Fuck all of it

All I can do is cry because the pain is overwhelming and write to keep from doing something really stupid. At first, when I lost Emma and Aiden, I couldn't imagine a pain greater than that. Brian had been cheating on me with a 19 year old girl named Season, that he had met at Bethesda. I found out and was devastated, just like always, and he managed to sneak his way back into our home in Fredericksburg, VA... and back into our bed. For the night, I felt like he loved me again. He begged for my forgiveness and swore he loved me and Jack more than life itself.

The next day, Sunday morning, I got a call from Micah telling me that I wouldn't be getting Emma and Aiden back. I was infuriated. I didn't know what to do, but I knew that I couldn't live without my kids and I tried everything to get them home. Given our custody agreement at that time, there was nothing that I could do outside of a courtroom. Devastation flooded my soul. And there was Brian, telling me that he was going to be there for me, to help me through this and that we would fight for them. I took him back to Bethesda that night, and he cheated on me with another woman the next day.

It was just Jack and I then. I had to somehow function enough to take care of my 6 month old baby, while grieving for the 3 and 4 year old son and daughter that their father wouldn't let me see. I promise you that the pain, that wound, has never healed... not even a little. As I type, I'm crying and still grieving for them and for the stupid decisions that I made to forgive Brian and continue to let him do the damage that he did.

It wasn't long after I lost Emma and Aiden, that I found out about the next affair. Every time, it cut like a knife in a fresh spot where scar tissue hadn't formed from the previous affairs. He had no interest in seeing Jack, only in living it up and sleeping around. I was fading fast as his lies were taking a toll on me. I look back now and I can't fathom how I managed to stay alive. As always, he convinced me to forgive him, and allow him back into our bed... but this time, he gave me a hand written apology that promised he would change. I was reluctant for the first time since the cheating began, but I caved and he came back.

It was two days later that I would lose Jack. I gave Brian what he wanted from me and things were fine when I took him back to Bethesda. Monday morning, through a text message, he said he didn't want me anymore. I remember the sting as my knees hit the hardwood kitchen floor. I can still hear the cries that felt as though I would die if I couldn't stop. The panic flooded me and I wanted to take my life right then and there. I wish I could go back and tell myself not to leave the house. I should have just grabbed Jack and sang to him and remembered that he and I would be ok... but I just kept thinking that I needed to get help. I didn't want to kill myself, I didn't want to take myself away from the children, for them to grow up without a mother.

I learned a valuable lesson that day that has stuck with me. Sometimes, you can't trust anyone. I thought that going to a hospital to talk to someone was the right thing to do for my kids, but they took Jack from me because I was having a nervous breakdown. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I feel the same tonight.

I can't cry hard enough to soothe my soul from the aching of missing my baby boy. I'm sick of people asking me what happened to my kids. Fuck you if you think it's any of your damn business. Fuck you if you judge me. Fuck you if you take Brian's side. And fuck Brian and his family for what they're doing. Fuck this country and the way they handle domestic abuse cases. Fuck men that cheat, lie, and abuse. Fuck you for taking me for granted and putting me through hell after all I've been through. I'm so broken hearted and there's nothing I can do to ease the pain. I feel like I'm being stabbed and punched and spun around. I can't catch my breath, my head hearts, and my heart literally aches in my chest. I haven't showered or changed my clothes today, I didn't even brush my teeth. I can't eat, I can't sleep because I can't stop crying. And this blog, this is my only friend right now. I don't trust anyone. How dare you message me and ask me why I don't have my kids?! Who do you think you are? Would you be offended if I had asked you how your daughter died at such a young age? How can someone be so stupid and inconsiderate?