Full Circle

I can't sleep. I'm tired, and I should be passed out, but once again, there's too much running through my head and maybe if I get it out I'll be able to drift off. I've come to the conclusion that I have to let go. I can't hold onto the shit that I've been through anymore and I absolutely can't continue to use it as an excuse to live the way I have been. This depression will never ease up if I can't move on. The crap that Brian did was traumatic. I won't deny that I'll have to deal with it for the rest of my life, however, it's over now. I got what I wanted and that was a life without him in it. I can never erase the memories of what he's done and I can never change that part of my life, but I can learn from it, overcome it, and actually live. That's something that I haven't allowed myself to do. There is a lot of guilt and that's something that I may have to deal with for a while still, but it will ease up. I'm in counseling and I have a job. Things are looking up.

I realized today that I've been so destructive to myself and the ones that I love. I have been a terrible friend because I've pushed everyone away. I do have abandonment issues that I finally saw clearly for the first time today. I had a best friend that I love with all of my heart, and I've (hopefully temporarily) done damage because I've spent so long pushing him away that he finally had enough of my shit. The sad thing is that it's taken me this long and gotten to this point that I can see what I've been doing to him for months. I've put the blame on him, where it should be mostly placed on myself. I have to let go of the fear that everyone will leave. It's so unhealthy and if I keep it up, I'll never have what I really want. Call me crazy (actually don't) but someday, I really want to get married again. I loved being a wife, it made me feel like I was part of something wonderful... except for the whole abuse thing. I'll never have any real relationship again if I live in fear of loving someone and them leaving. Not everyone is out to hurt me. That asshole really did a number on me, but I don't have to continue to let his words and his actions dictate how I live or what I feel.

I'm not sure if this makes sense to anyone other than me. I know what I'm trying to say, but I don't know if it's coming across clearly. For the first time in a long time, I really feel like things are working out in my favor. I may have pushed away someone that I love, but in doing so, I've learned a lot about myself and what I have to change. I'm thankful that I have counseling so that I'm able to work through my issues. I've got time on my side and I can see a future. I finally have a job and I actually look forward to being there. It's the first time in years that I feel like I'm actually accomplishing something which in turn, makes me feel that I have self worth. I'm able to see Emma and Aiden again, and I have a fantastic relationship with their dad and I never thought he'd forgive me for the mess I'd made. I am so thankful for him and I hope that someday I can show him that. I wake up to my baby boy and my beautiful daughter... yeah, life is good. In my cloud of depression, I've failed to see how much I have to be thankful for. It's a good feeling.

I've wasted so much time on this crap that I've been sorting through. It seems like just yesterday that Jude was born, and it's hard to believe that he's already 4 months old. Summer has come and gone and fall is just around the corner. I feel like I've been living in a dark room and life has sped by without me being involved. I don't want to lose any more time on this. I'm ready to give it up. There are still days when I get really angry about the past, but there's nothing I can do to change it. I will get that friendship back and it will be better than before because now I understand what I've done wrong. I know that the love will be there because luckily, God has placed very understanding and forgiving people in my path. Life goes on...