A Long December

I was going through the blogs from June, and it's amazing how much has changed. On October 1, 2010, I married my best friend. We've been through so much and I never gave up hope. I'm so thankful that I didn't. I want to tell him just how much I love him, but the words are so powerful that I can't seem to get them out. It's a feeling that is so beautiful and precious, I want to put it in a box and save it forever. I never want to forget how much my husband means to me and has meant to me for so long.

I'm struggling right now with Christmas only 9 days away. I used to love this time of year but now it's so painful that I ignore as much of the holiday as I can. I go through the motions because I have to, but I'd much rather hide under a rock until January 4th. Yes, I'm lucky because I get to spend Christmas with Sarah, then Jude and I will make our way to MD and VA to be with Travis, Emma, and Aiden, but I can't forget the fact that I won't get to see Jack and watch his face light up as he plays with his new toys. I didn't get to see it last Christmas either.

I haven't seen my son in almost a year. I missed his 2nd birthday, but thankfully, I got to see him a the week after. That was the last time. He will be 3 years old on January 3rd. His father, and his new mother, grandparents, people I don't even know will be allowed to celebrate Christmas and his birthday, but I'm not. I carried him in my womb, gave him life, and took care of his every need for so long, and yet, I'm not even allowed to see a picture. Words can't explain how heartbreaking this is. I think about my son night and day. Not a day goes by that I don't miss him terribly. Why did this have to happen? Time goes on and everything changes around me, but this stays the same. I know that I won't see him or hear his voice tomorrow, or the day after, or next month, next year... that's the one thing that doesn't change.

Jude is growing so quickly. I am madly in love with him, but it's hard because he looks so much like the brother that he may never be allowed to know. I have no idea how Travis and I are going to explain all of this to him. How do you tell a child that you have a brother, but you can't talk to him because your grandparents and your biological father want nothing to do with you. I'm sad for Sarah because she's old enough to understand and to miss him and feel as helpless as the rest of us because she knows there's nothing that I can do right now. And I'm even more saddened for Emma and Aiden because they remember that they have a baby brother and constantly ask when they'll see "baby Jack" again. They don't understand, they just think that he's gone away for a while. As a mother, I can't help but feel like I've let them down. I want them to be together. Even if I couldn't be in the picture, they should never have to miss out on growing up together, but because I was weak, that can never happen.

Jude is so lucky to have Travis. He's the best father that any boy could have. I hoped that he would come around and he did. I know that he loves my son, our son, more than life itself. It's so hard to be bitter when God is showing me that love is here and it's amazing. It's also difficult to be as happy and I want to be because I'm aching from such a powerful loss. I don't ever want my husband to think that he's not making me happy. He's such a positive and bright spot in my life. I can't imagine not being with him. He's never once judged me or turned his back. He's always understood my emotions and my pain. To put it simply, he's amazing.

I'm looking forward to being able to live together as a family soon. It's time to get on with this life and start this new chapter. He has faith that we will be able to see Jack someday, and that gives me hope as well. I've realized that I will always struggle with what has happened in my life. There are things that I can't forget and there is pain that I will always feel, but I never, NEVER have to worry about going through that pain again. I'm not sure why I couldn't have met Travis so much sooner, but God knows what He's doing and I'm trusting Him. I love you, Trav. I hope that you always remember how much I love you and how much I adore you. I don't know why you picked me, but I thank God for you every day.

With these scars, I thee mend

It's been a year now. I've survived the first anniversary and made it to the other side of being a victim. I now feel like I'm able to use the term "survivor" and not hesitate as the word leaves my throat. I can't explain the way it really feels to be me now.

Every Tuesday, I go to a support group, that recently has been full of women like me. At first, I felt like it was pointless to attend groups again because I felt that it was a waste of time. But I actually look forward to it now. These women are just like me, they feel alone too. We're a silent club, an organization of those who are afraid to raise our voices or draw attention. We've been mocked and told to get over it and move on. We're afraid of being alone, yet being alone is the only place where we find complete solace away from the memories that haunt us. We are members only, but would prefer to never meet a new candidate for membership. We feel helpless alone, but strong together. These women make me feel alive.

I'm learning more and more that my situation isn't unique. A lot of victims deal with the same legal and custody issues that I've dealt with. Many have been patronized by the police that were called to their home for protection. Most of the no contact and protection orders are violated, and few of the abusers actually get penalized for their violations. Though I'm very far into my healing and able to live a semi-normal life now, I still feel so helpless because of the laws that are failing society on a daily basis. I feel so small because I want to change them, and I'm learning that I'm not the only one that feels this way, but we realize that we don't stand a chance of being heard. It takes millions of voices to make change, but after being beaten for questioning anything, we're too afraid to speak up. It's a fucking never ending, vicious cycle.

I walk around every day with these thoughts in my head. At times, I felt as though I was going crazy, that no one else could be thinking these exact same things, feeling these exact same feelings. I'm thankful for the women that I've met. We need each other so that we realize we're not alone. There's nothing that I've thought, felt, said, that they haven't as well. I don't feel ashamed or stupid around them because they understand why I allowed him to come back. They know what it's like to try to leave and not be able to, they never ask the one dreaded question that the general and uneducated public asks us... "why didn't you leave sooner?"... we just listen to each other, share our stories.

We're all the same, we all have scars that will never go away and though they may heal over time, we'll always carry those scars on our hearts. I am forever changed. I will never have a normal relationship or be able to trust as deeply as I used to. I will never feel comfortable when I hear yelling, and I will always be afraid of loud noises. These are things that I have become accepting of. I am thankful to have my life in exchange for these annoyances. I'd say it's a pretty fair trade.

Halloween

I'm ok, it's going to be alright. Just another day, another sad memory, but new memories were made and that keeps me strong. It's the little things that still get to me on occasion. A year ago, I took Jack to the mall on Halloween because he was only a year old, Brian was working, and I thought that Jack was still a bit too young to do anything for the occasion. We just had a little mommy-son date night. Had I known that a year from then I wouldn't get the chance to see my little one donning a costume and begging for candy, I would have taken in every moment. Nothing is guaranteed, nothing is ever certain. It's such a small thing, but I see it now as something huge that was taken for granted. I miss him so very much.

I took that as a lesson. I feel like with Jude, I'm constantly thinking to take pictures, and absorb every second that I can so that I'm not feeling like anything is being taken for granted. I put his monkey suit on him and we walked the neighborhood with big sister, Sarah. He slept the entire time, but at least I can always look back to his first Halloween and have no regrets. I don't know what Jack did today, and I won't see any pictures. I won't hear him say "trick or treat" in the little voice that I imagine he has. This makes me very sad. So while I grieve, I treasure the blessings that I am given. Sometimes life can be so bittersweet.

Time marches on

I can't believe that time has passed so quickly. I've become the woman that I was so long ago and I can honestly say that life has gotten better than I imagined it could, just one year ago. Time marches on, and I had no choice but to march right along with it. I celebrated my 30th birthday over the weekend. I really didn't think I was going to make it to 30 and I have promised myself that this decade will be so much better than the last. I'm stronger now, I know what I want and I won't settle just to get something close to it. I didn't do anything spectacular like most people do. There wasn't a party, just time with my best friend and he gave me the best day!

It's so hard for me to grasp that Jude will be 6 months old this Saturday! It really passes in the blink of an eye and while it's sad to me that he won't be a baby for much longer, I rejoice everyday that I get to be his mother and in the absolute miracle that he's even here. I am so blessed to watch him grow and learn! Teething hasn't been much fun, but I do love when he smiles and I can see those two pearly white teeth in his mouth. God, I am so lucky!

Next month will be one year since I finally made the choice to be free. One year. So much has happened in what seems now like such a short period of time. A year ago, things were going badly and getting worse by the day. I was in a constant state of depression because I couldn't understand how the man that I loved so much, the father of the child that I was carrying, could be so hateful. I felt so small and helpless to change what had become so normal in my life. I did everything I could to make him happy, even at the cost of making myself miserable. I didn't know that I would be able to find the strength to leave and to have a baby by myself. I had no idea that soon after Jude was born, I would begin to find myself more and more. Looking back, I see how far I've come and I can't tell you how proud I am of who I am and what I stand for.

I no longer have the nightmares or carry constant anger for things that I can't change. I don't allow myself to get worked up about the unfair things that used to plague me daily. I'm lucky. I know that a lot of women deal with it for the rest of their lives, but I've managed to overcome so much in my year. I miss my Jack. I miss him everyday and I do still get frustrated because of the situation and how unfair that it, but I firmly believe that someday, my son and I will be together again. I hope that he feels me in his heart everyday, just like I feel him in mine. Things will change, as change is a constant part of life, and I will hold him in my arms and be able to tell him the truth. God sees me, my heart, and what a good mother I am. He knows what He's doing, and I know that Brian won't get away with his lies forever.

So as the anniversary rolls around, I feel like there's nothing I can't defeat. Nothing and no one will stand in my way of making my 30's years full of happiness. Somedays are still hard, but I remind myself of all of the blessings and wonderful people that I have in my life, and it just sort of drowns out the bad thoughts.

Can't sleep

It's one of those nights where I'm ridiculously tired, but I can't manage to shut my brain off so that I can actually sleep. I've been exhausted all day, I should be able to pass right out, but alas, here I am at almost 1am. I'm so happy with the way that life is going. I'm relieved to finally have a little bit of money (though not nearly enough yet) and I can pay my way through life for the first time in a long time. It's nice to feel like I have a purpose instead of waking up and wishing that I wasn't so miserable. I had a good but long night at work and it'll be nice to have the day off tomorrow so I can spend it with Sarah and Jude. Things seem to be looking up and there's only one thing that I would change if I could.

I miss Emma, Aiden, and Jack everyday, but some days it's a bit overwhelming. I feel so guilty because since I've started working, I barely get to talk to Emma and Aiden. I can either call early in the day (but they're at school), or late at night (but they're in bed). I have to try harder to fit calls into my work schedule. I miss hearing their voices even if it's for 20 seconds. I can't even describe how much I miss my Jack. I try to shrug it off and have faith that God is doing everything in His power to make sure that my son knows who I am and why I can't be there... but it's hard to remember that I'm not in control. It infuriates me that Brian and his dad think it's ok to keep me from my son. Why would anyone want to do that? What did I ever do to Jack? I'm still floored that this is how it turned out. Keith Powers claims to be a christian, but doesn't he ever worry about what he's going to tell God on his judgment day? What excuse will he be able to give to the Lord to make all of this pain and suffering justifiable? That child is my flesh and blood, a huge part of ME... I carried him in my body and took care of him when the grandfather and father that claim to love him so much, walked away. I just don't understand this and it breaks my heart that for now, I have to accept this and move on. I don't want to let go, no one should ever let go of a child. Prayers for rectification of this terrible situation are greatly appreciated. You all know me, you know that I'm a good mother. Many of you have seen me time and time again with my children and you know that I would never harm them.

I just needed to get that out of my head I suppose. Maybe now I've cleared my mind enough to finally fall asleep. I can hear my little one sucking his thumb in his crib next to me and I must say that his peaceful slumber is helping me relax. Though some things are still hard to get through, I do it and I will continue to do it because I refuse to let anyone tear me down ever again. I'm a mother, and that's never going to change. Things aren't fair, but we aren't the ones that have control of that. I've just got to remain positive and keep living an honest life. "Good things come to those that wait", and Lord, I have all the time that you want to give me. Goodnight moon.

So THIS is what happiness feels like!

I've been reading through some of my old posts and I can't believe how much my attitude and my life have changed! I did this on my own, I had the strength in me all along to become the person that I was before Brian, before my life fell apart and I'M BACK! I knew that in time I would get here, but I wasn't sure that I would be able to really recover from the past four years. It's amazing to me to look back and see this complete 180.

I was out running errands with Jude today and as he was babbling in the backseat, it dawned on me how truly blessed I am. I feel sheepish that it's taken me so long to see it so clearly. I'm still living with the parents, but given a few minor arguments, we're relating to one another much better these days. I know they're just as happy as I am about my job. This is the first time that I can honestly say that I'm happy to go to work everyday. I get along well with my coworkers and I feel like I'm a part of something again. Brian's voice no longer echos in my head telling me that I'm worthless and no one will ever want to be around me. I don't have to act like someone I'm not, these people actually like all my quirks.

It's been a long time since I've felt this sense of accomplishment. Being a single mom is hard and I've done it without complaint because I'm so lucky to be a mother, but I'll finally be able to support my son and I and help with all of my little angels. I feel so guilty about whining to God constantly. I've been so angry with Him because it seemed like things were never going to get any better, but here I sit and I realize that He did all of this, I just needed to be patient. I can't even remember the depression anymore and it feels like the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. To put it simply, I love my life and I don't want to waste any more time feeling sorry for myself.

It's been a while...

A lot has happened since my last blog, some good, some bad... but life goes on and I've still got some time on this planet and I plan to make it a life worth living. This will no longer be a blog about dealing with domestic violence. I feel like I can finally say that I've moved on and though I may never fully heal, I've got a clear mind and am ready to leave it in the past and never look back. Brian's sentencing was a few weeks ago. I was asked to appear in court or at least write a letter to the judge to be read aloud in court. I respectfully declined. I feel no need to hold on to the pain that Brian caused. It happened, I'll never get to relive the years that I lost because of him, but I also don't have to allow his actions to dictate the way that I live my life from now on. I feel that though the court let the children and I down, God won't. He will make sure that Brian pays one way or another for the things that he's done. I'd put money on the fact that his days are numbered in his happy little life. Either way, I just don't care about it anymore. Not making any sort of statement was my way of finally letting go. It was easier than I thought.

I finally got a job so I spend most of my time working and I've got to say that I feel so accomplished in doing so. I don't make much money, and I'm still stressed about being able to afford to move, but it's a step in the right direction and I really couldn't be happier. It's taken me a long time to feel this good about myself again, but I'm so proud of myself for letting go of so much! No longer do I hear his voice echoing in my head telling me how worthless and pathetic I am.

It's late and I need to get to bed soon. See ya on the flipside!

Full Circle

I can't sleep. I'm tired, and I should be passed out, but once again, there's too much running through my head and maybe if I get it out I'll be able to drift off. I've come to the conclusion that I have to let go. I can't hold onto the shit that I've been through anymore and I absolutely can't continue to use it as an excuse to live the way I have been. This depression will never ease up if I can't move on. The crap that Brian did was traumatic. I won't deny that I'll have to deal with it for the rest of my life, however, it's over now. I got what I wanted and that was a life without him in it. I can never erase the memories of what he's done and I can never change that part of my life, but I can learn from it, overcome it, and actually live. That's something that I haven't allowed myself to do. There is a lot of guilt and that's something that I may have to deal with for a while still, but it will ease up. I'm in counseling and I have a job. Things are looking up.

I realized today that I've been so destructive to myself and the ones that I love. I have been a terrible friend because I've pushed everyone away. I do have abandonment issues that I finally saw clearly for the first time today. I had a best friend that I love with all of my heart, and I've (hopefully temporarily) done damage because I've spent so long pushing him away that he finally had enough of my shit. The sad thing is that it's taken me this long and gotten to this point that I can see what I've been doing to him for months. I've put the blame on him, where it should be mostly placed on myself. I have to let go of the fear that everyone will leave. It's so unhealthy and if I keep it up, I'll never have what I really want. Call me crazy (actually don't) but someday, I really want to get married again. I loved being a wife, it made me feel like I was part of something wonderful... except for the whole abuse thing. I'll never have any real relationship again if I live in fear of loving someone and them leaving. Not everyone is out to hurt me. That asshole really did a number on me, but I don't have to continue to let his words and his actions dictate how I live or what I feel.

I'm not sure if this makes sense to anyone other than me. I know what I'm trying to say, but I don't know if it's coming across clearly. For the first time in a long time, I really feel like things are working out in my favor. I may have pushed away someone that I love, but in doing so, I've learned a lot about myself and what I have to change. I'm thankful that I have counseling so that I'm able to work through my issues. I've got time on my side and I can see a future. I finally have a job and I actually look forward to being there. It's the first time in years that I feel like I'm actually accomplishing something which in turn, makes me feel that I have self worth. I'm able to see Emma and Aiden again, and I have a fantastic relationship with their dad and I never thought he'd forgive me for the mess I'd made. I am so thankful for him and I hope that someday I can show him that. I wake up to my baby boy and my beautiful daughter... yeah, life is good. In my cloud of depression, I've failed to see how much I have to be thankful for. It's a good feeling.

I've wasted so much time on this crap that I've been sorting through. It seems like just yesterday that Jude was born, and it's hard to believe that he's already 4 months old. Summer has come and gone and fall is just around the corner. I feel like I've been living in a dark room and life has sped by without me being involved. I don't want to lose any more time on this. I'm ready to give it up. There are still days when I get really angry about the past, but there's nothing I can do to change it. I will get that friendship back and it will be better than before because now I understand what I've done wrong. I know that the love will be there because luckily, God has placed very understanding and forgiving people in my path. Life goes on...

Once upon a time
I had faith
There was a God that I loved
And He loved me back

Once upon a time
I had a life
It was full of happiness
And I smiled

Once upon a time
I saw a light
In the depth of darkness
A baby in my arms

Once upon a time
I had hope
Maybe he'd get better
But then he abandoned us

Once upon a time
I gave up
The light not as bright
The stars gave up on me

Rock bottom

I can't wrap my brain around the way life works. I feel like a bird in a cage. Birds are meant to fly free, but we keep them as pets in small spaces rather than the vast wide open that God created for them to soar in. I often look at our parakeets and feel sorry for them. Maybe they don't know that they're supposed to be outside, maybe all they know is being in that cage where they are paid little attention. In the morning they have the cover lifted from their cage and at night, it's placed back over them. That's how I feel. As stupid as it sounds, I feel like I'm in a cage and I'll never get out. In the morning my cover is removed and at night, it's replaced. There is no meaning in this life that I'm creeping through, I just exist right now.

If everything happens for a reason, then what reason could God give me that would make this ok? Does He not see the pain that radiates through my heart and mind every day? If He's so loving then why can't anything good happen to me? It's not like I'm not trying to make my life better. I push through the shit every single day and to no avail. I go to sleep (when I can) and wake up to the very same life that I promised myself would be different the night before. I'm running out of reasons to hold on and I'm exhausted from the fight. Meanwhile, Brian lives the life that I should have, sans the felonies. He has been allowed to do whatever he pleases, and not pay any consequences. There is no justice ahead, just more freedom for him, more solitary confinement for me.

I would love to go back to school, to work, to be a mom, to have freedom in my life that everyone else I know has. It's not in the cards for me. I can't even drive my own damn car anymore. I have no release, so escape and it tears me apart everyday. But, the man that caused every bit of this, he's going back to school. He has someone, actually many people in his life that love him and don't believe he could harm a fly. He lies, cheats, steals, abandons and no one around him sees what I see, knows what I know. They're blind. There's nothing I can do about it and the helplessness sweeps over me like a tidal wave.

This is the result of abuse. This is what I've become because I wasn't strong enough or smart enough to walk away. I could have had a real life, but now I'm so far down and covered in so much sadness that I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is rock bottom and I don't know how to get up. I'm pushing away the people that love me because I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself. All I want for my life is love. That may seem stupid to you, but it's all I've ever wanted. When you have love, even when times get tough, you know that everything will be ok because there is someone that will hold your hand through it. I miss him so much, but all I've done recently is push him away. I'm so afraid that I'll never be good enough that he'll find someone new and then the last bit of hope that I have for anything will be gone.

He keeps saying that I can't depend on him for my happiness, but what he doesn't realize is that he was the last person to make me happy. I had hope of a better life with him in it, and though he's not gone, it's not the same now. Think what you want about me, I don't care. I'm through with caring what people think I should or shouldn't say. If this is the only way to stop the tears for the night, then I'll keep writing. I hate that I've become this shell of a person. I hate that my smiles are fake most of the time. I hate that I push people away because I'm too afraid to open up and become a burden like Brian said I was. I hate that I have to ask permission to do anything, I hate that I can't drive my car, I hate what Brian did and got away with, and I hate that I allowed it. I hate so many things, and I can list them all... ask me what I like, and I couldn't give you an answer. Not right now because I'm too low.

I want to see Jack. I want to be with all of the kids, don't get me wrong, but I miss my little man so much because I can't even talk to him. How could they shut his mother out like this? Without me, he wouldn't even exist. I ache for him. I don't understand how Brian is allowed to be with him and I can't even see a picture of him. He's my son too. If they wanted to see pictures of Jude, I would send them. I would do anything now just to talk to my baby. I don't know anything about him. I have no idea what he likes or dislikes, I don't remember what he sounds like, I don't remember his face and that's so fucking heart breaking. I'm not asking for the world, just for what's fair. It seems that no one cares about fair, as long as it looks legit. I would never allow an abuser to be with his child, and I would never shut out the mother that was trying to protect him.

My mind is a mess tonight. I shouldn't be here. I'm supposed to be with the people that I consider family, and I can't be. I'm still in Ohio where I vowed never to return to. I have friends here and I love them very much. I'm sorry for shutting you out, but please understand that I can't talk right now. It's easier to write about what's going on in my head than it is to sit face to face and talk about it. This way, I can't feel eyes on me. I don't feel like I could be judged from the words that I'm writing (though I know I am and at this point I don't really care) nor do I have to look into someones eyes and see the pain that they feel for me. No need, I feel sorry enough for myself, I don't want anyone else to. It doesn't do any good. This whole healing process isn't going as well as it probably should be at 9 months. God, just get me out of here.

My heart stopped...

It's Friday night, so that meant another show for Sarah. It's the last one at the fair grounds before the fair so it was a pretty big deal. As always, she placed in every class (a total of 6) and I am so very proud of her and her commitment to what she loves to do. I'm always in awe when I watch her ride. She went from being a timid little girl, to an outgoing young woman. I am so blessed to have her as my daughter and I hope that I make her see that every day.

Tonight was the first time that I saw just how quickly something can go wrong and how dangerous it can be. She has been riding for over 6 years now and she knows what she's doing. She knows Taz's every move and they work so well together. I never have any fear that he could hurt her (other than being lazy, laying down, and rolling on her leg)... I trust the relationship and bond that they have with one another. Since this was the last show of this kind before the fair, there were a lot of entries, more than I've seen all summer and some of these kids were not as experienced. I noticed almost immediately when everyone was in the ring that there was an arabian that was out of control. The girl riding it couldn't keep the damn horse in control and it was beginning to rear up on her. In a split second, I see this horse go nuts, and I panicked thinking that they needed to get this kid out of the ring. In a split second, Taz got spooked and Sarah fell from his back and landed on her knees. The judges didn't see, no one saw, and she was dangerously close to getting trampled. I have never been so horrified in my life. My daughter was hurt. Well, so I thought.

The judge walked over to her and they were helped out of the ring. Her dad and grandmothers rushed to be with her (I was in the middle of feeding Jude so I was behind), and thankfully though shaken, she ended up being ok. She was terrified and her pride was hurt more than anything else, but she finished the evening and that horse and rider weren't allowed to compete any more this evening. My daughter is a tough kid! If you would have seen how far she fell and how seriously injured she could have been, most adults wouldn't have gotten back on. She did. I admire her tenacity, and I hope that she will always carry that with her no matter what situation she's in. Maybe the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've got to be kidding me!

I've decided to keep this blog going, even though there is childish family drama attached to it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you don't like what I have to say, don't read it. Simple as that. Keep the crying to yourself and go on with YOUR life, I don't need the drama in MINE.

With that said, on to the update. I received a call from the prosecutor in Brian's case a earlier this week. What I learned has struck a nerve in me deeper than I thought possible. The prosecutor is offering a plea, and the defense is more than likely going to take it. Now, this still has to go before the judge and he will ultimately make the decision, but this is what the plea involves: Brian will plead guilty to only one of the felonies that he has been charged with. It's a class D felony, the other two are a class C(which is the worst), and another class D, but they will be dropped (bullshit!). He will be sentenced to 18 months in the DOC, however, those 18 months will be suspended if he agrees to a year of probation where he will have to continue treatment at the VA for PTSD, mandatory drug tests, and paying court costs. If he gets in any trouble during that one year that he's on probation, he will have to serve the rest of the time in jail. WHAT THE FUCK??? THIS is out legal system hard at work folks! Aren't we all so proud!

I made it VERY clear that every instance of abuse that occurred, always happened DURING his time in treatment either with his counselors in the Navy, or during treatment at the VA. Is it so hard to understand given his past even before entering the military that this is NOT about PTSD?! I also mentioned the fact that random drug testing is a great idea... if it weren't for the fact that he doesn't do illegal drugs. He chooses to abuse the drugs that he's prescribed by his awesome "doctors". So he can continue his drug abuse, taking whole bottles of xanax, klonapin, adavan... and it won't matter because he's prescribed that shit. What a great idea, let's give this veteran a chance to continue to fuck up people's lives. Also, they decided to drop the no contact order between he and Jack. Brian now gets to see my son as much as he wants because Keith (Brian's dad) thinks nothing ever happened. It's funny though how the abusive piece of crap can see Jack, but that family refuses to return phone calls, emails, or send any pictures to me of MY son.

I have made my recommendation that this case goes to trail and that the plea be pulled off the table. Even if I end up losing in the end and he gets off, I'd rather take a stand and fight for what's right then just roll over and agree with what I know is wrong. If this plea is accepted, he'll get a slap on the wrist while Emma, Aiden, Jack, Jude, and I get a slap in the face. There is no excuse for letting someone so dangerous get away with this. He will only continue to do this time and time again.

I will have my day in court soon when I can speak to the judge and I look forward to it. Gone are the days of fear, now I'm ready to make my voice be heard for not only myself, but for the children that he's done permanent damage to. I can only do my best at making sure that justice is served and even if I'm unsuccessful, I can say that I gave it a fighting chance.

Will it ever get easier?

I want to close my eyes and have everything back. I want to go back in time and make everything right. I want to undo bad decisions so that I never have to be afraid to make decisions in the future. Most of all, I want to look in the mirror and love what I see. I used to feel beautiful inside and out, not anymore. I'm sure there are people that read this and think that I should just shut up, quit whining, and get on with life. To those people, I offer a simple fuck you. Nobody makes you read what I write. This is for me, and me only. I don't care what anyone thinks of me, I only care about getting my thoughts out so that I don't have to carry them around all the time. My head gets really congested some days. I want to sleep peacefully and wake up to a life where this bullshit never happened. I know that's not possible.

I'm terrified to make any decisions. They always end up hurting in the end. I miss my children, I miss my happiness with them. I don't want anyone to save me, most days I just want everyone to leave me alone. This is my life now, Brian. Are you happy to know that you have destroyed so much? Are you happy that I gave you every ounce of love that I could conjure up, only to hurt me time and time again? Did those other women make you feel good about yourself? Does your new girlfriend believe your lies like I did? Are you going to try to kill her too? You killed me long ago, just not in the way you intended to. I've been dead for years. I only hope that my ghost haunts your dreams just as much as you haunt mine.

Love the Way You Lie

I heard this song on the radio tonight. His lyrics are right on in this song... THIS is what I lived for years. I couldn't stop the tears, it sent chills through my body. I'm glad this is all over now and I don't ever have to go through it again. I'm free...

It sucks to be sick

I think last night may have been one of the longest nights that I can remember. Seeing as though I managed to make through fall and the nasty IN and OH winter without getting sick, it would figure that I come down with a cold when it's close to a hundred degrees outside. Jude went to be a little before 8 o'clock last night (don't think he's feeling too grand either), and I was sure to have Emma and Aiden tucked in by 8:30 so I could pass out. I lost count of how many times I woke up. For some reason, Jude has been waking up around 2am lately. He's been sleeping through the night since he was 6 weeks old, so I'm not sure what it's about, but I think I'll have a talk with him about the matter today. He should know that I don't enjoy middle of the night feedings!

I've been having really weird dreams lately. I don't remember all of them, mostly just bits and pieces. They aren't bad dreams, just strange, so I'm ok with that. It's been a while since I've awakened to my heart pounding, sitting straight up in bed, sweating like Richard Simmons in spandex. I am becoming more immune to Brian and what has happened. I've moved into the hatred stage, and with that, I don't think about him really at all now. I just simply don't care. I'm sure in another week, something will piss me off and I'll be back to ranting about how he should be dead.

Today is the last full day with Emmma and Aiden here. I'm very sad about that, but I know that I will see them soon. I'm hoping to be able to make a visit to Woodbridge for a day when I'm out in MD in a couple weeks. I'm just not ready to let them go yet. If it were up to me, I wouldn't. I'm trying to prepare myself for the sadness that I will be facing in the next few days. It's not easy being away from your children for so long, and then having to let them go again. I hate being so far away from them. There's nothing I can do to protect them or guide them. I can't see their artwork over the phone or give them hugs and kisses. I'm not ready to go through this again.

Home is where the heart is? I think not...

I'm so far past the point of exhaustion. I have no idea how I'm able to keep my eyes open right now let alone write anything. I'll try to remain coherent here, just bear with me. It's a blessing to have had Emma and Aiden here. No matter how crappy I've felt or how tired I am, I'm going to miss them so much when they leave. I just wish I had some of the energy that they do! I'm amazed at how children never seem to get tired. It's amusing to me that as children, we dread having to take naps or going to bed, yet as an adult, we'll find any excuse we can to go to sleep. With the exception of my mother's horrid attitude, it's been really fun being mommy again in person rather than over the phone. I hope that with the friendship between Micah and me getting better, I'll be able to see them more often.

I had another day in court today and I'm happy to report that all is well. Brian has not been successful in trying to have Jude removed from my custody and he's not willing to show up for any court dates to continue to try and do so. He's the biggest idiot I've ever known... and I've known plenty! I don't understand why he's so determined to make sure that I live a life of suffering. If he and his family really care that little about me and what I do, wouldn't it make more sense to just leave me and my family alone? I don't understand why, if he cares so little, he can't just stay away from the child that he never wanted. Some things will never make sense I suppose.

All of the court stuff should be over soon and really, in my eyes, it already is. I can take Jude anywhere I would like now and I can also move out of here and take him with me. That's such an awesome feeling! It's been a long time since I've been able to do that. With Jack, he lived with me, I took care of him, but when shit went down with Brian, Jack's negligent grandfather (Brian's dad) has done everything in his power to make sure that I have no contact with MY son. I'm amazed at how callous that family is. Someday, everything will be ok, and I'll be with Jack again, but for now, I just have to focus on getting my life in order for my kids.

Untitled

Untitled

I close my eyes, I’m there with you
The heart that beats inside your soul
I was so naive, they didn’t care
It was your life that I sold
I’ll never know who you might be
Or see that sweet first smile
But in the arms of God, you wait for me
I promise to be there in a while
I often wonder what you’ll think
To see me face to face
Have you been happy all this time
Since my choice sent you away
Will you greet me with open arms
With a smile upon your lips
Please tell me that you’ll wait for me
Please tell me you’ll forgive
I never wanted to let you die
The pain I’ll always keep
I feel you with me when I cry
An ache that runs so deep
A choice they say that can be made
“It’s every woman’s right”
It’s safe to say, I no longer feel that way
It’s for your lost life that I fight

Fight or flight

I didn't sleep well again last night. Apart from feeling like complete crap, I had one of those dreams that sticks with you when you wake up and throughout the day. It wasn't a nightmare... then again, anything having to do with Brian could be considered just that. I don't remember much about it, but whatever I was feeling during that dream, is still with me now. I know that he tried to come back and that I came dangerously close to letting him. I remember the feeling of emptiness and loneliness well. It was the feeling that because of him, I felt often during our relationship. So many times, I had to learn to let go (which until a few months ago, I hadn't perfected the art of that), and then he would come running back when his new fling didn't work out. I hate the fact that he can still get to me in my subconscious. I'm never truly rid of him, no matter how hard I try.

There's so many things that I still don't understand and that I never will. I'll never get the answers that I need to get past this because time and time again, he would just tell me that he didn't have the answers, that he didn't know why he lied or cheated. How can you not know the answers? When I do something horrible, I know why I did it, and I can give the answers even if they aren't pleasant. I think it was just another way that he could control me.

Cheating is horrible. I did it to Micah when I met Brain. We were separated, but that didn't mean that it wasn't considered cheating. I knew that I no longer loved him and that I wanted out. I never tried to go back after that because if it got to the point of cheating, then I knew I was done. Brian, on the other hand, cheated with at least 9 women that I know of... THAT I KNOW OF. After everyone, he would always want to be with me again, even if it were just for a short while. Looking back, I don't know why I allowed that behavior to continue. All it did was tell him that he could hurt me as much as he wanted and I would always put up with it and still be there. I enabled him to be a complete piece of shit. I hope that someday, he falls madly in love with someone and the same things happen to him. I hope he'll know what it feels like to not be able to trust anyone, to not have a normal relationship, even friendships with anyone because when you're afraid of people and afraid to trust, you shut everyone out. I hope that his heart gets broken beyond recognition. And I hope that he gets to feel as worthless and empty as I feel everyday because of him. There was no point to him stringing me along like that for years other than to control me. He knew my weakness was the love that I had for him and he ran with it.

I think the hardest part of life right now is where I am. I'm stuck in a state that I hate. I never wanted to move here as a teenager and I sure as hell never wanted to move back after living on my own for so many years. I'm stuck with my parents, which is detrimental to my healing. I have to deal with mental abuse everyday that I have to live here because of my mother. I'll never heal, I'll never get on my feet again until I can get away. Thanks to Brian's bullshit with Jude, I don't know when that will be now. I hate not having my own home with my own things. I don't have much, but what I do have is sitting in storage collecting dust.

I realized yesterday that all I want is love. I also realized that I am in no shape for a relationship. I can't devote myself to anyone until I find who I am again. It's going to take a long time. If I can't trust, then I can't make someone happy. I'm amazed that I was able to trust Travis right away... until that trust was broken and now it's impossible. I can't allow myself to continue to get hurt, but I can't let him go either. I should have never let him in the way I did. It's not his fault that we failed, I'm not good for anyone like this. I pushed him away, I wallowed in self pity... I'm sure I made him quite miserable. The shitty part is that I'm still very much in love, despite my insecurities, but it's more than likely too late. My head is a jumbled mess. Meanwhile, Brian has a girlfriend. How ironic. The abuser has someone, but the abused can't make sense of anything and is afraid of her own shadow. Funny how God seems to let everything get so screwed up. I'm the one suffering, but he's the one that caused all the suffering and should be paying dearly for the kids and wife that he damaged. Go figure.

Today isn't going to be a good one. It's a bad sign when I wake up like this. Often an indicator of how crappy my mood will be. On top of this, we're having visitors this weekend that I'm not fond of. My mother will more than likely be extra horrible with my cousin around, but that's always the way it goes. I can't wait to see what shit storm is going to develop this weekend. God help me.

Hopes and dreams

Tonight, I was listening to my son as he was talking to his dad on the phone. I heard him say that he hopes it will snow for Christmas. I remember as a child living in Danville, VA, hoping for that very same thing. I would go outside at night every Christmas Eve, in the bitter cold, and look to the sky to make my wish. With my eyes shut tight, and the cold air filling my lungs, I truly believed that if I wished hard enough and really wanted it, I would wake up on Christmas morning to 10 feet of freshly fallen snow on the ground. It never happened.

When I was a kid, life was full of wishes. Some of them did come true, but most never did. Children put everything they have into their hopes. I always thought that if I was good, I would get that doll or that bike. I would hope and wish so hard that I really believed that I could make anything happen. I still find myself doing that to this day.

I miss being a child. I'm sure most of us do. I had the best childhood imaginable. I got most of what I wanted, never had to clean my room or do chores, and I was allowed to explore my creative side through theater, piano lessons, and dance classes. I lived in a nice, big house, and I had parents that were still together and I can only recall one fight being heard between them. I am ashamed to think of the opportunities that were laid out before me, and to see the life that I live now and what I've become.

My mother and I had the fight of all fights a couple days ago. I had had enough of the way she speaks to me and doing it in front of my children was the last straw. She kept saying "you weren't raised to be like this!"... and she was right. They gave me everything they could and it was much more than a lot of the kids that I went to school with. Like any parents, they would have given me the world if they could have. I didn't appreciate anything as a child, or a teenager, and even into my early adulthood. I just took and took, without really thanking or showing gratitude. When I lost everything, I began to appreciate everything that I did still have. Maybe it was too late. Maybe they can't see that I'm not that person anymore, that I AM appreciative. But at the same time, I'm an adult and I need to live my life. I'm not trying to go out and party, or waste money on clothes and stupid material things. I'm trying to make a life, a real life, for my children and myself. I went from having everything, to having close to nothing.

Everyday when I wake up, I make wishes like a child and I cling to hopes that I know are unrealistic. I still say my prayers everyday, even though I feel that my faith in God has slipped away. It's just by chance that He might actually hear me for once and I can't give up on what I'm asking for. I used to want a life full of so much, now I just beg for the simple life. My dreams have changed so much since childhood. I no longer want the big house, the nice cars, to be a doctor, singer, or ballerina. All I ask God for is love. Love from my parents, my children, and from the one person that I can see forever with. I don't need the big house, the nice car... those things don't matter. When I'm on my deathbed, I doubt that I'd care at all about the possessions that I'm about to leave behind. I know that I'll want the warmth of my loved ones around me. That's what matters, that's what life should be about. I may seem like such a complicated person when you really get to know me, but the thing that doesn't seem to come across is that I'm really one of the most uncomplicated people. I seek happiness and love. That's all.

So maybe tonight as I pray, God will hear my prayers and decide that it's time for an answer. Maybe He'll even say yes for once. It's been a long time coming and I'm trying so hard everyday to be a better person. I try to make myself happy and keep myself uplifted. Either He will give me the strength to turn my back, or the strength to keep fighting for that love that I so desperately want.

Who knows?

It's been a few days since I've written anything here. I don't really know what to say tonight. I'm feeling pretty crappy but I can't explain it. For some reason, I've managed to put all my eggs in one basket again. I love too deeply and I think that it's not mutual... actually, I'm pretty sure it isn't. So the question is, if someone loves you, then falls out of love, is it possible for them to ever fall in love with you again? What was it that made them fall in love in the first place? I would just like the life that everyone else has instead of the one that I have to live. Why do I love this person so much in the first place? Tomorrow is another day, another chance to get it right... and hopefully, it will be a good one. I wish I could shake this terrible feeling, but I don't think it's possible. I know more than I should... I wish I were as naive as some people think I am.

Seriously?

I'm struggling with some things tonight. I don't understand why it's so hard for some people to accept the fact that they're an adult and should start acting like one. I had my time in my early and mid-twenties where I partied and acted a fool, but those days were terrible and I regret them heavily. I think about all the good things in life that I missed out on and how I'll never get to make up for them. I'm a few months away from 30 and I'm pissed that I had my life together and because of Brian, all of it fell apart. School, a career, all of it down the shitter now after all of my hard work. Why do I allow people to make me feel this way? I'll never understand that selfishness. How can you live your life for yourself and claim to care so much about others? Maybe it's just me and I'm so vial that I can't be cared about, or maybe it's because I allow myself to be everyone's doormat. I'm more pissed today than I have been in a while. I can't stand selfishness! Get over yourself and be responsible! It must be nice to do whatever you want, whenever you feel like it. It must be nice to treat someone however you want and know that they're still going to be there because they love you. I wouldn't know. See, I'm a mother. My life is for my kids. It's the hardest job that I've ever had to do and I do it day and night with only myself to depend on. Men have it so easy. They know that the woman is always going to take care of the kids so they get to take a break. I guess maybe I'm bitter because it's been my experience that they tend to think "Oh, it's ok, Kristin will take care of everything, she's the mom, it's her job"... with the exception of Micah (because he stepped up), I've been the one that's done everything. Do I complain? I try not to and I've always tried to be thankful for being blessed with my children. I believe that every baby is a blessing and no one should have the right to decide to end that life. I've been there, done that, and it was the most physical and emotionally painful decision I've ever made. I'm thankful for my babies... why the fuck can't everyone feel that way??? Being a single mom is so hard. I'm exhausted, I'm stressed, I'm overjoyed, I'm never alone, and yet, I'm so lonely. Yeah I'm bitching tonight. If you only knew...

Frick!

I've entered a new stage of this process and nobody told me that this would happen. I should have assumed that someday I would begin to date again and that it would scare the hell out of me. Just the thought of going out with someone that I barely know is terrifying. What if I fall in love with someone else and they end up being another Jeckle and Hyde? How will I know if someone is going to change their personality in a split second and I'm about to end up dead? I never thought of this part.

Travis didn't scare me, I knew him and I would have been forewarned if there was something that I should be alarmed about. He's never coming back, I give up on that. I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, but I'm afraid that this will really hold me back. I have too much to lose and I will NEVER introduce another man into the life of any of my kids unless I am 100 percent certain that, A. they won't ditch us (like most tend to do) and B. they're not going to hurt us in any way. How do I learn to trust again? I was always the person that trusted until I was given a reason not to and now, I've been burned so many times that I trust nothing. Thanks Brian, really, for everything you've done to completely brain wash and mind fuck me. I hope you get yours one day!

When will it go away?

I am…

Sad, broken, little, ashamed, guilty, ugly, manipulated, fat, worthless, beaten down, degraded, pushed over, stepped on, taken advantage of, self conscience, afraid, sinful, worthless, cowardly, needy, forgotten, belittled, fragile, betrayed, unforgiving, mocked, envious, discouraged, jealous, post abortive, abused, angry, depressed, unloved, scarred, bitter, loney, pathetic, exhausted, over stimulated, under achieved … STRONG.

Picking up the pieces

It's July 7, 2010. Four years ago today, I began a relationship that seemed more promising than anything I'd ever experienced in my 25 years of life. He was beautiful, charming, and he loved me like no other... I'd never been more wrong about something in my life. Today is harder than I thought it would be. Honestly, I hadn't even thought about the date until I looked at the calendar and it hit me like a ton of bricks. You can't change the past, but the pain is overwhelming today. I was so in love, I would've given my life to save him, but it didn't matter. In the end I learned that love isn't enough and it wasn't mutual.

It was so amazing in the beginning, enough that I left my life in Okinawa, and moved my children to California just to make a new life with him. He was persuasive and I wanted my days and nights to be filled with love. Today, everything reminds me of him. I've done such a good job of shutting him out of my mind, and my life. I've perfected my way of protecting myself from the pain, but today, I grieve. I think it's normal, but then again, nothing about my life with him was normal.

I live with so much regret that some days it's unbearable. I've lost more than anyone should, but I must say that I've finally gained perspective and I know what I want my life to be like. The hard part is remaining the strong woman I've become and learning to rely on myself more than anyone else. That's something that I never thought I could do. I miss the good times, and I guess maybe today, I miss him just a little... but the man in my memory isn't the real deal. Our minds tend to block out the bad so that our memories seem less painful. I can admit that today, I miss who he was, who I was 4 years ago, but I can also admit that I never want him back in my life. Those days are gone, good and bad, and I have so much to work towards now. I'm such a different person and I wonder if I'll ever get back to feeling like myself. I want that confidence that I once held but I don't know that I can manage to find it again. I've been mentally beaten down for so long that I have no clue how to pick myself up again. I wish that I could understand why this happened to me, but there are things that I'll never know, so many questions that will remain left unanswered.

It's been a rough day with Jude. I think he may not be feeling well, and so he's been fussy all day. God forbid I put him down for 5 minutes. Sometimes I do wish that I didn't have to be a single mom. It's harder than I thought that it would be and today, I just want a break. Emma and Aiden went out with my mom and Sarah for a bit and I missed them for the hour that they were gone. It's going to be so hard when they leave. Right now, I'm on the back deck with Jude and the kids are in the pool splashing and laughing. I'm really going to miss that laughter.

So far, so good

I'm exhausted! I am having so much fun with the kids and I'm truly grateful to Micah for giving us the chance to be together again. It's been non stop since 7am, and though I'm not a morning person, I love being gently tapped by Aiden in the morning asking if they can eat breakfast now. It still amazes me at how much that kid can eat! Today was filled with fun, smiles, farts(mostly Aiden though Emma had a few good ones, and giggles. Alas, they are in bed and though I can hear them chatting away to each other, I think that pretty soon they'll pass out... I know I will!

I was watching them ride their bikes today (and thankfully, Emma hasn't had any more mishaps with the back of my dad's truck), and it dawned on me that I'm actually happy. What a strange feeling it is. I have had moments of happiness here and there, but this isn't a passing moment, this has been days of actual elation. This is the life that I used to love. Of course, it's different here and my heart aches for Jack, and the kids ask about him all the time, but I'm a real mom again. Yes, I have Jude, who is mostly routine because he's so little, and Sarah, who is old enough to be completely self sufficient, and I love them so very much and enjoy every moment with them, but now it feels as though our little family is almost complete again. It may only be for a few weeks, but as I've mentioned before, I'll take what I can get and be gracious for it.

So far, Emma and Aiden haven't mentioned Brian's name and that's such an awesome thing. I wish I could erase him from their memories... from all of our memories. I feel so guilty for the pain that it caused not only my kids and myself, but my whole family. Now that I'm on the outside looking in, I can see clearly and though I know that I can't change the past, I'm so thankful that I finally got away from him. I wish I knew what happened, why it was so easy for him to fool me. I wonder if he saw me as an easy target years ago and that's why he picked me to damage. I am damaged and I don't know that I'll ever be completely me again. I think, just as I grieved the loss of a man that I thought was "the one", I also grieve for the part of me that died so long ago. Every word, every push, shove, or altercation became a new wound that never completely heals. I know that it will take a long time to get past everything that happened, but I get frustrated because I just want to go to sleep and wake up to a normal life again. It makes me so angry to know that he took a piece of my heart as a trophy and I'll never get that back. I don't know if he'll ever admit to anyone what he's done, and honestly, I don't think he feels the slightest bit bad for the kids or for anyone. I have to believe that someday he'll get what he deserves and this table will turn.

Tomorrow I have counseling. It's been going really well, but I haven't done my assignment for this week. I'm supposed to write out what I want to say to Brian and say it in front of her. This is really uncomfortable for me and I'm sure that's why she wants me to do it. I know that it's a big step in the healing process, but for me it's too hard. I'm not ready. There's a million things that I want to say, that I want to scream, but how do I get the words out? I'm afraid of the pain that will come along with it. I'm supposed to pretend that he's there... I don't want to pretend that he's anywhere! If I have to play pretend games, why can't I just pretend that nothing happened? Maybe in this case, denial might be the right path because I've been dealing with it for so long. The kids are here and I want to stay in this state of bliss for as long as I can. I don't want to stir up those emotions and then feel that searing pain in my heart. My children deserve a happy mother, not the one that I used to be when I wore a fake smile in front of them and then broke down after they went to bed. Why do I have to do this? I guess one positive way to approach this is that I have to speak in court. Well, I don't have to, but it's my right to do so and I WANT to. Though the thought of being face to face with that man makes me panic, I want a judge to hear what I have to say. I want him to go to jail for 3 years... an even trade for the 3 years that he took away from the children and me. Maybe this assignment would be good practice for the real thing.

I try very hard not to allow myself to think about November 4th 2009. I thought that by now, it would be a blur, but as any trauma haunts it's victim for as long as allowed, this is no different. I can still see everything clearly in my mind as if it were yesterday. I remember fearing for my life as his arm wrapped tightly around my neck like a boa constrictor. If I let myself, I can still feel the air being cut off as he wrapped tightly around my neck. I can remember how I thought that it was the end, that I'd never see my children again and that this is where my body would be found, lifeless on the green carpet in front of my front door where I was trying to escape. The worst part, the part that haunts me most as I sleep, is the look of fear in Jack's eyes as they met mine while I was struggling to get loose from his father's grip. I replay it over and over in my mind when I allow it. What if I had just played it cool until I was out of his sight and then called the cops, or what if I had just been a few seconds quicker in reaching the door, or turned the key in the deadbolt quicker to run out of the house? What really disgusts me is the fact that only 8 hours prior to his arrest, I was choked in the kitchen and thrown down to the floor, threatened to have my jaw broken and my life ended. I called the police from my cell phone, and when asked if I wanted to press charges, I said "no, he just needs help". I didn't want him to go to jail because I knew that if he did, it would be the end of us. Eight hours later, at 10am, I got out alive. I could have avoided my then, 1 year old son, witnessing what he did. I could have stopped that trauma from ever happening. I'll never forgive myself for that.

I had to take a break after writing that. I went out to smoke and noticed that my hands were shaking terribly as I lit my cigarette. How am I supposed to heal when I can't even write about what happened? Sometimes, if I'm in a good mood, I can talk about some things but only if I leave some of the worst details out. I want to write a book, I want my story told so that other women can know that if I could find the strength to get out alive, they can too. But how can I do that if it's this hard to even write in a blog? No, I'll get there. I have no choice! I have to get through this, because I have to live the life that I've been given. I've tried to take the easy way out too many times and I refuse to go down like that. My kids need me... I need them! I don't want them to look at me when they're grown up and see a pathetic mess who didn't care enough about them to be strong. I want my girls especially to know that they don't EVER have to put up with what I did, and my boys WILL know that they can't do this to a woman. No, I'll be strong. I'll keep pushing myself through this no matter how hard it gets. Yes, there are bad days, and when I say bad, I mean BAD, but with the bad comes the good. Maybe the good days don't come as often as I'd like, but it's only been 8 months now. I've suffered for almost 4 years, 8 months isn't long at all.

Somebody pinch me!

It seems so surreal that as I'm typing this entry, I have 3 children sound asleep downstairs. I thought that this day would never come and here it is. It's such a mixed bag of emotions. I'm thrilled to be with them, and already sad that in just 3 weeks, I have to let them go again. I've missed so much and I don't want to miss a second more. They have grown into even sillier monsters and I love them so much! It pisses me off that when I should be on cloud nine, someone is here to make sure that I can't enjoy every bit of it. I'll never understand why there are people in this world that work so hard to make sure they make as many people as miserable as possible. How sad of a life that must be.

It was good to see Micah. My ex-husband and I haven't always gotten along so well. It was great to hang out last night and today and I was surprised when I actually wanted him to stay another day. Hopefully, we're working on a friendship because it's long overdue and our children deserve the very best out of a shitty situation. It seems as though he's trying really hard to change his past behavior and it was nice to get a hug before he left. I hope that it continues to get better. He's a good man that did the best thing for our kids. I didn't see it at the time because Brian was causing so much chaos and making me crazy, but Micah did the right thing and someday the kids will understand how lucky they were to get away from Brian when they did. I wish I could say the same for Jack and I, but I can't change that now. I'm looking forward to the future and I think that just maybe things will work out.

It's strange to me because the last time Emma, Aiden, and I were together here was in June 2008. Jack was only 5 months old when we decided to make the trip to visit. Brian was once again in the psych ward at Bethesda (during which he managed to screw another psych patient name Margaret) so the little ones and I got away from the mess for a week. That seems so long ago now. It hurts a little when I think about it because we lived together then. When I left, I took them with me, but this time it will be them leaving and I have to stay. I pray that things go quickly in Jude's case because I really need to leave this house. It's not healthy for me here and I can't see too much progress happening in these conditions. The mental bullshit is overwhelming and I've had enough of that in my life. I'm doing okay right now and I will try my best to keep pushing forward. I have a strong support system and that's something that no one can take away.

I would love to pour my heart out right now and say everything that I'm thinking, but God forbid I say something that might offend any "family" member that may read this. God knows they could care less about anything I go through or have to say, their only real concern is making me look bad or talking shit behind my back. If that's the case... you can fuck off. I've made it this long without you in my life, I won't start now. My close friends know what I feel and they're the ones that matter.

So now, I'm off to bed... on a Saturday night... at 10:30. That's fine with me. I'm almost 30 and though my life is FAR from what I thought it would be at this age, I have ALMOST everything that I want right now. The only missing piece is Jack and someday, come hell or high water, we will be together again. Goodnight, little angel.

A sigh of relief

I shouldn't still be awake at 1am. I can't keep staying up late every night, but sometimes it helps to thoroughly exhaust myself to avoid nightmares. Tonight, I'm just excited. Emma, Aiden, and Micah should be here around 10 tomorrow morning. I haven't seen them since November, just 2 days after Brian was arrested. It's amazing to me how quickly that time has gone by. I managed to make it through a pregnancy since then and Jude is now 11 weeks old. It's funny how slow my day to day life seems and then when I really look at it, I realize that life is flying by in the blink of an eye. I can only imagine how big the kids will seem to me when I see them, though in my mind, they're still my babies.

It seems like only yesterday that Sarah was born. I've lived a lot and I've made a lot of mistakes, but my children are my biggest accomplishments. No, it's not hard to have a ton of kids... the act of creating them is the easiest thing a person can do, but it IS hard to have children that are so well behaved and intelligent. In today's society, I often frown on the behavior of most children. It truly is the reflection of the parents and I'm thankful to see how polite and generous my babies are. They're kids, they fight, have tempers... the usual kid stuff, but they're amazing and I've always been complimented on them. They really are the biggest blessings.

I was thankful today that I didn't have to see Brian as Jude and I showed up for the paternity test. My stomach was in knots all morning thinking that he might actually be responsible and show up. I couldn't imagine how terrifying it would be to have to see his smug, asshole face. I detest him more than anything. But he wasn't there and today was a good day. Tomorrow, well later today that is, will be a good day too! I know that chaos is just around the corner, but it's a welcomed chaos! I can't wait to feel those tiny arms wrap around my neck and feel the sweet kisses on my cheeks. I plan to spend the next 3 weeks breathing my babies in and cherishing every moment. I wish that I could be a full time mom to all of them again, but right now I will take what I can get and be grateful.

Alejandro

"She's not broken, she's just a baby...",that stupid song is stuck in my head and God help me... I actually like it. Well, another day gone, I made it, and to be honest it wasn't half bad. Maybe I'm done with being stuck in another rut for this week. I know that it hasn't been that long and things aren't fantastic in my life, so I'll give myself the appropriate time to grieve instead of beating myself up for my depression. If you can't handle my mood swings, then you probably don't belong in my life at this point in time. Simple as that. I spent too long thinking that I should be over this crap, but in reality, November wasn't that long ago and I am really learning a new way to live life. When it rains it pours, right? This isn't the first time that I've been bombarded with one horrible thing after the next and I've always made it through those times. Maybe I'll actually get through these... or maybe I won't, but I won't know unless I keep pushing through the shitty days.

My babies will be here Friday morning. I wish that Jack could be here too, but my father made me face the hard reality that I may have to start to let him go. Maybe just for now, or maybe forever. The thought in itself makes fire run through my veins. He started his life in my body, and I love him so deeply to the core of my being that it kills me to think that those bastards can keep him away, possibly until he's 18. I still wake up and can't believe that this is my life. It's hard not to blame myself, because even though people say it's not my fault, honestly I have to own at least some of the blame. I didn't get us away soon enough and my children and I have paid the price. I know that for the most part, Emma and Aiden are well taken care of. Their dad does the best that he can to be a good parent (aside from his "Once a Marine, Always a Marine" mindset), but Jack is not safe with the Powers. They are an evil and destructive family. Brian learned his abusive behavior as a child... and he was raised by the very man that was given custody of my son.

The system is so fucked up. They didn't want to hear anything that I had to say. Hopefully this time around will be different but I have my doubts on that. The first social worker that was involved from the time that Brian had one of his friends or family members attempt to have Jude taken from me when he was 1 day old (if you want to know, just ask)returned my phone call today. It was the first time that I've received a return call that quickly from these people. She stated that she had called and left messages on the home phone and sent a letter... I never got messages OR a letter. My parents could attest to that fact. She refused to believe that she never called or sent said letter. WHAT... THE... HELL??? Are they really that ridiculous? Must it always be my word against theirs? Is it really that hard for a so-called "professional" to admit that THEY didn't do something they were supposed to do? It's deja vu and I refuse to let this shit happen again. I won't allow another child to slip through my grasp because of an agency's negligence! They've officially pissed me off and that's generally not a good idea. I'm a sweetheart unless it comes to my kids or myself being put in harm's way.

So I'm on a mission. I have no idea how I'm supposed to bring this "system" down, but if it's the last thing I do, it WILL happen. These laws are pathetic, and removing children from a mother or father that has been abused doesn't make the situation any safer. Most of the cases that stem from abuse don't involve the mother as being the abuser. It's usually cases like mine where I was abused and the children witnessed little of what happened. In no way am I saying that child services serves no purpose and I'm also not saying that it's not in a child's best interest to remove them from any home where abuse is taking place... but taking them from an abused mother and then keeping them in a system that just shuffles them around for months or even years, only does more damage to that mother and child(ren). I could go on and on and give a million examples and reasons for my thought process on this, but it's late and I'll have to pick this back up tomorrow. But before I hop off of my soapbox, I will say that there is a purpose to what I have been through. The laws have to change, they have to actually start to protect rather than destroy. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I have little time in this life, and this is high priority for me.

Mojave

It's cool out tonight. I spent some time outside and felt the cool breeze brush against my face. It's one of those nights that isn't complete without a nice warm hoodie. As I sat on the back deck, I pulled my hood over my head and closed my eyes. It felt like I was back in the desert when I breathed the cool air into my lungs. Everything about it, the briskness, the smell of the air reminded me of sitting on my front porch at night in 29 Palms. I used to put the kids to bed and sit out there in the dark with nothing to light the front yard but the stars above. I've never seen the stars look clearer than those nights. There was no smog, no humidity, just cool air.

I miss those days. I try not to let myself think about them too often. That's when we were happy, and everything was new and beautiful. That's before I found out what a monster Brian could be. I know that it began there, but it was behind my back and I was none the wiser because he was still so charming then. My days were filled with love and excitement and my nights were full of passion. I felt on top of the world then and believed that life would stay that wonderful.

He was a husband there, a father. Emma and Aiden adored him, and he felt the same about them. I think about our house, and how quaint it was. It wasn't huge, but it was the perfect size for our little family. Everyday I would awaken to my little ones who were 1 and 2 years old, and kiss the man that I loved as he left for work. I was the picture perfect wife that had the palace clean and dinner on the table. Every night, I would watch Brian and the kids roll around on the floor and play tickle monster. We would take turns giving them baths and reading stories, then as the kids went to bed, we would spend time together just laughing and loving. Those were great days.

I'll never forget those days. To most, 29 Palms is the butthole of humanity. It was nothing but a waste of earth, a hole that people dreaded having to live in. It was hot in the summer, cold in the winter, and there was never anything to do that didn't involve driving at least 40 minutes to the closest Wal-Mart. For me, that was the happiest place that I've ever lived. I don't recall that I ever saw life as being more perfect. Maybe that's why I don't choose to think about it all that often. I got to be exactly what I've wanted to be my entire life. I was a happy wife and mother in a simple home with simple problems. Even when Brian was in trouble, I still managed to get by and take care of things knowing that it would get better.

It was my idea to move to Quantico. I wanted him to get orders there because I thought it was a beautiful place. Though I was happy in California, I was ready to remove my little family from the drama that was caused by Brian's ex-wife. Little did I know that he never quite made her an "ex" and I was being screwed around on quite frequently in the beginning. I thought that moving so far away would be good for us. I was so wrong. It's not where we live that will make us happy or miserable, it's about learning to like and live with your surroundings. I know that had my marriage been happy and stayed that way, I would have been happy no matter where we went. It was the idea of having my best friend with me where ever we had to go, that made the many moves tolerable. It was knowing that no matter what our house looked like or what car I would be driving that my children and my husband would always be there. I am disgusted with how naive I was. I wasn't a child, I was in my mid-twenties for Christ sake, how could I have been so blind to the shit that he was doing even in those early days?! Did it really need to come to this for me to realize that it was never real?

Today, I sat in a court room where I could lose another child. My baby, 10 weeks old, innocent and unaware of his father and the actions that almost ended his tiny life, could be taken away from me. I have lost Emma, Aiden, and Jack because of HIS abuse. I now have to go through the system to make sure that my son stays in my custody. It wasn't supposed to happen this time. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Jude and I belong together, without him. I can never describe the pain of losing a child. When you know that it's because of the actions of someone that you loved so much, the guilt is overwhelming. Now here we are again. Maybe it won't be the same this time, maybe I should have hope, but how can I when all I've known is tragedy. This is our country. These laws have to change. The protect no one but the abuser. He has rights to establish paternity and see the child that he wanted dead... Jude and I (along with Emma, Aiden, and Jack) have no rights. I won't stand for this bullshit any longer. I will NOT roll over and let anyone tell me that I'm not a good mother.

I'm not good at giving up

I'm driving myself crazy! Everyday, I wake up and feel the emptiness hit in the pit of my stomach. The nightmares have been coming frequently and are getting more intense. The thing is, Brian is in fewer of them now, and the other is in more. I don't understand where this is coming from, but it's making me question reality.

It was a rough weekend and one that I'd really rather not talk about. Thankfully, Travis was there to pull me out of my head and see a bit more clearly. Sometimes, I think he still loves me and I carry hope that it will work out, then other times, he'll say something that completely knocks me off of my feet and I question everything. I don't know which way is up anymore and I blame myself for letting someone get so close and then rip themselves away. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish that I could just let go and put a smile on and at least pretend that I'm not hurt. My problem is that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I can't hide my emotions. I always thought that it was better to tell the people that you love how you feel, but in this case, I'm afraid that at some point soon, he'll just get sick of my crap and ditch me completely. I don't want to annoy him, I certainly don't want to offend him... I don't know how to act. This break up has been devastating. I don't think I could explain how painful it is even if I tried.

My problem is that I love too much. I give my heart away and trust too easily. I give a relationship everything that I can and I trust that the same will be done for me. So far, that hasn't been how it's panned out. I will say though that he is the one man that I haven't hated after breaking my heart. He did what was right for his life, and I can respect that... it's just hard when I'M what was wrong for his life. I'm still in love, I'm still holding on and I would still give my heart to him at any point and that's what hurts the most. How do you fall out of love? I don't want to go through this again and end up in the exact same place that I'm at right now. How can it be so easy for one and so hard for the other? I'm thankful to still get his phone calls everyday, but sometimes I think that makes it harder. I hate how platonic it's supposed to be but on the other hand, I can't bear the thought of losing him out of my life.

I do know that if I can't stay strong, that I'll never know love. I've been told that I need to love myself first, but that's not in my nature. I've always tried to put the people that I love first, myself second. There's no point in arguing with me about that, because I'll never change it. I've tried in the past, and it's just not how I'm wired. I don't try to be complicated. I'm a compassionate (sometimes), gentle, loving person and I can't change those traits that I would see as quality ones, just to become someone that hurts people to make myself happy.

I need to go to bed and try to sleep before the nightmares hit again. It sucks knowing that tomorrow, I'll more than likely wake up to that pit in my stomach and immediately reach for my phone and text something stupid. I always hope that he's thinking about me or happy to hear from me, but it's become routine. Things have changed and I'm just at the point in my life that I can't really handle any more changes. I'm a good woman, I'm not ugly, I'm not stupid... I just have to remind myself of these things and maybe with that, I'll shine on the outside bright enough for him to see me, the real me.

Today, I don't care about anything. I'm numb from the inside out. I could walk through fire and not feel a single sting. I want to give up, it's right there, right on the edge, where it's been so many times before. I knew I would still have days like this and I guess I'm thankful that I'm numb now because I don't think I could cry one more tear. It's just life, it's just MY life. So to those that tell me that God is going to make everything better... where is HE? When is He going to intervene and stop the landslides that get worse? I don't want to hear another thing about God. I was faithful, I loved Him more than I could imagine possible and yet it went unnoticed. When things started to get worse, I kept my faith, accepting that this was a test and it would be over soon... when? I've taken this test so many times and my answers are always the same. I always finish with my arms held high waiting for Him to life me up like a child, but He's not there. Aren't there other people that deserve their turn in this hell? I'm a good person, damn it! I have loved with all of my heart and continue to love the most selfish people that take me for granted and I want to stop. I want so badly to have the power over them for once instead of holding on to people that don't want me. I don't want the nightmares anymore and I would do anything for someone to take them away. Lately, it's not just Brian that I see. I see two men and they're both laughing over me as I'm begging for my life. I can't go into details, those dreams take my breath away. I know who the other man is. I thanked God for him, but God allowed all of this.

Crazy little thing called love

I've gotten to the crucial half way point. I no longer have ANY feelings for Brian and I remember thinking that the love that I felt for him would never go away and that I'd never heal. Anyone who's been through a break up, whether it's in a marriage or not, knows that feeling. It's always hard when the relationship ends and it isn't on mutual terms. In my case with Brian, the more I look at it, I was the one who ended it. He didn't leave me the last time, he was arrested and had to leave because the cops hauled him off... but that was MY choice to end it. That was really the only way that I could end it. At the time, that wasn't my intention, I just realized how dangerously close I was to death and without even thinking about it, I called the police because even though I had let it get that far in the past I knew that the next time would probably be the end of the line for my life. It was fight or flight and I no longer regret the decision I made. It's crazy for me to look at myself now and see how far I really have come. What's even more crazy is that all of this strength that I possess now, came about in such a short period of time. It's like I just woke up one day and refused to weak anymore. I've got a long way to go and the road will always have bumps, but I feel much better equipped now to handle them now.

I wish I could explain how it used to be. I want to be able to really paint the picture of abuse and how an abuser controls his victim. When I used to say how much I missed him, people would look at me like I was insane. Only those that have actually been through it can really understand what it was like and why I stayed for so long. Aside from the children, the treats, telling me no one would want me... believe it or not, there was a sense of security there. I mentioned the cycles of abuse in a previous post and referred to the "honeymoon" and what I call the "normal" phases. During these times, we were just like any other couple, happy even. Those were the times that I saw my best friend in him. He was more like the man that I met, than the monster that had me begging for mercy. We did everything together then, we laughed, and we loved. I want to be clear... I DO NOT miss him, I don't miss the way that it used to be, I don't look back at anything with him fondly because I'm strong now and I see clearly. I know that when I thought I was happy, I was really miserable, but there were human comforts then that I do miss.

I don't thrive on having a relationship all the time. I realize that being single is healthy for me. I have forgiven and am trying to move past the heartache with Travis. He's a good man, and I don't fault him for his decisions. I can be a lot to handle and not everyone is cut out for relationships. I could have made the choice to stay angry, but what good would it have done? I can't ruin a friendship that I hold dearly, even though it does hurt and I don't think he understands what his words have a tendency to do to me, but that's not his fault. Men can be blind to those things. Not all, but the ones that I've been with certainly have. To get to the point, I miss that contact with someone. It's hard being a single mom because I've always been with my husband. At the end of the day, when the kids went to bed, I could curl up on the couch with someone and watch tv or sometimes we'd lay in bed and read. I had someone there. At night, I could hear him breathe next to me, and during the day, I had someone to talk to. Even the normal everyday things like discussing finances or making plans. I don't have that anymore. Now when I go to bed, I stretch my arm over the empty place where someone was always next to me. I miss having that deep connection with someone. I miss having a husband, a best friend, that person that you believe will never go away. But in my case, they all go away. Don't get me wrong, I'm strong now, I'm okay... but I'm lonely. It's now during these dark times that I wish I had someone to lay with and hold me or say something stupid to distract me and make me laugh. I want someone to look at me tell me that they can't imagine life without me. Believe it not, Brian did all of those things. That was the hardest part for me. I was promised a life of love, happiness, and growing old together, but it was a lie. To have gone through more of those promises with someone else and then him taking them away again, that was devastating and I now find myself back at that point where I feel like I won't heal from this. Luckily, I'm smart enough to know that if I could get through it once, I can do it again. It's just horrible that knowing what I've been through, anyone would make me go back and do it all over again. There has to be someone out there for me and I hope that I live long enough to find him. I'll stay strong no matter what... I have to.