel ashamed or stupid around them because they understand why I allowed him to come back. They know what it's like to try to leave and not be able to, they never ask the one dreaded question that the general and uneducated public asks us... "why didn't you leave sooner?"... we just listen to each other, share our stories.

We're all the same, we all have scars that will never go away and though they may heal over time, we'll always carry those scars on our hearts. I am forever changed. I will never have a normal relationship or be able to trust as deeply as I used to. I will never feel comfortable when I hear yelling, and I will always be afraid of loud noises. These are things that I have become accepting of. I am thankful to have my life in exchange for these annoyances. I'd say it's a pretty fair trade.