I wonder what it's like to be "normal". I don't know what it's like to wake up and go through out your day not thinking about things that hurt. It would be so liberating to be one of those people that isn't insecure and doesn't let hurtful words or actions bother them. I wish I could be like that.
I wish that I could make it through one day where I don't remember what happened, and think of all the nasty things that have been said and done to me. I've got to get past this shit or it will eat me alive. I love my husband more than life and I can't keep letting the past eat away at me day in and day out. How much can he stand before he decides it's not worth it? No, my marriage isn't failing, in fact I think we're stronger than ever now and that's after a few things that did hurt me. The important this is that he loves me for who I am, not who he hopes that I'll become. He knows my flaws and my fears and yet he accepts them and helps me through every bad moment that I come across. Maybe that's why I worry so much... I'm not used to this at all. I can't remember ever being in love with someone so wonderful.
My insecurities are a pain in the ass, even to me. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and not seeing what I want to see. I find myself often thinking how unfair it is that I wasn't born beautiful like other women. I'm short, I've got a big nose and fat face. I've got these tree trunks for legs and after the kids, my stomach will never look like how I want it to no matter what I do. I see 13 year old girls with bigger boobs than I'll ever have, including during all of my pregnancies. I feel inadequate. I think about how skinny I was before I got pregnant with Jude, and then I think about how huge I still felt when I looked in the mirror then. It's never ending and I'm sick of it.
Depression is a bitch. No matter what I do, I can't win. I feel disgusting, but since I don't sleep well, I'm always too tired to work out. When I actually do have the energy to work out, I don't have the time, and this only depresses me more because I realize that I'm the only one that can change my weight. I see the women on my husband's facebook page and my heart sinks. They're all so much prettier and skinnier than me, than I'll ever be... how can he love me? I'm not putting my marital business out there... but I'm afraid from the past and I don't think I'm good enough or at least pretty enough. My husband is a typical man... and I'm afraid that someday, someone much better looking will come along, and well... you know how the story goes. Brian cheated so much.
Is that where this inferiority complex stems from? I'm to the point where if I could afford it, I'd have so many surgeries to fix what I hate, but I think that the problem is deeper than cosmetic. I've been trained to hate everything about myself.
So where is this all coming from tonight? I finally had both the time AND the energy to work out. It wasn't anything strenuous, mostly yoga which is something that I used to love to do and did it religiously. It's supposed to calm the mind and body but tonight it didn't work. I want to be me again, but the thing is, I don't know who I am. I guess at 30, I should have a tiny clue, but I don't. I know who I want to be, but I'll never be that. This is my life after the hell that I've lived through. This is what I do... I psychoanalyze myself until I just call myself nuts and call it a night.
The bottom line is that I just want to be the best mother, the best wife, the best everything that I can be. I know in my heart that my body has nothing to do with that, but when I look at pictures I see someone better than this. Reality would prove that I'm much better now because I am stronger (believe it or not), but my body image has always been and I fear, will always be a struggle. Tomorrow starts a new routine, complete with pills to help out. Here's to hoping my heart doesn't explode from Dexatrim and the hell that I'm going to push myself through for the next few months.
When it all comes down to it I need to stop bitching and start taking control. For far too long others have controlled my life, but this is my time. I have a husband that loves me unconditionally and that respects me rather than tris to control me. With him, I think I can do anything that I set my mind to. Here's to hoping...
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