It's been hard lately. If you know me, then you know that I will often put on a smile so that people think I'm ok just so I don't have to deal with confronting what's really hurting me. Only here do I feel that I can be open because I don't have to look anyone in the eyes and feel their judgement or their pity. I loathe pity.
Christmas has come and gone, and a new year has arrived. I've been close to numb since Thanksgiving. This new year will be different. A lot of wonderful changes are coming, and sometimes I get scared, but I'm letting the fear go because my life is different now. There isn't anything or anyone that can hurt me anymore. I've fallen to the bottom, touched the depths of darkness, and I've sprung back up to the world. This place is terrifying after losing everything, but I realize that I can only go up from here.
Today was a milestone for me. I finished my last domestic violence education class. In the beginning I was so pissed that I had to attend because I believed that it couldn't help. I didn't want to sit in a room with other abused women and hear the sob stories because I was trying to run away from it. I thought that if I dealt with it on my own, I would surely overcome my obstacles much easier that bringing it to the surface every week. The reality of it is that those women became inspirations to me. We inspired one another. For the first time in several years, I didn't feel alone. For an hour every Tuesday, I was part of group that was searching for answers, and longing to heal. We all felt weak because we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable and abused, but we learned how strong we really were because not only had we gotten away, but we were taking the steps to move beyond abuse and experience life. I can't explain what a gift it has been to share my story with these women and to be a part of their transition.
Travis and I have come a long way. I can't imagine life without him in it. It's been a long journey and though a year ago I knew in my heart that I would marry him one day, I certainly didn't make it easy for him to stick it out. I thank God for the day that he put Travis in my life. I married my best friend that has been with me through all of this chaos. He was there before Jude was born, and calls that sweet little angel his son. He is such a wonderful husband and father and it's amazing to me because I didn't know men like him existed.
Next month we will be joining him in MD. A new life, a new start. I'm finally going to be able to be with Emma and Aiden on a permanent basis and back with the friends that have known me (the real me, not the high school me), for so long. We're all one big family and that's so important to be back where I feel like I belong. I am so blessed.
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