Halloween

I'm ok, it's going to be alright. Just another day, another sad memory, but new memories were made and that keeps me strong. It's the little things that still get to me on occasion. A year ago, I took Jack to the mall on Halloween because he was only a year old, Brian was working, and I thought that Jack was still a bit too young to do anything for the occasion. We just had a little mommy-son date night. Had I known that a year from then I wouldn't get the chance to see my little one donning a costume and begging for candy, I would have taken in every moment. Nothing is guaranteed, nothing is ever certain. It's such a small thing, but I see it now as something huge that was taken for granted. I miss him so very much.

I took that as a lesson. I feel like with Jude, I'm constantly thinking to take pictures, and absorb every second that I can so that I'm not feeling like anything is being taken for granted. I put his monkey suit on him and we walked the neighborhood with big sister, Sarah. He slept the entire time, but at least I can always look back to his first Halloween and have no regrets. I don't know what Jack did today, and I won't see any pictures. I won't hear him say "trick or treat" in the little voice that I imagine he has. This makes me very sad. So while I grieve, I treasure the blessings that I am given. Sometimes life can be so bittersweet.

Time marches on

I can't believe that time has passed so quickly. I've become the woman that I was so long ago and I can honestly say that life has gotten better than I imagined it could, just one year ago. Time marches on, and I had no choice but to march right along with it. I celebrated my 30th birthday over the weekend. I really didn't think I was going to make it to 30 and I have promised myself that this decade will be so much better than the last. I'm stronger now, I know what I want and I won't settle just to get something close to it. I didn't do anything spectacular like most people do. There wasn't a party, just time with my best friend and he gave me the best day!

It's so hard for me to grasp that Jude will be 6 months old this Saturday! It really passes in the blink of an eye and while it's sad to me that he won't be a baby for much longer, I rejoice everyday that I get to be his mother and in the absolute miracle that he's even here. I am so blessed to watch him grow and learn! Teething hasn't been much fun, but I do love when he smiles and I can see those two pearly white teeth in his mouth. God, I am so lucky!

Next month will be one year since I finally made the choice to be free. One year. So much has happened in what seems now like such a short period of time. A year ago, things were going badly and getting worse by the day. I was in a constant state of depression because I couldn't understand how the man that I loved so much, the father of the child that I was carrying, could be so hateful. I felt so small and helpless to change what had become so normal in my life. I did everything I could to make him happy, even at the cost of making myself miserable. I didn't know that I would be able to find the strength to leave and to have a baby by myself. I had no idea that soon after Jude was born, I would begin to find myself more and more. Looking back, I see how far I've come and I can't tell you how proud I am of who I am and what I stand for.

I no longer have the nightmares or carry constant anger for things that I can't change. I don't allow myself to get worked up about the unfair things that used to plague me daily. I'm lucky. I know that a lot of women deal with it for the rest of their lives, but I've managed to overcome so much in my year. I miss my Jack. I miss him everyday and I do still get frustrated because of the situation and how unfair that it, but I firmly believe that someday, my son and I will be together again. I hope that he feels me in his heart everyday, just like I feel him in mine. Things will change, as change is a constant part of life, and I will hold him in my arms and be able to tell him the truth. God sees me, my heart, and what a good mother I am. He knows what He's doing, and I know that Brian won't get away with his lies forever.

So as the anniversary rolls around, I feel like there's nothing I can't defeat. Nothing and no one will stand in my way of making my 30's years full of happiness. Somedays are still hard, but I remind myself of all of the blessings and wonderful people that I have in my life, and it just sort of drowns out the bad thoughts.