Viva Revolution

I found this in my sent box. I'm proud of myself for having the balls to say this to him. I didn't take a stand for Jack, but I sure as hell wasn't going to make the same mistake for Jude.

Kristin Itnyre February 8, 2010 at 1:05am
I don't know why tonight is so hard. Most of the time, I'm fine, but then sometimes, I sit and feel so sorry for the little boy that kicks my ribs and hiccups a million times a day. I don't care who you show this to, because the truth is, none of them matter in my life now and never will. They believe your lies and that's something that only you will have to deal with in the future... not me, not ever again. It's not often that I think of you or wonder how you're doing, but on occasion I do still get sad at the thought that you probably never think about the baby that will be here in 8 weeks. I don't understand it, Brian. I don't know how you can walk around with the weight of your conscience. I miss my kids everyday to the point where it's hard to breathe at times, and yet, you're able to look at yourself in the mirror and carry on like you haven't done anything wrong. I used to feel sorry for you, and at times I'm angry that I no longer feel that compassion for someone that I feared I would never be able to stop loving. Does that mean that I'm becoming cold? I don't ever want to become that. I'm terrified that Jude will look anything like you. I love him so much already, but what if someday I look into his eyes and see yours? I don't know how I'll ever be able to explain all of this to him. Some days I get so angry at you that I feel like my head will explode. Most of the time, I can shrug off the fact that you don't care and that you really don't matter, but tonight, that anger is in full force as I try to settle down but can't because my son is trying to punch through my diaphragm. I have nightmares. It's your face I see, your eyes turning black when you're coming after me. When is life going to be normal? When does the anger stop and the forgiveness start? I'm so mad that while I'm here, pregnant and alone, you're living life like nothing matters. You've placed all the blame on me, you've made a fool out of me, and made fun of me. You've allowed your sons to become victims of a deadbeat father. You've made comments about the fact that I don't have my children, well Brian, where the fuck are you? Which one of your kids are you going to pay child support for or teach how to ride a bike, or to play baseball? When are you going to give up your act and be a man? While you spend your "disability" check on bullshit, have you even stopped to realize that Jude has nothing? Last week, I had to spend a few days in labor and delivery because I had a severe kidney infection. It wasn't a big deal, really. I spent a few days on IV antibiotics and fluids, and the baby was fine through all of it. He's a darling little shit, that even though he has no room in there, always manages to run away from the monitors. We made it through just fine. The sad part was having to be on labor and delivery, in a birthing room for a few days and realizing that when the time does come, you'll never know. No one will call you because you wouldn't want to know anyway. When he takes his first breath, he'll do so without a father. That makes me angry. What's the point to all of this? You're two faced so I'm sure that your whole family will know I wrote this, and you're trying to protect your lies, so I'm sure you'll show this to the scumbag lawyer that has to try and prove that you're a good person, just a veteran gone wrong. You and I, Brian, we know the truth. Whatever demons you battle, I'm sorry. If there had been a magic wand, I would've used it years ago. I made my mistakes. I didn't forgive when I could have, I didn't let go when I should have. I didn't trust you, but I loved you. If nothing else, I can take those lessons learned and use them in the future. I can be happy, and I'm getting there. I've moved on just like I told you I would. I didn't think it would be possible. The thought of never having you around, even though most of the time it was a nightmare, scared the shit out of me. Now, I'm thankful for all the little things that I have in life. I hope someday, someone helps you see those little things as well. Life isn't a party. You can't keep hurting people and not suffering the consequences. I still pray for you on occasion, but I'm proud to say that it's no longer for you to come back. Now when I think to, I pray for you to have an honest heart, for you to stay away from the pills and the booze, the crazy people, and the sluts, and to find the father in you. I'm strong now, stronger than I ever thought I could be, way stronger than you thought I could ever be. Your words still ring in my head, and they probably always will, but I work through it everyday. Just because you hated me, doesn't mean that everyone does and just because you didn't want me or the kids, or the responsibility, doesn't mean that other men wouldn't. I wash my hand of it. I've turned your court case over to the hands of God. His will be done and I can't do anything about it. Take care, Brian.

3 years old

Tomorrow is Jack's birthday. He's going to be 3 years old. His father will be there, his new mother, his grandparents... but I'm not allowed to even see one single picture. How is this fair? He's gone and I can't accept it. Will I ever get to see him again?

I don't even try to call or email anymore. They never pick up the phone or respond to my emails where I beg for a picture, or a few details about my son... anything. I allowed all of this to happen because I was weak. I'm never going to be weak again. I'll never allow that kind of behavior again. There's so much that's bothering me tonight. My heart aches for my son and for the rest of the children that miss him so much. I'm angry at my husband. Maybe it's time I crawl under that rock for a while.

Happy birthday, Jack Brian. I miss you everyday.

A Long December

I was going through the blogs from June, and it's amazing how much has changed. On October 1, 2010, I married my best friend. We've been through so much and I never gave up hope. I'm so thankful that I didn't. I want to tell him just how much I love him, but the words are so powerful that I can't seem to get them out. It's a feeling that is so beautiful and precious, I want to put it in a box and save it forever. I never want to forget how much my husband means to me and has meant to me for so long.

I'm struggling right now with Christmas only 9 days away. I used to love this time of year but now it's so painful that I ignore as much of the holiday as I can. I go through the motions because I have to, but I'd much rather hide under a rock until January 4th. Yes, I'm lucky because I get to spend Christmas with Sarah, then Jude and I will make our way to MD and VA to be with Travis, Emma, and Aiden, but I can't forget the fact that I won't get to see Jack and watch his face light up as he plays with his new toys. I didn't get to see it last Christmas either.

I haven't seen my son in almost a year. I missed his 2nd birthday, but thankfully, I got to see him a the week after. That was the last time. He will be 3 years old on January 3rd. His father, and his new mother, grandparents, people I don't even know will be allowed to celebrate Christmas and his birthday, but I'm not. I carried him in my womb, gave him life, and took care of his every need for so long, and yet, I'm not even allowed to see a picture. Words can't explain how heartbreaking this is. I think about my son night and day. Not a day goes by that I don't miss him terribly. Why did this have to happen? Time goes on and everything changes around me, but this stays the same. I know that I won't see him or hear his voice tomorrow, or the day after, or next month, next year... that's the one thing that doesn't change.

Jude is growing so quickly. I am madly in love with him, but it's hard because he looks so much like the brother that he may never be allowed to know. I have no idea how Travis and I are going to explain all of this to him. How do you tell a child that you have a brother, but you can't talk to him because your grandparents and your biological father want nothing to do with you. I'm sad for Sarah because she's old enough to understand and to miss him and feel as helpless as the rest of us because she knows there's nothing that I can do right now. And I'm even more saddened for Emma and Aiden because they remember that they have a baby brother and constantly ask when they'll see "baby Jack" again. They don't understand, they just think that he's gone away for a while. As a mother, I can't help but feel like I've let them down. I want them to be together. Even if I couldn't be in the picture, they should never have to miss out on growing up together, but because I was weak, that can never happen.

Jude is so lucky to have Travis. He's the best father that any boy could have. I hoped that he would come around and he did. I know that he loves my son, our son, more than life itself. It's so hard to be bitter when God is showing me that love is here and it's amazing. It's also difficult to be as happy and I want to be because I'm aching from such a powerful loss. I don't ever want my husband to think that he's not making me happy. He's such a positive and bright spot in my life. I can't imagine not being with him. He's never once judged me or turned his back. He's always understood my emotions and my pain. To put it simply, he's amazing.

I'm looking forward to being able to live together as a family soon. It's time to get on with this life and start this new chapter. He has faith that we will be able to see Jack someday, and that gives me hope as well. I've realized that I will always struggle with what has happened in my life. There are things that I can't forget and there is pain that I will always feel, but I never, NEVER have to worry about going through that pain again. I'm not sure why I couldn't have met Travis so much sooner, but God knows what He's doing and I'm trusting Him. I love you, Trav. I hope that you always remember how much I love you and how much I adore you. I don't know why you picked me, but I thank God for you every day.

With these scars, I thee mend

It's been a year now. I've survived the first anniversary and made it to the other side of being a victim. I now feel like I'm able to use the term "survivor" and not hesitate as the word leaves my throat. I can't explain the way it really feels to be me now.

Every Tuesday, I go to a support group, that recently has been full of women like me. At first, I felt like it was pointless to attend groups again because I felt that it was a waste of time. But I actually look forward to it now. These women are just like me, they feel alone too. We're a silent club, an organization of those who are afraid to raise our voices or draw attention. We've been mocked and told to get over it and move on. We're afraid of being alone, yet being alone is the only place where we find complete solace away from the memories that haunt us. We are members only, but would prefer to never meet a new candidate for membership. We feel helpless alone, but strong together. These women make me feel alive.

I'm learning more and more that my situation isn't unique. A lot of victims deal with the same legal and custody issues that I've dealt with. Many have been patronized by the police that were called to their home for protection. Most of the no contact and protection orders are violated, and few of the abusers actually get penalized for their violations. Though I'm very far into my healing and able to live a semi-normal life now, I still feel so helpless because of the laws that are failing society on a daily basis. I feel so small because I want to change them, and I'm learning that I'm not the only one that feels this way, but we realize that we don't stand a chance of being heard. It takes millions of voices to make change, but after being beaten for questioning anything, we're too afraid to speak up. It's a fucking never ending, vicious cycle.

I walk around every day with these thoughts in my head. At times, I felt as though I was going crazy, that no one else could be thinking these exact same things, feeling these exact same feelings. I'm thankful for the women that I've met. We need each other so that we realize we're not alone. There's nothing that I've thought, felt, said, that they haven't as well. I don't feel ashamed or stupid around them because they understand why I allowed him to come back. They know what it's like to try to leave and not be able to, they never ask the one dreaded question that the general and uneducated public asks us... "why didn't you leave sooner?"... we just listen to each other, share our stories.

We're all the same, we all have scars that will never go away and though they may heal over time, we'll always carry those scars on our hearts. I am forever changed. I will never have a normal relationship or be able to trust as deeply as I used to. I will never feel comfortable when I hear yelling, and I will always be afraid of loud noises. These are things that I have become accepting of. I am thankful to have my life in exchange for these annoyances. I'd say it's a pretty fair trade.

Halloween

I'm ok, it's going to be alright. Just another day, another sad memory, but new memories were made and that keeps me strong. It's the little things that still get to me on occasion. A year ago, I took Jack to the mall on Halloween because he was only a year old, Brian was working, and I thought that Jack was still a bit too young to do anything for the occasion. We just had a little mommy-son date night. Had I known that a year from then I wouldn't get the chance to see my little one donning a costume and begging for candy, I would have taken in every moment. Nothing is guaranteed, nothing is ever certain. It's such a small thing, but I see it now as something huge that was taken for granted. I miss him so very much.

I took that as a lesson. I feel like with Jude, I'm constantly thinking to take pictures, and absorb every second that I can so that I'm not feeling like anything is being taken for granted. I put his monkey suit on him and we walked the neighborhood with big sister, Sarah. He slept the entire time, but at least I can always look back to his first Halloween and have no regrets. I don't know what Jack did today, and I won't see any pictures. I won't hear him say "trick or treat" in the little voice that I imagine he has. This makes me very sad. So while I grieve, I treasure the blessings that I am given. Sometimes life can be so bittersweet.

Time marches on

I can't believe that time has passed so quickly. I've become the woman that I was so long ago and I can honestly say that life has gotten better than I imagined it could, just one year ago. Time marches on, and I had no choice but to march right along with it. I celebrated my 30th birthday over the weekend. I really didn't think I was going to make it to 30 and I have promised myself that this decade will be so much better than the last. I'm stronger now, I know what I want and I won't settle just to get something close to it. I didn't do anything spectacular like most people do. There wasn't a party, just time with my best friend and he gave me the best day!

It's so hard for me to grasp that Jude will be 6 months old this Saturday! It really passes in the blink of an eye and while it's sad to me that he won't be a baby for much longer, I rejoice everyday that I get to be his mother and in the absolute miracle that he's even here. I am so blessed to watch him grow and learn! Teething hasn't been much fun, but I do love when he smiles and I can see those two pearly white teeth in his mouth. God, I am so lucky!

Next month will be one year since I finally made the choice to be free. One year. So much has happened in what seems now like such a short period of time. A year ago, things were going badly and getting worse by the day. I was in a constant state of depression because I couldn't understand how the man that I loved so much, the father of the child that I was carrying, could be so hateful. I felt so small and helpless to change what had become so normal in my life. I did everything I could to make him happy, even at the cost of making myself miserable. I didn't know that I would be able to find the strength to leave and to have a baby by myself. I had no idea that soon after Jude was born, I would begin to find myself more and more. Looking back, I see how far I've come and I can't tell you how proud I am of who I am and what I stand for.

I no longer have the nightmares or carry constant anger for things that I can't change. I don't allow myself to get worked up about the unfair things that used to plague me daily. I'm lucky. I know that a lot of women deal with it for the rest of their lives, but I've managed to overcome so much in my year. I miss my Jack. I miss him everyday and I do still get frustrated because of the situation and how unfair that it, but I firmly believe that someday, my son and I will be together again. I hope that he feels me in his heart everyday, just like I feel him in mine. Things will change, as change is a constant part of life, and I will hold him in my arms and be able to tell him the truth. God sees me, my heart, and what a good mother I am. He knows what He's doing, and I know that Brian won't get away with his lies forever.

So as the anniversary rolls around, I feel like there's nothing I can't defeat. Nothing and no one will stand in my way of making my 30's years full of happiness. Somedays are still hard, but I remind myself of all of the blessings and wonderful people that I have in my life, and it just sort of drowns out the bad thoughts.

Can't sleep

It's one of those nights where I'm ridiculously tired, but I can't manage to shut my brain off so that I can actually sleep. I've been exhausted all day, I should be able to pass right out, but alas, here I am at almost 1am. I'm so happy with the way that life is going. I'm relieved to finally have a little bit of money (though not nearly enough yet) and I can pay my way through life for the first time in a long time. It's nice to feel like I have a purpose instead of waking up and wishing that I wasn't so miserable. I had a good but long night at work and it'll be nice to have the day off tomorrow so I can spend it with Sarah and Jude. Things seem to be looking up and there's only one thing that I would change if I could.

I miss Emma, Aiden, and Jack everyday, but some days it's a bit overwhelming. I feel so guilty because since I've started working, I barely get to talk to Emma and Aiden. I can either call early in the day (but they're at school), or late at night (but they're in bed). I have to try harder to fit calls into my work schedule. I miss hearing their voices even if it's for 20 seconds. I can't even describe how much I miss my Jack. I try to shrug it off and have faith that God is doing everything in His power to make sure that my son knows who I am and why I can't be there... but it's hard to remember that I'm not in control. It infuriates me that Brian and his dad think it's ok to keep me from my son. Why would anyone want to do that? What did I ever do to Jack? I'm still floored that this is how it turned out. Keith Powers claims to be a christian, but doesn't he ever worry about what he's going to tell God on his judgment day? What excuse will he be able to give to the Lord to make all of this pain and suffering justifiable? That child is my flesh and blood, a huge part of ME... I carried him in my body and took care of him when the grandfather and father that claim to love him so much, walked away. I just don't understand this and it breaks my heart that for now, I have to accept this and move on. I don't want to let go, no one should ever let go of a child. Prayers for rectification of this terrible situation are greatly appreciated. You all know me, you know that I'm a good mother. Many of you have seen me time and time again with my children and you know that I would never harm them.

I just needed to get that out of my head I suppose. Maybe now I've cleared my mind enough to finally fall asleep. I can hear my little one sucking his thumb in his crib next to me and I must say that his peaceful slumber is helping me relax. Though some things are still hard to get through, I do it and I will continue to do it because I refuse to let anyone tear me down ever again. I'm a mother, and that's never going to change. Things aren't fair, but we aren't the ones that have control of that. I've just got to remain positive and keep living an honest life. "Good things come to those that wait", and Lord, I have all the time that you want to give me. Goodnight moon.