Rock bottom

I can't wrap my brain around the way life works. I feel like a bird in a cage. Birds are meant to fly free, but we keep them as pets in small spaces rather than the vast wide open that God created for them to soar in. I often look at our parakeets and feel sorry for them. Maybe they don't know that they're supposed to be outside, maybe all they know is being in that cage where they are paid little attention. In the morning they have the cover lifted from their cage and at night, it's placed back over them. That's how I feel. As stupid as it sounds, I feel like I'm in a cage and I'll never get out. In the morning my cover is removed and at night, it's replaced. There is no meaning in this life that I'm creeping through, I just exist right now.

If everything happens for a reason, then what reason could God give me that would make this ok? Does He not see the pain that radiates through my heart and mind every day? If He's so loving then why can't anything good happen to me? It's not like I'm not trying to make my life better. I push through the shit every single day and to no avail. I go to sleep (when I can) and wake up to the very same life that I promised myself would be different the night before. I'm running out of reasons to hold on and I'm exhausted from the fight. Meanwhile, Brian lives the life that I should have, sans the felonies. He has been allowed to do whatever he pleases, and not pay any consequences. There is no justice ahead, just more freedom for him, more solitary confinement for me.

I would love to go back to school, to work, to be a mom, to have freedom in my life that everyone else I know has. It's not in the cards for me. I can't even drive my own damn car anymore. I have no release, so escape and it tears me apart everyday. But, the man that caused every bit of this, he's going back to school. He has someone, actually many people in his life that love him and don't believe he could harm a fly. He lies, cheats, steals, abandons and no one around him sees what I see, knows what I know. They're blind. There's nothing I can do about it and the helplessness sweeps over me like a tidal wave.

This is the result of abuse. This is what I've become because I wasn't strong enough or smart enough to walk away. I could have had a real life, but now I'm so far down and covered in so much sadness that I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is rock bottom and I don't know how to get up. I'm pushing away the people that love me because I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself. All I want for my life is love. That may seem stupid to you, but it's all I've ever wanted. When you have love, even when times get tough, you know that everything will be ok because there is someone that will hold your hand through it. I miss him so much, but all I've done recently is push him away. I'm so afraid that I'll never be good enough that he'll find someone new and then the last bit of hope that I have for anything will be gone.

He keeps saying that I can't depend on him for my happiness, but what he doesn't realize is that he was the last person to make me happy. I had hope of a better life with him in it, and though he's not gone, it's not the same now. Think what you want about me, I don't care. I'm through with caring what people think I should or shouldn't say. If this is the only way to stop the tears for the night, then I'll keep writing. I hate that I've become this shell of a person. I hate that my smiles are fake most of the time. I hate that I push people away because I'm too afraid to open up and become a burden like Brian said I was. I hate that I have to ask permission to do anything, I hate that I can't drive my car, I hate what Brian did and got away with, and I hate that I allowed it. I hate so many things, and I can list them all... ask me what I like, and I couldn't give you an answer. Not right now because I'm too low.

I want to see Jack. I want to be with all of the kids, don't get me wrong, but I miss my little man so much because I can't even talk to him. How could they shut his mother out like this? Without me, he wouldn't even exist. I ache for him. I don't understand how Brian is allowed to be with him and I can't even see a picture of him. He's my son too. If they wanted to see pictures of Jude, I would send them. I would do anything now just to talk to my baby. I don't know anything about him. I have no idea what he likes or dislikes, I don't remember what he sounds like, I don't remember his face and that's so fucking heart breaking. I'm not asking for the world, just for what's fair. It seems that no one cares about fair, as long as it looks legit. I would never allow an abuser to be with his child, and I would never shut out the mother that was trying to protect him.

My mind is a mess tonight. I shouldn't be here. I'm supposed to be with the people that I consider family, and I can't be. I'm still in Ohio where I vowed never to return to. I have friends here and I love them very much. I'm sorry for shutting you out, but please understand that I can't talk right now. It's easier to write about what's going on in my head than it is to sit face to face and talk about it. This way, I can't feel eyes on me. I don't feel like I could be judged from the words that I'm writing (though I know I am and at this point I don't really care) nor do I have to look into someones eyes and see the pain that they feel for me. No need, I feel sorry enough for myself, I don't want anyone else to. It doesn't do any good. This whole healing process isn't going as well as it probably should be at 9 months. God, just get me out of here.