Mojave

It's cool out tonight. I spent some time outside and felt the cool breeze brush against my face. It's one of those nights that isn't complete without a nice warm hoodie. As I sat on the back deck, I pulled my hood over my head and closed my eyes. It felt like I was back in the desert when I breathed the cool air into my lungs. Everything about it, the briskness, the smell of the air reminded me of sitting on my front porch at night in 29 Palms. I used to put the kids to bed and sit out there in the dark with nothing to light the front yard but the stars above. I've never seen the stars look clearer than those nights. There was no smog, no humidity, just cool air.

I miss those days. I try not to let myself think about them too often. That's when we were happy, and everything was new and beautiful. That's before I found out what a monster Brian could be. I know that it began there, but it was behind my back and I was none the wiser because he was still so charming then. My days were filled with love and excitement and my nights were full of passion. I felt on top of the world then and believed that life would stay that wonderful.

He was a husband there, a father. Emma and Aiden adored him, and he felt the same about them. I think about our house, and how quaint it was. It wasn't huge, but it was the perfect size for our little family. Everyday I would awaken to my little ones who were 1 and 2 years old, and kiss the man that I loved as he left for work. I was the picture perfect wife that had the palace clean and dinner on the table. Every night, I would watch Brian and the kids roll around on the floor and play tickle monster. We would take turns giving them baths and reading stories, then as the kids went to bed, we would spend time together just laughing and loving. Those were great days.

I'll never forget those days. To most, 29 Palms is the butthole of humanity. It was nothing but a waste of earth, a hole that people dreaded having to live in. It was hot in the summer, cold in the winter, and there was never anything to do that didn't involve driving at least 40 minutes to the closest Wal-Mart. For me, that was the happiest place that I've ever lived. I don't recall that I ever saw life as being more perfect. Maybe that's why I don't choose to think about it all that often. I got to be exactly what I've wanted to be my entire life. I was a happy wife and mother in a simple home with simple problems. Even when Brian was in trouble, I still managed to get by and take care of things knowing that it would get better.

It was my idea to move to Quantico. I wanted him to get orders there because I thought it was a beautiful place. Though I was happy in California, I was ready to remove my little family from the drama that was caused by Brian's ex-wife. Little did I know that he never quite made her an "ex" and I was being screwed around on quite frequently in the beginning. I thought that moving so far away would be good for us. I was so wrong. It's not where we live that will make us happy or miserable, it's about learning to like and live with your surroundings. I know that had my marriage been happy and stayed that way, I would have been happy no matter where we went. It was the idea of having my best friend with me where ever we had to go, that made the many moves tolerable. It was knowing that no matter what our house looked like or what car I would be driving that my children and my husband would always be there. I am disgusted with how naive I was. I wasn't a child, I was in my mid-twenties for Christ sake, how could I have been so blind to the shit that he was doing even in those early days?! Did it really need to come to this for me to realize that it was never real?

Today, I sat in a court room where I could lose another child. My baby, 10 weeks old, innocent and unaware of his father and the actions that almost ended his tiny life, could be taken away from me. I have lost Emma, Aiden, and Jack because of HIS abuse. I now have to go through the system to make sure that my son stays in my custody. It wasn't supposed to happen this time. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Jude and I belong together, without him. I can never describe the pain of losing a child. When you know that it's because of the actions of someone that you loved so much, the guilt is overwhelming. Now here we are again. Maybe it won't be the same this time, maybe I should have hope, but how can I when all I've known is tragedy. This is our country. These laws have to change. The protect no one but the abuser. He has rights to establish paternity and see the child that he wanted dead... Jude and I (along with Emma, Aiden, and Jack) have no rights. I won't stand for this bullshit any longer. I will NOT roll over and let anyone tell me that I'm not a good mother.

I'm not good at giving up

I'm driving myself crazy! Everyday, I wake up and feel the emptiness hit in the pit of my stomach. The nightmares have been coming frequently and are getting more intense. The thing is, Brian is in fewer of them now, and the other is in more. I don't understand where this is coming from, but it's making me question reality.

It was a rough weekend and one that I'd really rather not talk about. Thankfully, Travis was there to pull me out of my head and see a bit more clearly. Sometimes, I think he still loves me and I carry hope that it will work out, then other times, he'll say something that completely knocks me off of my feet and I question everything. I don't know which way is up anymore and I blame myself for letting someone get so close and then rip themselves away. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish that I could just let go and put a smile on and at least pretend that I'm not hurt. My problem is that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I can't hide my emotions. I always thought that it was better to tell the people that you love how you feel, but in this case, I'm afraid that at some point soon, he'll just get sick of my crap and ditch me completely. I don't want to annoy him, I certainly don't want to offend him... I don't know how to act. This break up has been devastating. I don't think I could explain how painful it is even if I tried.

My problem is that I love too much. I give my heart away and trust too easily. I give a relationship everything that I can and I trust that the same will be done for me. So far, that hasn't been how it's panned out. I will say though that he is the one man that I haven't hated after breaking my heart. He did what was right for his life, and I can respect that... it's just hard when I'M what was wrong for his life. I'm still in love, I'm still holding on and I would still give my heart to him at any point and that's what hurts the most. How do you fall out of love? I don't want to go through this again and end up in the exact same place that I'm at right now. How can it be so easy for one and so hard for the other? I'm thankful to still get his phone calls everyday, but sometimes I think that makes it harder. I hate how platonic it's supposed to be but on the other hand, I can't bear the thought of losing him out of my life.

I do know that if I can't stay strong, that I'll never know love. I've been told that I need to love myself first, but that's not in my nature. I've always tried to put the people that I love first, myself second. There's no point in arguing with me about that, because I'll never change it. I've tried in the past, and it's just not how I'm wired. I don't try to be complicated. I'm a compassionate (sometimes), gentle, loving person and I can't change those traits that I would see as quality ones, just to become someone that hurts people to make myself happy.

I need to go to bed and try to sleep before the nightmares hit again. It sucks knowing that tomorrow, I'll more than likely wake up to that pit in my stomach and immediately reach for my phone and text something stupid. I always hope that he's thinking about me or happy to hear from me, but it's become routine. Things have changed and I'm just at the point in my life that I can't really handle any more changes. I'm a good woman, I'm not ugly, I'm not stupid... I just have to remind myself of these things and maybe with that, I'll shine on the outside bright enough for him to see me, the real me.

Today, I don't care about anything. I'm numb from the inside out. I could walk through fire and not feel a single sting. I want to give up, it's right there, right on the edge, where it's been so many times before. I knew I would still have days like this and I guess I'm thankful that I'm numb now because I don't think I could cry one more tear. It's just life, it's just MY life. So to those that tell me that God is going to make everything better... where is HE? When is He going to intervene and stop the landslides that get worse? I don't want to hear another thing about God. I was faithful, I loved Him more than I could imagine possible and yet it went unnoticed. When things started to get worse, I kept my faith, accepting that this was a test and it would be over soon... when? I've taken this test so many times and my answers are always the same. I always finish with my arms held high waiting for Him to life me up like a child, but He's not there. Aren't there other people that deserve their turn in this hell? I'm a good person, damn it! I have loved with all of my heart and continue to love the most selfish people that take me for granted and I want to stop. I want so badly to have the power over them for once instead of holding on to people that don't want me. I don't want the nightmares anymore and I would do anything for someone to take them away. Lately, it's not just Brian that I see. I see two men and they're both laughing over me as I'm begging for my life. I can't go into details, those dreams take my breath away. I know who the other man is. I thanked God for him, but God allowed all of this.

Crazy little thing called love

I've gotten to the crucial half way point. I no longer have ANY feelings for Brian and I remember thinking that the love that I felt for him would never go away and that I'd never heal. Anyone who's been through a break up, whether it's in a marriage or not, knows that feeling. It's always hard when the relationship ends and it isn't on mutual terms. In my case with Brian, the more I look at it, I was the one who ended it. He didn't leave me the last time, he was arrested and had to leave because the cops hauled him off... but that was MY choice to end it. That was really the only way that I could end it. At the time, that wasn't my intention, I just realized how dangerously close I was to death and without even thinking about it, I called the police because even though I had let it get that far in the past I knew that the next time would probably be the end of the line for my life. It was fight or flight and I no longer regret the decision I made. It's crazy for me to look at myself now and see how far I really have come. What's even more crazy is that all of this strength that I possess now, came about in such a short period of time. It's like I just woke up one day and refused to weak anymore. I've got a long way to go and the road will always have bumps, but I feel much better equipped now to handle them now.

I wish I could explain how it used to be. I want to be able to really paint the picture of abuse and how an abuser controls his victim. When I used to say how much I missed him, people would look at me like I was insane. Only those that have actually been through it can really understand what it was like and why I stayed for so long. Aside from the children, the treats, telling me no one would want me... believe it or not, there was a sense of security there. I mentioned the cycles of abuse in a previous post and referred to the "honeymoon" and what I call the "normal" phases. During these times, we were just like any other couple, happy even. Those were the times that I saw my best friend in him. He was more like the man that I met, than the monster that had me begging for mercy. We did everything together then, we laughed, and we loved. I want to be clear... I DO NOT miss him, I don't miss the way that it used to be, I don't look back at anything with him fondly because I'm strong now and I see clearly. I know that when I thought I was happy, I was really miserable, but there were human comforts then that I do miss.

I don't thrive on having a relationship all the time. I realize that being single is healthy for me. I have forgiven and am trying to move past the heartache with Travis. He's a good man, and I don't fault him for his decisions. I can be a lot to handle and not everyone is cut out for relationships. I could have made the choice to stay angry, but what good would it have done? I can't ruin a friendship that I hold dearly, even though it does hurt and I don't think he understands what his words have a tendency to do to me, but that's not his fault. Men can be blind to those things. Not all, but the ones that I've been with certainly have. To get to the point, I miss that contact with someone. It's hard being a single mom because I've always been with my husband. At the end of the day, when the kids went to bed, I could curl up on the couch with someone and watch tv or sometimes we'd lay in bed and read. I had someone there. At night, I could hear him breathe next to me, and during the day, I had someone to talk to. Even the normal everyday things like discussing finances or making plans. I don't have that anymore. Now when I go to bed, I stretch my arm over the empty place where someone was always next to me. I miss having that deep connection with someone. I miss having a husband, a best friend, that person that you believe will never go away. But in my case, they all go away. Don't get me wrong, I'm strong now, I'm okay... but I'm lonely. It's now during these dark times that I wish I had someone to lay with and hold me or say something stupid to distract me and make me laugh. I want someone to look at me tell me that they can't imagine life without me. Believe it not, Brian did all of those things. That was the hardest part for me. I was promised a life of love, happiness, and growing old together, but it was a lie. To have gone through more of those promises with someone else and then him taking them away again, that was devastating and I now find myself back at that point where I feel like I won't heal from this. Luckily, I'm smart enough to know that if I could get through it once, I can do it again. It's just horrible that knowing what I've been through, anyone would make me go back and do it all over again. There has to be someone out there for me and I hope that I live long enough to find him. I'll stay strong no matter what... I have to.

The little things

It's been an interesting day to say the least. I found out that Jude was dropped from medicaid and was informed of this by his pediatrician's office as they called to reschedule is 2 month well baby appointment that was supposed to be tomorrow. Imagine my shock as I was informed that it was cancelled because they were sent a letter stating that he wasn't insured. I thought that I had taken care of everything, and was able to breathe a huge sigh of relief because if nothing else, my son had health insurance. I HATE living in this state. I can't stand the fact that I now have close to 50 grand in medical bills because I went through a pregnancy and birth with no insurance. I thought I had it, I was told I had it, but alas, it seems that no one had their shit straight. I've never needed insurance more in my life than I do right now and it's not available to me. However, I'm not freaking out about it. I have faith and I trust that that will be taken care of. It's just hard to have to go about it in the ways that I'm going to have to. Is nothing simple?

I had counseling today and it went great! My therapist sat in awe as I told her how I was feeling, how I had been feeling. Ever since I put the crib together, I found a new strength in myself that I didn't know was still there. It's amazing how such a menial task could take on the form of empowerment for me. I'm not sure if I can explain it, but for me, I was always told that I couldn't do things. I wanted to learn how to change my oil or fix things... even how to change a wiper blade... things that most people could do in their sleep, but I was told that I'd "never be able to learn because you're too stupid". I put my son's crib together. I did it (with the help of my daughter), but it was something that I didn't need help with from a man. Guess what? I wasn't too stupid after all! That small task finally made me realize that there a lot of things that I CAN do. I am an intelligent woman and there's nothing that I can't learn how to do. With that small accomplishment, I woke up. That's when the more positive attitude started. Yes, I hate living in Ohio, yes I still have a few crappy moments some days, but doesn't everyone? I'm no different than anyone else. My life is no better or no worse, it's just different circumstances.

I've decided that I will not be allowing the paternity test to take place. I will make calls to stop it tomorrow. I don't want child support from Brian, I don't want anything. If he wants to see his son, then he'll have to get through ME first... and though I can be a very sweet person and I have a heart of gold for the ones I love, I'm not one who will easily give in to the people that I don't like. Jude is MY son. He grew in my body, and depends on me alone for his protection. I'm not going to let that little guy down. I've let my children down before and it will never happen again! See, this is me being strong. I'll bet Brian completely forgot that I have worth and I'm not afraid to show it now.

I doubt anyone will understand this, that a piece of baby furniture made me feel whole again. It's ok, I'm not offended if you think I'm nuts. Kristin is coming back. It's damn good to see glimpses of her again! I'm content tonight, I might even go so far as to say that I'm HAPPY, and this time, I actually feel it and I'm not just going through the motions of acting like a happy person. In my heart I know that there are good things ahead of me. I feel so full of love tonight that I don't know what to do with myself. God, it feels good!

Father's Day... or is it?

I'd be lying if I said that I haven't shed a tear today. It's hard being a single mother, though I try to remind myself that if it weren't for my parents and their financial help, it would be much harder. It's not that I miss Brian, please don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful that he's out of my life and will never be in Jude's, but it's sad. Jude may never know what it's like to have a good father in his life. There are certain things that I can't teach my son, but I've been through too much as far as relationships go to ever introduce another man into his life. If I can't have who I want, then I'd rather just stay single and not have to go through the heartbreak again, and I definitely don't want my child to go through that either. Most of the time, I don't even think of the fact that it's just me raising him. My days are so full of taking care of him that it seems routine. It IS routine now and I'm proud of that! Then again, there are times like his first real smile and the first day that he started "talking"... those moments are wonderful and I'm stopped dead in my tracks because it's just me that is experiencing those firsts. I want to watch him being held in strong arms and to watch a father and son playing catch in the backyard. I don't want Jude to miss out, but he will. There is going to come a day when he'll notice that the other kids have dads, and he'll ask me where his is. The thought of this breaks my heart. How do I explain that he was safer not having his father there. How do you a tell a child that his father tried to kill both he and his mother before he was born? How do I tell Jude that he's had two men that called themselves dad, and then decided that they didn't want mom anymore? I feel so fucking guilty over it. I look at that precious baby, and I thank God for his life. We could have easily been killed that day, Jude was in even more danger as I may have recovered from being strangled, but who knows if I hadn't gone limp like the voice in my head told me to... I can't even think about it. So it's Father's Day, and Brian and his father are more than likely basking in each others worthless company. My son, my Jack, is there with them. I can't protect him from those monsters and this is supposed to be his day, dad's day. So today, I'm claiming this one. I'm both, a mother and a father. I will teach my son as much as I can. He'll probably be sitting down to pee well into his twenties, and he'll throw a baseball like a girl, but at least he'll be able to hold his head high and know that even though he didn't have a dad, he has a mom that loves him unconditionally and she tried her best to make life good for him. On that note, I'm going to watch my baby sleep peacefully in his crib... the one that I put together, without a man's help and listen to the music playing on his new mobile... that I put together, once again without a man. I'm sad and I'm lonely and I'd give anything to have him be the dad that he promised to be and watch Jude grow, but this is the hand I've been dealt. Things can always change and can always get better. So to all the single moms... HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Blah

Tonight just sucks. Last night was a long and miserable night, and today was an even longer day. The stress is starting to get to me, but at least I've been able to keep a positive attitude. At some point, things are bound to turn around, but it's terrifying leaving my fate in the hands of someone that I'm not even sure cares that much anymore. It makes me so mad that Brian gets a good life. He's going back to school, gets disability every month, has the support of his family and girlfriend... meanwhile I'm busting my ass just trying to find a job, fix my car, and somehow affording medical care that I desperately need to survive while trying to figure out how I'm going to pay all of my doctor and hospital bills. Why is it so easy for him and who decided that his life should be better than mine? He's a liar! I'm an honest and good person who gets shit on all the time. I'll never understand how the world works. God, I'm just so stressed out all the time. I've been trying to suppress it and I've been doing a good job, but tonight just SUCKS. I'm lonely, but there's only one person I want to talk to or be around and I promised myself that I'd back off. It's funny because there are guys here that would love my attention, but I'm so hung up on someone so far away that probably doesn't even give a rat's ass. I have no desire to look at another man or talk to any other than the 3 guys that I love the most (besides my sons, of course). Everybody is happy and I'm just blah. My stomach hurts again. It's going to be another long night. Alone.

Blissful sneezes

It was another fantastic day where everything just felt as though it fit together. I have been so happy the past two days and I know that it will continue if I can keep up the positive attitude. Maybe I'm (very slowly) becoming myself again! My Sarah continues to make me so proud that at times, I feel like I could burst from love. I AM becoming me again! It's the first time in a long time where I don't feel numb, and happiness is a reality... and I feel that with this attitude, I can conquer ANYTHING! It's late and I'm tired so it's bedtime for me. Maybe I'll actually add to this at Jude's 5am feeding... but don't hold your breath...

I'm thankful for:

1. My children
2. My friends
3. A positive attitude
4. The prospect of having insurance
5. Fewer allergies to horses (this is kinda huge for me right now!)

And so it goes...

As Jude is napping peacefully in his new crib (which Sarah and I put together yesterday... I thank God for that kid and her ability to follow directions), I'll try and update this quickly before he wakes up. Yesterday was hard, VERY hard. I came dangerously close to pushing away a friendship that means the world to me. Thankfully, after talking to my brother for a few hours last night, I woke up with such a heavy heart and I immediately put myself in check. I CANNOT continue to treat someone with resentment for doing what he needed to do to make his life better. I've been in that position and it's miserable. I love him, and I'm not going to spend one more second berating him for his choices. Everyone makes mistakes, but when an apology is sincere, that's all that should matter. Live and learn. If it's meant to be, then it'll happen again in the future when my head is right and I'm much better for him. With that said, I feel like something has awakened inside of me. It's been a good day.

I saw my counselor again on Monday and when she asked how I had been over the week, I held nothing back. If I lie about how I'm feeling or my lack of ability to cope, then I'll never get any better and life will stay at this plateau of shit. I make myself miserable, and I know for a fact that I've made one of the few people that actually matters to me, miserable as well. That defeats the purpose of going to counseling. I don't want to waste her time or mine, so I figure that honesty (as always) is the best policy. Cliche, but true. This time wasn't so bad, I barely cried at all and she offered encouragement which really does help. It's strange for me to hear encouragement and compliments. She remarked on how I don't know how to act when treated kindly... that's pretty sad. Just one more thing to work on. My "homework" for the week was to write a list of 50 things that I like about myself. My first reaction was that this is a rather ridiculous thing to do. I barely have time to myself to write this! My second thought was that there is no way that I can come up with 5 good things, let alone 50... and after much thought, I've only been able to come up with 2. It's amazing to me that I can handle so much that life throws at me (even though I think I can't handle one more thing... until the next thing comes along) but this little assignment has stopped me dead in my tracks and makes me feel panicky. I have this overwhelming fear of letting people down, especially the people that want to help me. Somehow, I have to come up with 48 more quality traits for her, and that scares the shit out of me. I don't want her to think that I'm not serious about getting better or that I am unappreciative of her suggestions. She says I can ask friends and family for help, but I'm not going to do that. I have a hard time with a stranger complimenting me... I don't want to force other people to do it too. Ahh, the life of being mind fucked! Doesn't it just sound like so much fun?

I have decided to finally go on an antidepressant. I've fought it for years, but I think now is the time to do it. I always felt that it was just a quick fix to mask problems, but eventually you have to face those problems anyway so what's the point? The way my counselor explained it to me made much more sense. She says it's more like a bandaide for people that deal with things like this. It will help me to fight the depression so that the layers of pain, anger, and shame can be lifted one by one through our talks. I believe that it will help greatly and at this point, I'm so focused on getting my life back, that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that goal. It's going to be a low dose, but it'll help me want to get out of bed everyday and that's huge for me. I have a life, but I hate the life I have. I have no choice but to change my thought patterns that have been programmed into me for the past few years, or I will die a very sad lady. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in misery, and if I did, then I will have let Brian accomplish what he set out to do. My life was and is a game to him. If I continue to let his words break me down, then he will have won and I might as well jump off of a bridge.

My children don't think I'm worthless. In fact, they think I'm amazing and the opinions of Sarah, Emma, Aiden, Jack, and Jude, are all that should matter to me. I was given the responsibility of molding them into happy, intelligent, responsible little people and though I may not be able to do that on a daily basis, I have to set the example. As I'm writing this and thinking about my little blessings, I realize that that piece of shit that called himself a man, is really the one who has nothing. If I look at it closely enough, I realize that I'm the one that has everything. He can't be a father to his children. There are laws that will eventually keep him away from Jack, there is so much protection here on Jude that he'll never be able to get close to him in any way, and his daughter thinks that another man is her father. When it all boils down to it, children are what make worth living. Being a parent is such a gift and even though I don't get to see Emma, Aiden, and Jack everyday, I will always be their mother and that's something that NO ONE can take away. I will be with them all again one day, and he'll still never be able to. That right there puts a smile on my face. I know that I've been a good mother, I know that I'm a good person, and I know that I've told the truth through and through... and THAT makes me the winner here.

Thinking about the kids makes me miss the old days very much, but the old days also came with a lot of pain. The new days are what I' m trying to look forward to. Sarah had her first horse show of the summer last Friday, and though I'm proud of her everyday, I could literally feel myself beaming pride as I watched my first born hop up on her horse. She's worked so hard and it shows and as I watched her ride Taz, I was tearing up because I'd missed so much of her young life. She is such an amazing young woman, and it's hard to know that she's becoming less of my little girl, and more of her own person. I hope that she is as proud of herself as I am of her. One good thing that I can say about living here, is that I get to be with her almost everyday. I miss her on the weekends when she's at the farm, but I look forward to when she gets home. A few nights ago, we stayed awake until almost 2 and just talked. That's a memory that I'll keep forever. She's my saving grace and I can't tell you how much I thank God for her... for all of them.

Jude is beginning to stir in his sleep so I know that it's time to wrap this up. It was nice having some "me" time and now it's back to reality, but today, that's a good thing. God bless!

I'm thankful for:

1. My children
2. A saved friendship
3. The bitch slap of reality

A couple of my poems

Scars

I see someone smile
I think, why can't that be me?
I wonder what their life is like
And in my mind I see
Years full of hated
A destroyed family
All because of someone
Who could never love me

A prince at first glance
He showed me the world
And little by little
Took away everything I loved
Though I wanted to be the very best I could
Nothing seemed to change, even though it should

So many times I tried
To make him understand
That his words cut to the bone
He claimed to be a man
To the children that saw me cry
I can never take it back
But mommy is safe now
Trying to get my life on track

Did he know what he was doing?
Was I really that bad?
All these years I questioned everything
Enough to drive me mad
And now I find it hard to trust
The little things in life
Will I ever get to know love
Or be a happy wife?

Is there someone out there for me
Who can understand?
And maybe take me by the hand
And prove to be a man
See I don't know if that's possible
Because no matter how hard I try
I see his face burnt my mind
And inside I slowly die

He took away my memories
Of happiness and love
He made me question everything
Even God above
Now everyday I awaken
To a new day, a new start
Then I step outside into the world
With these scars upon my heart


Another Day

Lightening crashes around us
It's been a long day
My eyes shut tight
As you lie next to me
You sleep it away

Nothing happened
It's all in your head
You know that I love you
The words that he said
I'm sorry, it won't happen again
It's just another day
Always the same end

Thunder rolling
He walks through the door
She's careful not to leave
A spec of dust on the floor
Everything is perfect
In her simple mind
All he wants is a perfect wife

Nothing happened
It's all in your head
You know that I love you
The words that he said
I said that I'm sorry
He holds me tight
Another day, a terrifying night

Her arms stretched out
To the child in so much pain
They're sure to be quiet
But he's at it again
Mother says that he loves us
She'll keep them safe
Someone comes and rips them away

Nothing happened
It's all in your head
No one will believe you
The words that he said
You're nothing without me
Inside I feel dead
Another day, I pray for an end

She's pushed to the floor
Screams out loud
Protects the child inside
But he's so proud
The man of the house
The scared little girl
Curled up in the closet
Safest place in her world

I can't pretend nothing happened
It's not all in your head
He'll never love you
The words that I said
Take life and run now
Or you'll end up dead
It was just another day, but it was the end

Tonight, I'm lonely.

Everyone leaves

For the past 9 months, he was a part of my life. It wasn't daily at first, but I felt an immediate connection. From the first time we spoke, I felt that he was put in my life for a reason. I didn't know much about him, and it wasn't until December, that he began to open up. In those nine months, he went from being an acquaintance, to a good friend, to my boyfriend, and during the time that we were together, he became my best friend. I've been able to tell him anything and everything and not once did he judge me.

He was kind enough to fly all the way to IN, help me pack an entire house (with a few naps here and there), then proceeded to move almost everything I owned including some ridiculously heavy furniture onto a uhaul. Seeing as I was 6 months pregnant at the time, I helped as much as he would allow, but he didn't allow much. And then he drove that damn truck from IN to OH. Never in my life, have I met someone so wonderful that would do that for me let alone anyone else. He showed me that there are still good men out there when I had lost all hope. I won't go into detail, but in many ways, I owe my life to him.

I felt in my heart that God sent him for me. I still do and that's the sad part. I can't convince someone that things would work out. I don't know if letting go is the right thing. I don't want to lose that friendship, but after becoming more than a friend to me, I can't go back. I didn't fall in love overnight. It took me a good while to get to that point but when I did finally fall, I hit hard. So now what do I do with a heart that is so full of love for someone that I can't have anymore? I don't want to lose him, but I can't bear the thought of being a friend and then at some point seeing him with someone else. I've been there before and I can't go through that again.

I gave God everything that I could. I gave Him my life and I trusted in Him that no matter what I was going through, He would see me through. So what good does it do to take away another person that I love? Why does He put people in my life only to take them away? I miss my children so much, do I really have to lose him too? I know this is my choice, but I don't think I could handle it. I want so badly to be loved and for someone to fight for me, just this once. I doubt this makes any sense to anyone else, but love, if you read this... I will miss you forever. I wish that it could be different. My heart aches without you and I'm afraid that it will for some time. I won't forget you. Thank you for everything that you've done for me.

I should be asleep

I vaguely remember what being "normal" felt like. I get glimpses of it on occasion, but really, I'm back to living day to day, just trying to find something that makes the day worth living. I'm so far gone from who I used to be. I still keep that fire burning inside that I will find myself again. I've reconnected with an old friend, whom because of Brian's jealousy, I was not allowed to talk to for some time. He kept reminding me that he believes me to be "the most awesome woman he's ever met". It has been two years since we were last able to see each other. The only reason I could, was because at that time, Brian was cheating heavily during his time with the Wounder Warriors Battalion at the National Naval Hospital in Bethesda, MD, and we had split up. This was a period of time that I try not to think about because it can still be quite painful if I think about the words that he said to me. The physical acts against me are healing little by little, but the words... God, they're enough to bring me to my knees some days.

As we were talking, and I was telling Andrew what happened that led to Brian's arrest, I kept saying things like "stupid me, I should have kept my mouth shut", and "it's my fault that the kids are gone"... I kept taking the blame. For the first time, someone put it into perspective and a light went on... It wasn't my fault! In a normal relationship, we should be able to speak our minds and not have fear of being punished for it. We should be able to communicate. I never thought of it like that. I was constantly told that "that wouldn't have happened, if you didn't say that, do that". It's ironic that shortly after that epiphany struck me, I am once again blaming myself for another failed relationship. No matter how much I'm told something isn't my fault, it's like I'm programmed now to automatically take the blame and feel like complete shit for it.

I was born in the wrong era. I belong back in the 50's, when a woman was sought after for marriage and no matter what, the majority of those relationships lasted come hell or high water. The times were much more innocent... and the cars were far more bad ass! Maybe it was because morals were much higher (not that I'm one who should be preaching about that), or because there was simply less temptation to stray from loved ones. I don't know, but to me, the thought of having a specific role as a mother and a wife has such appeal to me. I long for that simplicity.

Love is a tricky thing. I believe it is the most powerful emotion in existence. The range alone of the emotion can't be described. We've all felt it wax and wan like the cycle of the moon, or the ebb of a tide. It's powerful, it's beautiful, it's devastating. Love is the drug that can make a person, and consequently, also break a person. I am very much broken.

I'm a fighter and I don't walk away easily. It took me almost 4 years, at least 10 affairs, and countless periods of sadness, to finally walk away from Brian. Sadly, I will admit that after Brian's arrest in November, he sucked me back into his vortex of shit a month later. I spent most of December back in the arms of my abuser. I was living in a place where I didn't know anyone but my father-in-law, and he refused to speak to me. Brian was back to his charming, apologetic self, and I was back to being the idiot that believed that he was changing. It didn't take long to realize that I was very much in danger again, and it was time to get out of dodge. It may seem like no accomplishment to you, but I haven't spoken to him since December 29, 2009... which was his 26th birthday. It was the last time he threatened that if I didn't do something, he would end his life. I simply replied with "what's stopping you?". Maybe a small part of me takes pride in being that strong, but then again, I was in Ohio at the time so it's not like he was going to show up at my doorstep.

Travis and I began talking in September of 2009. I immediately felt a bond, and that's strange for me because I DO NOT trust people, especially people I had just "met". Even now, when I'm so far away from Brian and the crap that he did to me, I have a very hard time trusting people. I am the type of person that puts it all out there (if you haven't noticed) and I believe that honesty is the best policy. Even if that honesty may hurt someone's feelings, I'd rather be blunt and tell it like it is, than lie to someone. If there was one thing that I lost in my marriage and then regained, it's my honesty. You'd think that I'd attract people like that, but apparently not. Maybe he just didn't want to hurt my feelings or maybe I just suck at life. I don't know.

I hate not being able to openly talk about something that is important to me and I'm sick of hearing "I'm sorry". Maybe I hate hearing that because I've heard it so much after getting thrown around my home or learning of another lie. Maybe those words can't possible mean anything to me anymore because they meant absolutely nothing when they've been said to me in the past. Here's an idea... say you're sorry, and then fix what you're sorry about. Don't allow those words to be your crutch. Face the decisions that you've made that impacted another person's life and work them out. Give it a chance. I don't just give up even though God knows how badly I want to at times. When it comes to love, I fight. I fought for my marriage, I fought for my children, and I lost. At some point, the pattern has to stop and I have to start winning. You can't make someone love you, but if they really do love you, then nothing should stand in the way of making it work.

I decided to do my yoga at 1am. Not a stellar idea since I'm wide awake now. I thought that maybe by clearing my mind and some deep breathing, I would calm down, my heart would be at ease, and I could fall into a peaceful slumber. It's proving to be quite the opposite. I have so many body image issues that lately, I've been pushing myself to look like I did before Jude came along. Though I look at him and feel very blessed for him... I really miss being that size 6. I'm starting to wonder if that will ever come back. For some stupid reason, I feel like if I don't look that way again, I'll never be able to be loved. I worked so hard to look the way that Brian wanted me to, and it didn't really matter. Blah... I'm a mess. Tomorrow is another day, another chance to get it right. I'm praying for a change of heart and a better day. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and maybe someday, I won't be so far away from my loved ones.

Just when I thought things were looking up... life flipped a bitch

I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. Yesterday was my first day back in counseling, and it was excruciating. The first appointment is always the hardest. That's where you have to fill out tons of paperwork to determine the type of abuse you experienced and of course the millions of questions that you have to answer.

It's amazing how I had blocked so much out. I stopped thinking so much about the things that had happened. The feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness... those are still there almost everyday, but as far as the actual acts of violence, I began to shut those out after Jude was born. Maybe I was so busy with the baby that I didn't have time to think about it, or maybe I was just finally moving past it. Either way, the only time it was on my mind was when I would have nightmares about it. My appointment yesterday, brought it all back. Needless to say, it was an emotional and exhausting day, and I wasn't the most pleasant to talk to.

Today just sucks. Travis is gone now and that's the end. I've been hurt for the last time. If I keep people away, then they can't hurt Jude and me. I'm angry as hell that someone could change their mind so many times and cause pain again. I'm pissed that I allowed that to happen. I know I'm not the easiest person to be with, but I'm honest and I would've given the world to him if I could have. That's just who I am and it sucks when it's not enough. I think that an adult should know what they can and can't handle. Of course, this is coming from a woman that can't handle another break up. I hate the irony of it. Just as I can blame him for hurting me, really it's my fault for allowing it to happen. I gave my heart to someone and trusted that it would end happily. I believed his words because I love him. Lesson learned.

Now I have to make it through day to day. I want so badly to be able to plan out a future again. I really thought that I had found my Prince Charming. Fuck! How could I have been so stupid?

Here's the deal...

This is a blog. For those who are unfamiliar with what a blog is, I'll explain it to you... it's an online diary or journal where people can share their thoughts, experiences, hobbies, or they can even use it to piss time away much like a status update on freakin' Facebook, only longer. Got it? This is MY blog and I have chosen to use it to journal MY life and MY experiences. If there is someone who is reading my blog and it offends them... there's a beautiful thing called personal choice. You may want to exercise that personal choice and choose to NOT read MY blog.

With that said, I feel the need to apologize to my mother who felt victimized by a past entry, that out of respect, I have deleted. I didn't mean to cause any pain, but this is how I deal with feelings. At times, I have felt very overwhelmed with what has happened in my life over the past 3 years and this has been the best way for me to "talk" about it. I haven't been able to open up to people since I had to move away from my counselor and my support group. When I could talk to her about it or to other women that have gone through the exact same thing, every week, I left feeling much stronger. I lost that when I moved here. I'm sorry. I realize that everyone has their own problems and everyone deals with them in their own ways... this is how I deal with them, though I haven't really dealt with mine, I've only let them take over my life which has caused much misery to myself and my family. Hence the previous blog where I talked of dealing with things, getting back into counseling, and making a better life for my kids and myself. I've been emotionally unstable, and I'm choosing to take the steps in getting better, so that I can focus on getting a job, being a better mother, and moving on in life.

I was told tonight to "just let it go". Excellent advice. I'll be sure to get right on that. Hell, I don't know why I didn't just think of that! I'll just let it go and POOF it's gone! Ready, set, GO... nope, didn't work. There must be something really wrong with me. Excuse my sarcasm, but if it were that easy, I'd be a hell of a lot further than I am at this point. It seems as though my intelligence has been confused with stupidity.

I knew on November 4th, that my life was going to get REALLY hard. I had been living with and dealing with Brian and his crap for years, I was used to it. It may sound pathetic that a person can actually get used to that kind of life, but it became routine. It wasn't always bad, in fact a lot of the time it was okay. Abuse goes in cycles and it can vary between being happy for a week to a year and then BAM, shit hits the fan and you're back in hell. Our "happy time" was usually for a couple months and then it would go bad for a short time, then back to good. Abuse, for a lack of better term, is a mind fuck. That's how they control you. There is ALWAYS a honeymoon phase. During that time, I was made to believe that he was sorry, that it was ptsd or stress, or even that I caused him to react that way, to which I would take the blame and work extra hard to make him happy. I was always promised that he would get help and that it would never happen again. I was treated lovingly, respectfully, and showered with gifts and affection. Sometimes, he wouldn't slip back into the "normal" for several weeks. Even the normal was tolerable, and that could last for months until the dark clouds started to hover and the tension became thick... which was always followed by a massive eruption. It's a vicious cycle, and I, like most women, got caught up in the thinking that since it got better last time, it'll get better again.

Brian used the children, mostly Jack, to keep me around. He rationalized that if we could be a family and that if he continued to get help (which he was getting at the veteran's hospital when he strangled me for the last time), that we would get custody of Jack back. I AM an intelligent woman, but common sense has never been one of my strong points and I was desperate to get my son back.

We moved to IN because Jack was living with Brian's dad and step-mom, and the deal was that once they got custody, we would all go to court and they would sign custody back over to us. It was a deal that was well known to all parties in Jack's case and there was no objection. I was actually told by my lawyer that this was the way to go. Brian had shown huge signs of improvement and even became strongly faithful to God (or so I thought) and we were baptized in our church together. I had no reason to think that things would fall apart again.

Jack began living with us full time again, and Brian had stable employment and was in treatment. I was going to school part-time and working part-time as well at my school, though my job was only temporary and I was to be "laid off" in November until business picked back up in January when the winter semester began. Life was good. He was making great money between his job at the hospital and his VA benefits. Jack and I depended on him financially. We jointly leased a beautiful house, my car was in his name, he had the bank account (which I wasn't on) so he was in control of everything. When that tension period began in late September, it was then that I was thinking that I needed to get out, but as things started becoming miserable, I was reminded that I had nothing on my own, and I couldn't make it without him... not to mention, Jack's fate as far as custody, was ultimately in his hands since the baby was with Brian's family. I had no control over the situation and I felt that there was no way out and I had to sit back and watch everything unravel... and unravel, it did. Quickly.

The reason for that long, drawn out explanation, is that there is a reason why women stay. For me, I had vowed long ago that my previous marriage had failed because of me, and I wasn't going to let my relationship with Brian end in failure. I fell in love with a very different and charming man. Had I known that he was such a monster, of course I would have never gotten into even a friendship with him. He was very charming, very sincere (I thought), and seemed almost too good to be true. In my support group, I quickly learned that these other women felt the same way about their abusers. Once you fall in love with someone, it's not easy to walk away, especially if that person has been completely "mind fucking" you since day one. I began to feel like the problem was me, not him. It seemed as though I could never do anything right and I was constantly working to make him happy. Looking back, I realize that I became a completely different person between the beginning of the relationship, to the end. I can tell you that who I was then, was a much happier person that who I am now. I will get that woman back... it will take time, but she's still there. I just wanted him to love us... the kids and I. I wish I could some how make people understand what I'm saying. They're just words that you read on a computer screen, it's black and white here... but there is so much more to it. It's one of those things that I believe you have to live in order to understand. If that's the case, I'd rather none of you understand because I wouldn't want any of my family or friends to live it.

I don't write this for people to feel sorry for me. In fact, if that's how you feel about me, than I'd rather you stop reading now, and never look at this again. My ultimate goal, as far as what I want to do with my life, is to be able to educate and counsel women, young and old, about the signs of abuse and how to get out, stay out, and never end up in that kind of relationship again. I write because in the time that it takes for me to get this out, I end up feeling a little stronger when I'm done. The more that I can feel that strength, the more it will cultivate a more powerful woman. That power, will get me out of this rut, will make me emotionally stable, eventually leading to financial stability. As I become to realize that his words were bullshit, that I'm NOT worthless, that I CAN do it on my own... I've won. I've won my life back and it WILL be a million times better than I've ever known it to be.

I use the term "victim" because that is what I'm classified as when it comes to getting the support I need to overcome this shit. Just because I admit to being a "victim" doesn't mean that that is my forever title. When it came to my OB care during pregnancy, I had to make it known that I was a "victim" of domestic abuse. There is a reason for making doctors and hospital staff aware of that. Did I want to talk about it with the giggidy-billion different people I had to come in contact with through different doctor's offices and hospitals between here and Indiana? No, I would have rather explained it once, had it documented from the get go. I was content to share it with my counselor and those women in my group, but that was it. There was concern for Jude, there was concern for my security, and because for a while I didn't see just one doctor... you get the idea. I'm not a fan of most doctors so I they didn't exactly make me feel comfortable. It's far easier for me to talk here where I don't feel eyes on me like I'm being judged. Go figure.

Being a victim, doesn't mean that I feel sorry for myself (though I've had my moments, but the word isn't being used with negative connotation) or that I don't accept my role in losing my children. I didn't leave because I felt that I couldn't. I felt a responsibility to hold a family together, when really all that I did was allow it to fall apart. I see things clearly now because I'm out of that relationship. It's like I'm looking at everything through a glass window and I can see it all so clearly now. I couldn't see it like this from the inside. I can't explain it any better than that. It happened, but I'm not milking this for sympathy. I'm using this as a tool to regain who I was. I'm thankful that I live in a country where I can do this, I can write and I can choose to go back and look at these entries as time goes on and see improvement. I can already see that strength in me, and realize that all hope is not lost.

So this is why I blog... it's not to hurt anyone. I'm thankful for the good days with my family. If I can't make my mother realize why I'm doing this, how I've felt, and how I want my life to be, then there's nothing I can do about that. I'm sorry that we butt heads (heh, I said butt head), but we BOTH have to give a little to get a little. I am thankful for all they have done for my children, and for me. I haven't made her life easy by any means, and I've put my parents through more hell than I care to admit, but I'm trying to get better. I have to heal, and that's not something that can happen overnight. It took me a long time to get away from him, it's going to take some time to become who I was again. I went through 3 years of hell... and it's only been 7 months since it ended. I'm past the grieving stage as far as Brian is concerned. I feel nothing for him (nothing good anyway). I no longer miss him, or hope that someday he will try to come back just so I can tell him off and make him realize what he's done to my children and to me... I don't ever want to see his face or hear his voice for the rest of my life. That alone, is a HUGE step, but sadly it's not considered that at home. I understand where she's coming from, I just wish that she could understand where I'm coming from. I'm physically free now, but emotionally and mentally, it takes time. I'm extremely lucky that Travis understands and is so patient with me because God knows, I don't always make it easy on him. With that said, it's time for me to get to bed because my appointment is early tomorrow.

I'm thankful for:

1. My children
2. My parents and their generosity
3. Travis and his understanding
4. Those that have been through this and understand every word
5. Forgiveness

"I have learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do
is be someone that can be loved. The rest is up to them."

To quote the infamous Ice Cube, "today was a good day"

The past few days have been looking up. There has been no fighting, no crying, no feelings of hopeless desperation for a life that has been lost... it's been more upbeat than I've felt in a while. I'm trying my best to look at the little things in life and be more thankful for them. Though I don't have my children, I am lucky that my ex husband has agreed to let them visit for a few weeks in July. I am thrilled that I'll get to feel their small, but strong arms wrap around my neck again as they hug me, and call me mommy. I long to be able to embrace my sweet little Jack, but for now, that can't happen and I feel very blessed to have the connection with Emma and Aiden. I'm devastated that I can't even communicate with Jack and I fear that he doesn't know who I am anymore, but am still very blessed to be able to talk to Emma and Aiden over the phone most days. I will take what I can get and be thankful because I know that my time with Jack will come again and I will do everything in my power to restore the bond that has been broken.

I am thankful for my friends, and am learning to get back in the swing of being sociable again. I am feeling less like I want to shut people out because of my own insecurities, and talk openly about what's been going on. That's a huge step for me at this point. Things with my mother have been better the past few days as well, and I will do my best to keep it that way. It makes for less stress on all of us, as for now, we have no other choice but to coexist. I know it isn't easy on my parents to have their 29 year old daughter and their 7 week old grandson living under their roof. I need to remember that they had good intentions by asking me to move back home so I could have the baby and we could be safe. Yes, it's a whole new life, but life can't get better if I'm stuck in the past and constantly dwelling on what I no longer have. I'm young, and I will someday have my own home, and a happy life again, but no one can make that happen other than myself.

Tomorrow I have my first counseling at the domestic abuse crisis center. I've been trying to get in since I'd moved here in January, but for some reason, they never returned my phone calls. I did let them know how discouraged and upset I was that the only place for me to turn for help (seeing as though I had no insurance and I WAS a victim of abuse) wasn't in fact there to help. This will be the first time that I've had counseling since January, when I still lived in Indiana. Once again, I'm thankful that it's available to me now. I know that I couldn't get through all the bullshit if I couldn't get the help. At least I'm smart enough to realize that. I don't want to continue living in fear and hopelessness and I'm taking abuse by the balls and ripping it out of my life... if only I had done that to Brian!

I am thankful that I had "girl time" today with my friend, Kara. It was so nice to be out of the house and actually laughing again! I used to be with friends all the time, even if it just meant sitting and shooting the shit at each others houses... I was content. I'll always be thankful for Jen and for all the times that she would sit and listen or cry with me because of what I had gone through. God knew that I would need these strong women and he put them in my path at just the right times in life. Jen, Kara, and Beth... thank you from the bottom of my heart! I only hope that I am as good of a friend to you as you are to me.

I was cleaning my room when I decided to take a break and update this, so I should probably get back to the task at hand before I decide that laziness is much more appealing than being productive, but I have a new project that I will begin working on soon. As I was trying to fill out parts of Jude's baby book (something that I've tried to do since the day after he was born), I realized how sad it is for me. The traditional baby book includes page upon page of spaces to involve information on the father, beginning with his name, hobbies, etc, and ending with a whole page dedicated to a note from him. In Jude's case, I'd rather not have to put anything about Brian or our relationship in there. The day I found out I was pregnant, things were good. He had just come home from work, and as he was playing with Jack, I handed him the positive pregnancy test with terrified tears in my eyes. I wasn't sure how he would react and I sure as hell wasn't thrilled about having another child. To my surprise, he was excited and gave me a big hug... we all know it went down hill from there. Beyond that moment, aside from one OB appointment, he wasn't involved. I went to my first ultrasound alone, I was alone for all of my OB appointments... you get the point. So I'm writing my own baby book. It will exclude the traditional spots for the father. In my case, and I suspect in the case of many other women facing this dilemma, it was my family and friends who earned those places in Jude's baby book and I intend to involve them in his life from the baby years and as he grows to be a man. The world is changing and single mothers are becoming far more traditional than those who parent with a spouse or significant other. We'll see how it goes, but please keep me in your prayers as I work this out... as I work all of this out. Now... back to cleaning.

I'm thankful for:

1. My children
2. Travis
3. My friendships
4. Counseling
5. A safe place for Jude and I
6. Creative ingenuity

"I have learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we
feel. That either you control your attitude or it controls you."

One day at a time...

I'm trying my hardest. It's been six months since I put Brian in jail. I keep thinking that I should be further than this, I should be stronger. People keep telling me that I'm a strong woman... I hate when they say that. I want to scream at them for paying me such a compliment. I'm not strong, I'm just alive. I was 25 when I met him. Now at 29, I've lost everything that was so dear to me.

I am a mother of five beautiful children, and I only see two of them everyday. I haven't seen Emma and Aiden for almost seven months, and it's been almost as long since I've seen Jack. My heart breaks for those children. Not only did they lose their mother because I was too afraid to walk away from the abuse, they also witnessed it on more occasions that I care to admit. I wasn't strong then because I didn't protect them.

I thought that I could hold our family together. I thought that maybe if I could change, that he would love me again... that he would love us, and get the help that he needed to become the man that I fell in love with. I wasn't strong then, and I'm sure as hell not any stronger now. I tried so hard these past six months, to let the anger go and not hold hate in my heart. I have failed miserably at that. It's so unfair that a man (or a person in general) can hurt a woman and children, and then go about living life carefree. I think about Jude, and how easily his life could have been ended when I was strangled. I think about Jack, having to see his mother brought to the floor in front of him, by the very hands that claimed to love him so much. Emma and Aiden still ask me if "Daddy Brian" is making mommy cry. I simply reply with "no, mommy is safe now"... but am I?

I never wanted to be a victim. I fought that title tooth and nail for a long time. I made excuses for his behavior because I didn't want people to know what he was doing to me.
In March 2009, he broke his hand on my body and as I drove him to the ER, I was conjuring up a string of lies in my head to tell the doctor. "He fell down the stairs carrying a laundry basket". That sounded like it could pass as a true story. In November, I had had enough. I was no longer going to be a punching bag... physically or emotionally.

Life now, is not a life at all. I look back and realize everything that I had taken for granted. I think about my kids and how much time I wasted, because I was so depressed. I think about the times that my then, 4 year old Emma, consoled her mother as I lay crumpled up on the floor in tears because I had found out about another woman. My sweet little Aiden tried to protect me at the tender age of 3. And then baby Jack was barely ever held by the father that told me to abort him when I was only a few months pregnant... because he was having an affair with both his ex-wife, and another woman named Kristin. I look at sweet Jude, and thank God that his life was spared, and that he will never have to know the pain that Emma, Aiden, and Jack will carry with them for the rest of their lives.

So what does life after abuse look like? I can't speak for others, I only know what I struggle with. For me, as time goes on, I miss him less (I finally now, don't miss him at all), but his words are still ringing loudly in my head. If I should feel accomplished about anything, it would be that I did finally end the abuse, and Jude and I are safe, but honestly, I am still very fearful. I have nightmares almost every night, where I'm being strangled. I have gotten used to them, but at times, it can get so intense that I wake up, gasping for air, and tears streaming down my face. I find it difficult to look in the mirror and smile at what I see. At times, I barely recognize the face that stares back at me. I miss my children so much that I can literally feel my heart break and my breath taken away. I struggle daily with depression and feelings of worthlessness because I was told for so long that I was in fact, worthless. I don't trust anyone but I'm working on that.

That's all just the beginning of what my life after abuse is like. Sometimes, I think that he was right, that I really AM crazy. I feel more like a burden to people than anything else. It's hard to be a good friend because more and more, I find that I'm turning inward, instead of reaching out to people and being able to talk to them. I feel that everyone has problems, and mine should be my own. I'm lucky to have a few good friends that I can somewhat let on to about how low I feel... but it's hard to muster up the courage to do so. I feel so ashamed that I live like this. I could have stopped it sooner, but I was afraid. I have found love again, with a wonderful man, but sometimes I think I'm pushing him away because I've been trained to think that I'm a waste of time, space, and energy. It's hard for me to understand why anyone would love me.

I promise that these blogs will become more positive over time... but tonight, I'm feeling down. I want to be happy, and maybe someday I will be. I have lost more than I will ever gain, but I am thankful for the few things that I still have. This is a place where I can vent, and not feel like a burden or like I'm being judged. I want to make it a point to list what I'm thankful for at the end of these blogs. Hopefully over time, the list will grow... but for now it's a rather small list...

1. My children
2. Travis