Back in the game!

Wow, it's been a really long time! With so much happening in life, I figured it was time to fire up the old (or new since hubby got me a new one for Christmas) laptop and get back on the proverbial blogging horse. Did you miss me? It's ok, I missed you too! Life is wonderful at the moment... which scares me a little since I know it can't stay this good forever. I find myself switching between blissful happiness, and bracing for a disaster. Maybe that's not the best way to look at the future, but one can never be too prepared. For the most, I'm just in the moment, and trying to smile as much as I can and go with the flow. God has given me a tremendous amount of strength and courage so I know without doubt that when the storm comes, however far down the road that may be, I'll be ready for it. He's pretty cool, huh? It's amazing to look back and see the transformation He's created in me. Who was that person that I used to see in the mirror?! So since I'm back, are you ready for the BIG news? No, I'm NOT pregnant! Why doesn't everybody always assume that's my news?! Those days are (hopefully) behind us. We're buying a house!!! Hooray for being home owners! We decided that this summer was a good time to finally buy, so we got online and found some that we liked, called an agent, and put an offer on the second one that we looked at. Truth be told, it just so happens to be the one that we absolutely fell in love with before we even started the process, but never thought we'd actually be able to buy it. It just goes to show what prayer can do. If you're not a fan of it, I suggest you give it a shot. The man upstairs IS listening, you just have to speak up! Our home inspection is tomorrow and I'm just so hopefully that we'll be able to close at the end of next month and move in once school is over at the beginning of June. I haven' been this excited about something in a really long time. We are SO blessed! Did I mention that it's on a golf course? Travis will never be home... The kids are doing great! Everyone is a year older, taller (except Emma), and mouthier. Life is good! We finally were able to get a diagnosis for Aiden this Fall and ADHD it is. He was really struggling in school, and I have to say that his teacher is NOT on my list of favorite people. She has completely failed him and I'm really ready for this school year to be over. We had issues with medications and he's not on his third. I really can't complain because so many other kids and parents have it so much worse. If anything, I learned that research is key and that I need to check into every option before choosing treatment. It was heartbreaking to see my son have a bad reaction to Ritalin. That was his first drug and if you've never heard your child tell you what the voices in his head are saying, than consider it a good day. I didn't do enough research at that time and I was unaware that there was a chance of him developing aural hallucinations. NO. GOOD. After getting help, stopping the Ritalin, and FINALLY finding a medication that works, we're much better now. I am so thankful that it didn't get as bad as it could have and he's doing so much better now. I'm learning to speak up and become his voice. I am learning more and more about ADHD and how much of a struggle it is for him. Though it breaks my heart when I see how other kids react to him, or when he tells me about the bullies that tease, I know that there is so much greatness in story for my special guy. He's only 8, and there is a whole world out there just waiting to be touched by his greatness. I really do have the best kids! There's so much, but for now, I have mom "things" that are calling my name. It's time to put on my chef hat and get that gourmet shake n' bake in the over! Travis is off to Target with the Jude so they can pick up Emma's medication (nice to see you again, strep throat), and I'm going to bask in having only three kids in the house! Until later... <3 p="">

And so it goes...

well folks, it's been a while. A lot has happened since I last posted. For starters, I had a baby. Yes, another one. This is a good time to address something that's really pissed me off for quite some time now. Yes, I have SIX children. We may not be the most conventional family, but I love being a mother to all six of them. People have made comments to me about the number of kids that I have and though they may only be joking, I don't find your humor as funny. In fact, it's down right offensive. I'm a good mother, and I take good care of the kids that I can take care of. No, I don't have Jack, but I have accepted what has happened and I still have faith that he will know I am mom, and we will see each other again. I've come a long way in the past couple of years and I'm proud of that. My children are not a concern to you, general public, because you aren't supporting them in any way. We're not on welfare, we're not on WIC, we accept no charity from anyone. Our bills are always paid, and we live a comfortable life. So I don't think that anyone should be concerned with the number of children that I have given birth to. Simply put, if you don't like it, then don't YOU have six children! I however, am happy with my large family!

I can't believe how fast the time flies. Today is my Sarah's 13th birthday! I am now the mother of a teenager (Lord help me), and she never ceases to make me a proud mama. It seems like just yesterday that I brought her home from the hospital, a scared and irresponsible 18 year old. Today, she is taller than me, smarter than me, and will definitely go on to do amazing things throughout her life. Another year, and they're all older. With Jude turning 2 on the 16th, we will finally conclude birthday season 2012 with one more new birthday added to the mix for next year. It's amazing how God has blessed this family with the means to give each child presents!

I will admit though that I am happy to be finished with child bearing. We are thrilled with our little Nolan and he is a wonderful note to end on. It's been a crazy seven weeks, but I feel that we're finally settling into a routine with him. A little acid reflux wasn't going to bring this brood down!

It's funny how I forgot so many things about having a newborn. You would think that a seasoned pro such as myself would be accustomed to the chaos that a new little one can bring into life, but I don't think anyone can ever get used to sleep deprivation. I am a firm believer that the only reason anyone has more than one child is because God has created new mom amnesia. Though his EXTREMELY painful birth, the constant crying, the waking up every two hours all night, every night, are fresh in my memory now, I will have completely forgotten about all of that in a year. It's also helpful that he's so cute!

The worst part about having a baby (for me at least), is dealing with the body of a postpartum woman. I'm older now, and it seems to be taking longer to get back to my old self. I'm happy about every other aspect of my life, except this one. I'm not thrilled with the fact that I still need to lose 30 lbs to get back to "me". I'm going to continue trying hard and ignoring how exhausted I am because I know that the only one that can change me is, well, me. I'm grateful to have a husband that thinks I'm beautiful no matter how nasty I look at the moment. I guess he really does love me! I just wish that I loved myself as much.

I would love to be one of those women that is comfortable in their own skin, but that's just not in my DNA. Maybe I should blame the media, or the fashion magazines that I'm obsessed with, but I feel like I won't ever love myself (at least my body) unless I'm a size two with my ribs showing. I've always battled with my self image and I'm pretty unhappy about it. I tell myself that it's normal and I just gave birth, but I feel like I'm being judged when I'm out in public. I feel as though I look like I'm two hundred pounds. How ridiculous! So it's up to me to do something about it. I'll keep you updated on my progress. I know I have the ability to do it... I've done it six times already!

On that note, it's time to get off of my fat ass, and accomplish something productive. Until next time...

He is...

I vaguely remember life before Travis. I don't want to remember life before him because I know I wasn't living. He has been my strength, my smiles, my tears, my breath for what seems like an eternity now. It's hard to believe that we've only been married for a year... that we've only even known each other for two years, because no one could ever have held such a place in my life. How did I live without him?

Times are tough, not because we aren't getting along, but because there are so many amazing, incredible changes coming and we have to find some time to fit Christmas in at the same time. I'm a wreck. I'd like to blame hormones, and that's a big part, but dealing with the crap from an ex husband makes it a bit more difficult to take two kids with us. Enter my faith in God. It will come together just as He intends it to. In the mean time, my husband has done a pretty amazing job of drying my tears, patting me on the back, and dealt with his own stresses in a passive way. I give him so much credit. He's taking a giant leap of faith by taking this job and leaving the only life that he's known since he was eighteen years old. That's terrifying! Yet, he's chosen to do this with me by his side. Me? I don't know what he ever saw in me but I'm so damn thankful for it.

I often find myself thinking "keep it together!". I pray that I'm strong enough and that I'm the wife he deserves. There's so much that goes into our relationship, from the very beginning. Too many coincidences to deny that we aren't made in God's perfect eyes. Travis has shown me love and compassion time and time again. First Jude, now Nolan... and not to mention his love for my other children and the things that he does for them. I know a lot of women would argue that they have the best husband, but they just can't compare. He's my everything.

The Ugly Duckling

I wonder what it's like to be "normal". I don't know what it's like to wake up and go through out your day not thinking about things that hurt. It would be so liberating to be one of those people that isn't insecure and doesn't let hurtful words or actions bother them. I wish I could be like that.

I wish that I could make it through one day where I don't remember what happened, and think of all the nasty things that have been said and done to me. I've got to get past this shit or it will eat me alive. I love my husband more than life and I can't keep letting the past eat away at me day in and day out. How much can he stand before he decides it's not worth it? No, my marriage isn't failing, in fact I think we're stronger than ever now and that's after a few things that did hurt me. The important this is that he loves me for who I am, not who he hopes that I'll become. He knows my flaws and my fears and yet he accepts them and helps me through every bad moment that I come across. Maybe that's why I worry so much... I'm not used to this at all. I can't remember ever being in love with someone so wonderful.

My insecurities are a pain in the ass, even to me. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and not seeing what I want to see. I find myself often thinking how unfair it is that I wasn't born beautiful like other women. I'm short, I've got a big nose and fat face. I've got these tree trunks for legs and after the kids, my stomach will never look like how I want it to no matter what I do. I see 13 year old girls with bigger boobs than I'll ever have, including during all of my pregnancies. I feel inadequate. I think about how skinny I was before I got pregnant with Jude, and then I think about how huge I still felt when I looked in the mirror then. It's never ending and I'm sick of it.

Depression is a bitch. No matter what I do, I can't win. I feel disgusting, but since I don't sleep well, I'm always too tired to work out. When I actually do have the energy to work out, I don't have the time, and this only depresses me more because I realize that I'm the only one that can change my weight. I see the women on my husband's facebook page and my heart sinks. They're all so much prettier and skinnier than me, than I'll ever be... how can he love me? I'm not putting my marital business out there... but I'm afraid from the past and I don't think I'm good enough or at least pretty enough. My husband is a typical man... and I'm afraid that someday, someone much better looking will come along, and well... you know how the story goes. Brian cheated so much.

Is that where this inferiority complex stems from? I'm to the point where if I could afford it, I'd have so many surgeries to fix what I hate, but I think that the problem is deeper than cosmetic. I've been trained to hate everything about myself.

So where is this all coming from tonight? I finally had both the time AND the energy to work out. It wasn't anything strenuous, mostly yoga which is something that I used to love to do and did it religiously. It's supposed to calm the mind and body but tonight it didn't work. I want to be me again, but the thing is, I don't know who I am. I guess at 30, I should have a tiny clue, but I don't. I know who I want to be, but I'll never be that. This is my life after the hell that I've lived through. This is what I do... I psychoanalyze myself until I just call myself nuts and call it a night.

The bottom line is that I just want to be the best mother, the best wife, the best everything that I can be. I know in my heart that my body has nothing to do with that, but when I look at pictures I see someone better than this. Reality would prove that I'm much better now because I am stronger (believe it or not), but my body image has always been and I fear, will always be a struggle. Tomorrow starts a new routine, complete with pills to help out. Here's to hoping my heart doesn't explode from Dexatrim and the hell that I'm going to push myself through for the next few months.

When it all comes down to it I need to stop bitching and start taking control. For far too long others have controlled my life, but this is my time. I have a husband that loves me unconditionally and that respects me rather than tris to control me. With him, I think I can do anything that I set my mind to. Here's to hoping...

Broken down but not broken

It's been hard lately. If you know me, then you know that I will often put on a smile so that people think I'm ok just so I don't have to deal with confronting what's really hurting me. Only here do I feel that I can be open because I don't have to look anyone in the eyes and feel their judgement or their pity. I loathe pity.

Christmas has come and gone, and a new year has arrived. I've been close to numb since Thanksgiving. This new year will be different. A lot of wonderful changes are coming, and sometimes I get scared, but I'm letting the fear go because my life is different now. There isn't anything or anyone that can hurt me anymore. I've fallen to the bottom, touched the depths of darkness, and I've sprung back up to the world. This place is terrifying after losing everything, but I realize that I can only go up from here.

Today was a milestone for me. I finished my last domestic violence education class. In the beginning I was so pissed that I had to attend because I believed that it couldn't help. I didn't want to sit in a room with other abused women and hear the sob stories because I was trying to run away from it. I thought that if I dealt with it on my own, I would surely overcome my obstacles much easier that bringing it to the surface every week. The reality of it is that those women became inspirations to me. We inspired one another. For the first time in several years, I didn't feel alone. For an hour every Tuesday, I was part of group that was searching for answers, and longing to heal. We all felt weak because we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable and abused, but we learned how strong we really were because not only had we gotten away, but we were taking the steps to move beyond abuse and experience life. I can't explain what a gift it has been to share my story with these women and to be a part of their transition.

Travis and I have come a long way. I can't imagine life without him in it. It's been a long journey and though a year ago I knew in my heart that I would marry him one day, I certainly didn't make it easy for him to stick it out. I thank God for the day that he put Travis in my life. I married my best friend that has been with me through all of this chaos. He was there before Jude was born, and calls that sweet little angel his son. He is such a wonderful husband and father and it's amazing to me because I didn't know men like him existed.

Next month we will be joining him in MD. A new life, a new start. I'm finally going to be able to be with Emma and Aiden on a permanent basis and back with the friends that have known me (the real me, not the high school me), for so long. We're all one big family and that's so important to be back where I feel like I belong. I am so blessed.

Fuck all of it

All I can do is cry because the pain is overwhelming and write to keep from doing something really stupid. At first, when I lost Emma and Aiden, I couldn't imagine a pain greater than that. Brian had been cheating on me with a 19 year old girl named Season, that he had met at Bethesda. I found out and was devastated, just like always, and he managed to sneak his way back into our home in Fredericksburg, VA... and back into our bed. For the night, I felt like he loved me again. He begged for my forgiveness and swore he loved me and Jack more than life itself.

The next day, Sunday morning, I got a call from Micah telling me that I wouldn't be getting Emma and Aiden back. I was infuriated. I didn't know what to do, but I knew that I couldn't live without my kids and I tried everything to get them home. Given our custody agreement at that time, there was nothing that I could do outside of a courtroom. Devastation flooded my soul. And there was Brian, telling me that he was going to be there for me, to help me through this and that we would fight for them. I took him back to Bethesda that night, and he cheated on me with another woman the next day.

It was just Jack and I then. I had to somehow function enough to take care of my 6 month old baby, while grieving for the 3 and 4 year old son and daughter that their father wouldn't let me see. I promise you that the pain, that wound, has never healed... not even a little. As I type, I'm crying and still grieving for them and for the stupid decisions that I made to forgive Brian and continue to let him do the damage that he did.

It wasn't long after I lost Emma and Aiden, that I found out about the next affair. Every time, it cut like a knife in a fresh spot where scar tissue hadn't formed from the previous affairs. He had no interest in seeing Jack, only in living it up and sleeping around. I was fading fast as his lies were taking a toll on me. I look back now and I can't fathom how I managed to stay alive. As always, he convinced me to forgive him, and allow him back into our bed... but this time, he gave me a hand written apology that promised he would change. I was reluctant for the first time since the cheating began, but I caved and he came back.

It was two days later that I would lose Jack. I gave Brian what he wanted from me and things were fine when I took him back to Bethesda. Monday morning, through a text message, he said he didn't want me anymore. I remember the sting as my knees hit the hardwood kitchen floor. I can still hear the cries that felt as though I would die if I couldn't stop. The panic flooded me and I wanted to take my life right then and there. I wish I could go back and tell myself not to leave the house. I should have just grabbed Jack and sang to him and remembered that he and I would be ok... but I just kept thinking that I needed to get help. I didn't want to kill myself, I didn't want to take myself away from the children, for them to grow up without a mother.

I learned a valuable lesson that day that has stuck with me. Sometimes, you can't trust anyone. I thought that going to a hospital to talk to someone was the right thing to do for my kids, but they took Jack from me because I was having a nervous breakdown. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I feel the same tonight.

I can't cry hard enough to soothe my soul from the aching of missing my baby boy. I'm sick of people asking me what happened to my kids. Fuck you if you think it's any of your damn business. Fuck you if you judge me. Fuck you if you take Brian's side. And fuck Brian and his family for what they're doing. Fuck this country and the way they handle domestic abuse cases. Fuck men that cheat, lie, and abuse. Fuck you for taking me for granted and putting me through hell after all I've been through. I'm so broken hearted and there's nothing I can do to ease the pain. I feel like I'm being stabbed and punched and spun around. I can't catch my breath, my head hearts, and my heart literally aches in my chest. I haven't showered or changed my clothes today, I didn't even brush my teeth. I can't eat, I can't sleep because I can't stop crying. And this blog, this is my only friend right now. I don't trust anyone. How dare you message me and ask me why I don't have my kids?! Who do you think you are? Would you be offended if I had asked you how your daughter died at such a young age? How can someone be so stupid and inconsiderate?

It aches

To my dear Jack,
Today you turned 3 years old. I was there with you all day, I hope you felt my presence. I remember the day you were born and my heart is so sad because it misses you everyday. I am so sorry that I can't be there. It isn't because I choose not to be, but because you're being held from me. I wish I could tell you how badly it hurts to not see your face or hear your voice, but there aren't words strong enough to describe it.

I keep your picture on my dresser so that everyday when I wake up, I can see you just like I did when you were a baby. I'll never forget walking into your room in the morning and seeing your big smile and those beautiful blue eyes light up because mommy was coming to get you. Please remember me.

I'm sorry for all the things that you've gone through in your 3 years. I never imagined that this kind of pain could happen to us. I never thought that there would be a day that I wouldn't have you and your brother and sister by my side. We were supposed to be there for each other and I let you all down. We all miss you so much and I hope that you remember how loved you are and that you have a big family here that's waiting for you.

Your baby brother, Jude, looks just like you. Sometimes it's hard to look at him because I see your face too. He is sweet just like you when you were a baby. Very happy and very full of life. I tell him about you all the time and today we sang happy birthday to you. I know you couldn't hear us, but someday I pray that I'll be able to sing to you again. Do you remember all of our songs? I'll never forget how we used to cuddle and I'd sing until you fell asleep.

I wish that it were different. I don't understand why this had to happen. I am afraid that you'll think I don't love you and that I left you. My sweet angel, I would never leave you and I will never stop loving you. My heart hurts so much without you, but I keep hope that they won't be able to keep you away from me forever. Someday, I will hold your hand again and tell you the truth. I hope that you can feel me in your heart. I don't know that you remember my face, but maybe something inside of you remembers that you have a mommy and she loves you so very much.

My son, I wish that I could tell you this myself, but my letters will live on even if I don't and by the grace of God, you will read my words someday and you know who I was. I should have fought harder, but this world makes it easy to feel beaten down. There are so many people that love you and will never forget you. They keep me strong and I don't know how I would have made it this far without you, if I didn't have them in my life. We all love you so much. I hope you've had the best birthday that a little man can have, and I wish for many more. Look to the sky and count the stars that God has given us. Never take anything for granted. Know that when you sleep, mommy is there in your heart and you are in mine. I love you, Jack.

Love,

Mommy