Can't sleep

It's one of those nights where I'm ridiculously tired, but I can't manage to shut my brain off so that I can actually sleep. I've been exhausted all day, I should be able to pass right out, but alas, here I am at almost 1am. I'm so happy with the way that life is going. I'm relieved to finally have a little bit of money (though not nearly enough yet) and I can pay my way through life for the first time in a long time. It's nice to feel like I have a purpose instead of waking up and wishing that I wasn't so miserable. I had a good but long night at work and it'll be nice to have the day off tomorrow so I can spend it with Sarah and Jude. Things seem to be looking up and there's only one thing that I would change if I could.

I miss Emma, Aiden, and Jack everyday, but some days it's a bit overwhelming. I feel so guilty because since I've started working, I barely get to talk to Emma and Aiden. I can either call early in the day (but they're at school), or late at night (but they're in bed). I have to try harder to fit calls into my work schedule. I miss hearing their voices even if it's for 20 seconds. I can't even describe how much I miss my Jack. I try to shrug it off and have faith that God is doing everything in His power to make sure that my son knows who I am and why I can't be there... but it's hard to remember that I'm not in control. It infuriates me that Brian and his dad think it's ok to keep me from my son. Why would anyone want to do that? What did I ever do to Jack? I'm still floored that this is how it turned out. Keith Powers claims to be a christian, but doesn't he ever worry about what he's going to tell God on his judgment day? What excuse will he be able to give to the Lord to make all of this pain and suffering justifiable? That child is my flesh and blood, a huge part of ME... I carried him in my body and took care of him when the grandfather and father that claim to love him so much, walked away. I just don't understand this and it breaks my heart that for now, I have to accept this and move on. I don't want to let go, no one should ever let go of a child. Prayers for rectification of this terrible situation are greatly appreciated. You all know me, you know that I'm a good mother. Many of you have seen me time and time again with my children and you know that I would never harm them.

I just needed to get that out of my head I suppose. Maybe now I've cleared my mind enough to finally fall asleep. I can hear my little one sucking his thumb in his crib next to me and I must say that his peaceful slumber is helping me relax. Though some things are still hard to get through, I do it and I will continue to do it because I refuse to let anyone tear me down ever again. I'm a mother, and that's never going to change. Things aren't fair, but we aren't the ones that have control of that. I've just got to remain positive and keep living an honest life. "Good things come to those that wait", and Lord, I have all the time that you want to give me. Goodnight moon.

So THIS is what happiness feels like!

I've been reading through some of my old posts and I can't believe how much my attitude and my life have changed! I did this on my own, I had the strength in me all along to become the person that I was before Brian, before my life fell apart and I'M BACK! I knew that in time I would get here, but I wasn't sure that I would be able to really recover from the past four years. It's amazing to me to look back and see this complete 180.

I was out running errands with Jude today and as he was babbling in the backseat, it dawned on me how truly blessed I am. I feel sheepish that it's taken me so long to see it so clearly. I'm still living with the parents, but given a few minor arguments, we're relating to one another much better these days. I know they're just as happy as I am about my job. This is the first time that I can honestly say that I'm happy to go to work everyday. I get along well with my coworkers and I feel like I'm a part of something again. Brian's voice no longer echos in my head telling me that I'm worthless and no one will ever want to be around me. I don't have to act like someone I'm not, these people actually like all my quirks.

It's been a long time since I've felt this sense of accomplishment. Being a single mom is hard and I've done it without complaint because I'm so lucky to be a mother, but I'll finally be able to support my son and I and help with all of my little angels. I feel so guilty about whining to God constantly. I've been so angry with Him because it seemed like things were never going to get any better, but here I sit and I realize that He did all of this, I just needed to be patient. I can't even remember the depression anymore and it feels like the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. To put it simply, I love my life and I don't want to waste any more time feeling sorry for myself.

It's been a while...

A lot has happened since my last blog, some good, some bad... but life goes on and I've still got some time on this planet and I plan to make it a life worth living. This will no longer be a blog about dealing with domestic violence. I feel like I can finally say that I've moved on and though I may never fully heal, I've got a clear mind and am ready to leave it in the past and never look back. Brian's sentencing was a few weeks ago. I was asked to appear in court or at least write a letter to the judge to be read aloud in court. I respectfully declined. I feel no need to hold on to the pain that Brian caused. It happened, I'll never get to relive the years that I lost because of him, but I also don't have to allow his actions to dictate the way that I live my life from now on. I feel that though the court let the children and I down, God won't. He will make sure that Brian pays one way or another for the things that he's done. I'd put money on the fact that his days are numbered in his happy little life. Either way, I just don't care about it anymore. Not making any sort of statement was my way of finally letting go. It was easier than I thought.

I finally got a job so I spend most of my time working and I've got to say that I feel so accomplished in doing so. I don't make much money, and I'm still stressed about being able to afford to move, but it's a step in the right direction and I really couldn't be happier. It's taken me a long time to feel this good about myself again, but I'm so proud of myself for letting go of so much! No longer do I hear his voice echoing in my head telling me how worthless and pathetic I am.

It's late and I need to get to bed soon. See ya on the flipside!