Full Circle

I can't sleep. I'm tired, and I should be passed out, but once again, there's too much running through my head and maybe if I get it out I'll be able to drift off. I've come to the conclusion that I have to let go. I can't hold onto the shit that I've been through anymore and I absolutely can't continue to use it as an excuse to live the way I have been. This depression will never ease up if I can't move on. The crap that Brian did was traumatic. I won't deny that I'll have to deal with it for the rest of my life, however, it's over now. I got what I wanted and that was a life without him in it. I can never erase the memories of what he's done and I can never change that part of my life, but I can learn from it, overcome it, and actually live. That's something that I haven't allowed myself to do. There is a lot of guilt and that's something that I may have to deal with for a while still, but it will ease up. I'm in counseling and I have a job. Things are looking up.

I realized today that I've been so destructive to myself and the ones that I love. I have been a terrible friend because I've pushed everyone away. I do have abandonment issues that I finally saw clearly for the first time today. I had a best friend that I love with all of my heart, and I've (hopefully temporarily) done damage because I've spent so long pushing him away that he finally had enough of my shit. The sad thing is that it's taken me this long and gotten to this point that I can see what I've been doing to him for months. I've put the blame on him, where it should be mostly placed on myself. I have to let go of the fear that everyone will leave. It's so unhealthy and if I keep it up, I'll never have what I really want. Call me crazy (actually don't) but someday, I really want to get married again. I loved being a wife, it made me feel like I was part of something wonderful... except for the whole abuse thing. I'll never have any real relationship again if I live in fear of loving someone and them leaving. Not everyone is out to hurt me. That asshole really did a number on me, but I don't have to continue to let his words and his actions dictate how I live or what I feel.

I'm not sure if this makes sense to anyone other than me. I know what I'm trying to say, but I don't know if it's coming across clearly. For the first time in a long time, I really feel like things are working out in my favor. I may have pushed away someone that I love, but in doing so, I've learned a lot about myself and what I have to change. I'm thankful that I have counseling so that I'm able to work through my issues. I've got time on my side and I can see a future. I finally have a job and I actually look forward to being there. It's the first time in years that I feel like I'm actually accomplishing something which in turn, makes me feel that I have self worth. I'm able to see Emma and Aiden again, and I have a fantastic relationship with their dad and I never thought he'd forgive me for the mess I'd made. I am so thankful for him and I hope that someday I can show him that. I wake up to my baby boy and my beautiful daughter... yeah, life is good. In my cloud of depression, I've failed to see how much I have to be thankful for. It's a good feeling.

I've wasted so much time on this crap that I've been sorting through. It seems like just yesterday that Jude was born, and it's hard to believe that he's already 4 months old. Summer has come and gone and fall is just around the corner. I feel like I've been living in a dark room and life has sped by without me being involved. I don't want to lose any more time on this. I'm ready to give it up. There are still days when I get really angry about the past, but there's nothing I can do to change it. I will get that friendship back and it will be better than before because now I understand what I've done wrong. I know that the love will be there because luckily, God has placed very understanding and forgiving people in my path. Life goes on...

Once upon a time
I had faith
There was a God that I loved
And He loved me back

Once upon a time
I had a life
It was full of happiness
And I smiled

Once upon a time
I saw a light
In the depth of darkness
A baby in my arms

Once upon a time
I had hope
Maybe he'd get better
But then he abandoned us

Once upon a time
I gave up
The light not as bright
The stars gave up on me

Rock bottom

I can't wrap my brain around the way life works. I feel like a bird in a cage. Birds are meant to fly free, but we keep them as pets in small spaces rather than the vast wide open that God created for them to soar in. I often look at our parakeets and feel sorry for them. Maybe they don't know that they're supposed to be outside, maybe all they know is being in that cage where they are paid little attention. In the morning they have the cover lifted from their cage and at night, it's placed back over them. That's how I feel. As stupid as it sounds, I feel like I'm in a cage and I'll never get out. In the morning my cover is removed and at night, it's replaced. There is no meaning in this life that I'm creeping through, I just exist right now.

If everything happens for a reason, then what reason could God give me that would make this ok? Does He not see the pain that radiates through my heart and mind every day? If He's so loving then why can't anything good happen to me? It's not like I'm not trying to make my life better. I push through the shit every single day and to no avail. I go to sleep (when I can) and wake up to the very same life that I promised myself would be different the night before. I'm running out of reasons to hold on and I'm exhausted from the fight. Meanwhile, Brian lives the life that I should have, sans the felonies. He has been allowed to do whatever he pleases, and not pay any consequences. There is no justice ahead, just more freedom for him, more solitary confinement for me.

I would love to go back to school, to work, to be a mom, to have freedom in my life that everyone else I know has. It's not in the cards for me. I can't even drive my own damn car anymore. I have no release, so escape and it tears me apart everyday. But, the man that caused every bit of this, he's going back to school. He has someone, actually many people in his life that love him and don't believe he could harm a fly. He lies, cheats, steals, abandons and no one around him sees what I see, knows what I know. They're blind. There's nothing I can do about it and the helplessness sweeps over me like a tidal wave.

This is the result of abuse. This is what I've become because I wasn't strong enough or smart enough to walk away. I could have had a real life, but now I'm so far down and covered in so much sadness that I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is rock bottom and I don't know how to get up. I'm pushing away the people that love me because I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself. All I want for my life is love. That may seem stupid to you, but it's all I've ever wanted. When you have love, even when times get tough, you know that everything will be ok because there is someone that will hold your hand through it. I miss him so much, but all I've done recently is push him away. I'm so afraid that I'll never be good enough that he'll find someone new and then the last bit of hope that I have for anything will be gone.

He keeps saying that I can't depend on him for my happiness, but what he doesn't realize is that he was the last person to make me happy. I had hope of a better life with him in it, and though he's not gone, it's not the same now. Think what you want about me, I don't care. I'm through with caring what people think I should or shouldn't say. If this is the only way to stop the tears for the night, then I'll keep writing. I hate that I've become this shell of a person. I hate that my smiles are fake most of the time. I hate that I push people away because I'm too afraid to open up and become a burden like Brian said I was. I hate that I have to ask permission to do anything, I hate that I can't drive my car, I hate what Brian did and got away with, and I hate that I allowed it. I hate so many things, and I can list them all... ask me what I like, and I couldn't give you an answer. Not right now because I'm too low.

I want to see Jack. I want to be with all of the kids, don't get me wrong, but I miss my little man so much because I can't even talk to him. How could they shut his mother out like this? Without me, he wouldn't even exist. I ache for him. I don't understand how Brian is allowed to be with him and I can't even see a picture of him. He's my son too. If they wanted to see pictures of Jude, I would send them. I would do anything now just to talk to my baby. I don't know anything about him. I have no idea what he likes or dislikes, I don't remember what he sounds like, I don't remember his face and that's so fucking heart breaking. I'm not asking for the world, just for what's fair. It seems that no one cares about fair, as long as it looks legit. I would never allow an abuser to be with his child, and I would never shut out the mother that was trying to protect him.

My mind is a mess tonight. I shouldn't be here. I'm supposed to be with the people that I consider family, and I can't be. I'm still in Ohio where I vowed never to return to. I have friends here and I love them very much. I'm sorry for shutting you out, but please understand that I can't talk right now. It's easier to write about what's going on in my head than it is to sit face to face and talk about it. This way, I can't feel eyes on me. I don't feel like I could be judged from the words that I'm writing (though I know I am and at this point I don't really care) nor do I have to look into someones eyes and see the pain that they feel for me. No need, I feel sorry enough for myself, I don't want anyone else to. It doesn't do any good. This whole healing process isn't going as well as it probably should be at 9 months. God, just get me out of here.