It aches

To my dear Jack,
Today you turned 3 years old. I was there with you all day, I hope you felt my presence. I remember the day you were born and my heart is so sad because it misses you everyday. I am so sorry that I can't be there. It isn't because I choose not to be, but because you're being held from me. I wish I could tell you how badly it hurts to not see your face or hear your voice, but there aren't words strong enough to describe it.

I keep your picture on my dresser so that everyday when I wake up, I can see you just like I did when you were a baby. I'll never forget walking into your room in the morning and seeing your big smile and those beautiful blue eyes light up because mommy was coming to get you. Please remember me.

I'm sorry for all the things that you've gone through in your 3 years. I never imagined that this kind of pain could happen to us. I never thought that there would be a day that I wouldn't have you and your brother and sister by my side. We were supposed to be there for each other and I let you all down. We all miss you so much and I hope that you remember how loved you are and that you have a big family here that's waiting for you.

Your baby brother, Jude, looks just like you. Sometimes it's hard to look at him because I see your face too. He is sweet just like you when you were a baby. Very happy and very full of life. I tell him about you all the time and today we sang happy birthday to you. I know you couldn't hear us, but someday I pray that I'll be able to sing to you again. Do you remember all of our songs? I'll never forget how we used to cuddle and I'd sing until you fell asleep.

I wish that it were different. I don't understand why this had to happen. I am afraid that you'll think I don't love you and that I left you. My sweet angel, I would never leave you and I will never stop loving you. My heart hurts so much without you, but I keep hope that they won't be able to keep you away from me forever. Someday, I will hold your hand again and tell you the truth. I hope that you can feel me in your heart. I don't know that you remember my face, but maybe something inside of you remembers that you have a mommy and she loves you so very much.

My son, I wish that I could tell you this myself, but my letters will live on even if I don't and by the grace of God, you will read my words someday and you know who I was. I should have fought harder, but this world makes it easy to feel beaten down. There are so many people that love you and will never forget you. They keep me strong and I don't know how I would have made it this far without you, if I didn't have them in my life. We all love you so much. I hope you've had the best birthday that a little man can have, and I wish for many more. Look to the sky and count the stars that God has given us. Never take anything for granted. Know that when you sleep, mommy is there in your heart and you are in mine. I love you, Jack.

Love,

Mommy