It's been a year now. I've survived the first anniversary and made it to the other side of being a victim. I now feel like I'm able to use the term "survivor" and not hesitate as the word leaves my throat. I can't explain the way it really feels to be me now.
Every Tuesday, I go to a support group, that recently has been full of women like me. At first, I felt like it was pointless to attend groups again because I felt that it was a waste of time. But I actually look forward to it now. These women are just like me, they feel alone too. We're a silent club, an organization of those who are afraid to raise our voices or draw attention. We've been mocked and told to get over it and move on. We're afraid of being alone, yet being alone is the only place where we find complete solace away from the memories that haunt us. We are members only, but would prefer to never meet a new candidate for membership. We feel helpless alone, but strong together. These women make me feel alive.
I'm learning more and more that my situation isn't unique. A lot of victims deal with the same legal and custody issues that I've dealt with. Many have been patronized by the police that were called to their home for protection. Most of the no contact and protection orders are violated, and few of the abusers actually get penalized for their violations. Though I'm very far into my healing and able to live a semi-normal life now, I still feel so helpless because of the laws that are failing society on a daily basis. I feel so small because I want to change them, and I'm learning that I'm not the only one that feels this way, but we realize that we don't stand a chance of being heard. It takes millions of voices to make change, but after being beaten for questioning anything, we're too afraid to speak up. It's a fucking never ending, vicious cycle.
I walk around every day with these thoughts in my head. At times, I felt as though I was going crazy, that no one else could be thinking these exact same things, feeling these exact same feelings. I'm thankful for the women that I've met. We need each other so that we realize we're not alone. There's nothing that I've thought, felt, said, that they haven't as well. I don't feel ashamed or stupid around them because they understand why I allowed him to come back. They know what it's like to try to leave and not be able to, they never ask the one dreaded question that the general and uneducated public asks us... "why didn't you leave sooner?"... we just listen to each other, share our stories.
We're all the same, we all have scars that will never go away and though they may heal over time, we'll always carry those scars on our hearts. I am forever changed. I will never have a normal relationship or be able to trust as deeply as I used to. I will never feel comfortable when I hear yelling, and I will always be afraid of loud noises. These are things that I have become accepting of. I am thankful to have my life in exchange for these annoyances. I'd say it's a pretty fair trade.
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